23 Things Most Managers Do Wrong

I had a manager whose way of helping people become better presenters was to count the number of times they said "Er" and "Um" while giving a talk.

He sat at the front of the room counting "Ers" and "Ums" and making tick marks in his notebook while one of us presented. Then he'd write the presenter's total "Er" and "Um" counts on the whiteboard in big letters.

That was the only presentation coaching he knew how to give.

What a mentor!

When I was 23 I had a scary, bullying manager who'd rant and rave at our team all day and then creepily force me to listen to him complain about his home life.

He'd call me into his office and shut the door, then sit down and rage about his awful marriage while I listened in horror.

"Can you imagine marrying a guy like me, then running around to bars with your girlfriends while I say home and watch TV?" he asked me.

Yes, I can easily imagine that, I thought, but I kept my mouth shut.

Nearly all of us have bad-manager stories to tell. Bad managers are everywhere, for good reason. We spend almost no time talking about the human side of work. Most managers get little support for their interactions with their team members. Most employees don't have anyone to talk to about the human side of their jobs, either.

No wonder there are so many awful managers around!

People get put into leadership roles because of their technical or functional command of a subject, rather than because they're emotionally available and sensitive to others. They get rewarded for the wrong things, and then we scratch our heads and wonder "Why are our employees unhappy?"

We all need to let off steam. In our workshops and in private coaching sessions, we hear bad-manager stories that make our hair curl. When they're not terrifying, the stories are hilarious. Bad-manager lore is something we can bond over, and bonding is important. We all need to be heard.

The flip side is that every bad-manager story comes with a natural follow-on question: If your manager is so awful, why do you stay in the job?

SOMEONE: My manager is the worst!

LIZ (since people need to vent): How so?

SOMEONE: Oh my God, blah blah blah, he does this, he does that.

LIZ: Your manager sounds terrible. It sounds really painful working for her. Why do you stay?

SOMEONE: Do you know how hard it is to find a new job?

When we face obstacles in the real world, we have to surmount them. We have to act. Last year this time when our town was flooding, people had to think on their feet. Whole houses were getting washed down the hillside. When Mother Nature has plans, we have to react fast.

My daughter's friend lost his harpsichord and all his other belongings in three feet of water that flooded into his apartment. The young man had just moved to town a month before. He had to find an apartment and start over with nothing. There was no alternative.

In the interpersonal realm, we have other options. We can dodge and hide. We can delude ourselves that we don't have to take responsibility for situations like having an awful boss. There are all kinds of nooks and crannies to hide in:

I can deal with it.

It's hard to find a new job.

A new manager might be worse.

You don't understand what I'm up against.

A new job at my age?

Maybe you think it's easy to start over.

If we want to, we can stay in the place called "Poor me" or "I'm not responsible" for years. Some people do it for decades. They don't realize that Employee with a Bad Manager is a job description they took on themselves. They don't realize that sitting in Victim Land hurts them, every day.

In I'm Not Responsible Land, their truth-telling muscles atrophy and their confidence disappears. When you put up with someone else's bad behavior, whether that person is your boss or your running-around-town spouse, you're encouraging the bad behavior and telling the universe "I don't matter."

Why would anyone make that choice? Why would anyone stay trapped in a bad situation at home or at work? There are lots of reasons. Sometimes it's easier to complain than to change things. People will give you sympathy when you bewail your situation.

When you take on the victim role, you don't have to look in the mirror and ask "Why did I bring this situation into my life? What can I learn from it, and how can I change it?"

Looking in the mirror can be scary. Making changes can be hard. Nobody has to keep working for a lousy manager, but lots of us do it year after year regardless. When we make our manager the bad guy, we don't have to look at our own choices.

Are you waiting for the list of 23 things most managers do wrong? I asked my 12-year-old son which number between 1 and 50 in a story title would be most likely to make people read the story.

"Twenty-three," he said. Naturally I promoted my 12-year-old to Director of Research for our company on the spot, and took him out for pizza to celebrate.

There are lots more than 23 things most managers do wrong, and lots more than 23 things most managers do right. Every one of us is trying to get through the day, and God knows that's not an easy thing to do.

We need one another. We need to tell the truth and help each other, not sit back and say "My manager is the worst." When we keep silent about poor management or any other problem at work, we aren't helping. We are part of the problem, then.

23 Things Most Managers Do Wrong

1. They see their team members as parts of a production machine rather than as collaborators.
2. They don't listen. They don't ask "How do you feel about what I just said?"
3. They don't ask for feedback on their own leadership style.
4. They focus on the goals and numbers instead of the energy behind the numbers. They don't ask "What do we need to be talking about, that we're not talking about?"
5. They focus on what's not working rather than celebrating what IS working.
   
6. They get tunnel vision. They lose sight of the Team Mojo that powers their organization.

7. They squelch their team's energy by confusing the operational questions "How will we implement this idea?" and "How will we sell this upstairs?" with the question "Is this worth doing?"

   
8. They keep people in the dark out of fear that their secret manager's-only knowledge is the only thing that distinguishes them from their teammates.
9. They reward and punish based on obedience rather than results.
10. They take things personally.
11. They can dish it out but they can't take it.
12. They forget or whitewash commitments they made when they needed help.
13. They devalue their employees' personal time, or even trample on it.
14. They live in fear or their own boss, and behave as though everyone should live in fear.
15. They ignore boundaries (saying things like "Can you imagine running around to bars with your girlfriends while your husband stay homes watching TV?").
16. They think about the short term instead of the long term.
    
17. They put up walls ("I'm the manager, and I'll decide") when they should soften and be human.
18. They belittle people.
19. They forget to say "Thank you."
20. They judge their own transgressions by different standards than the ones they apply to their team members.
21. They make mistakes and blame the mistakes on other people.
22. They think about their own frustrations and forget about anyone else's.
    
23. They don't own up to their shortcomings.

As a manager myself, I've done all of these things and way worse stuff than anything on our list. I'm grateful for the people on my team who found their voice enough to say "Girl, you need to get a grip."

They took a chance and were honest with me when I went off the rails. How would I have learned to manage without them?

We can point fingers all day long or we can step into our power and talk about what's working and what isn't, without recrimination.

We can talk to our managers about what they do well and what we love about them, and gently talk about how they could become stronger managers, too. We can see the world through their eyes. That's the only way we will grow. Are you ready to find your voice, take responsibility for the manager you chose, and step into your power?