Setting Ourselves Free From the Shame That Binds Us

The book I will be sharing with you today is not one I initially intended to share. In fact, I was quite surprised when it called my name at the bookstore, as I was not in the market for another self-help book. Fortunately, I know better than to ignore those hunches when I feel a book is calling my name. The book, authored by John Bradshaw, is entitled Healing the Shame that Binds You. This book has turned my whole world upside-down in a very good way. Through some painful realizations and lots of tears came a deeper level of understanding and more importantly, an expanded level of my awareness. A new level of awareness is an absolute prerequisite for all change to occur.

Bradshaw begins by defining two types of shame. The first is a healthy type of shame that we all need and which we develop as children. This type of shame is what keeps us from lying, stealing and hurting other people because, at the end of the day, we have ourselves to face in the mirror. This shame is beneficial for our success in life and business. Contrarily, the other kind of shame is detrimental and debilitating. This other kind of shame or “toxic shame” as Bradshaw calls it, is much more than a feeling of shame; it has more to do with a state of being, as the person is incapable of seeing him/herself as anything other than flawed. Toxic shame is responsible for so many struggles in our lives and so many of us are simply unaware of how much it holds us back within our business and personal development.

Toxic shame lives deeply inside us and is caused by deep wounds from our childhood that we never processed as adults. If you experienced any kind of abuse as a child: physical, verbal or emotional, the chances are pretty high that you suffer from toxic shame; perhaps you grew up in poverty and it was a shaming experience for you; perhaps you didn't have good grades in school and you were made to feel bad about yourself and your abilities because of it; perhaps you immigrated from another country as I did and were embarrassed of your roots and felt inferior to the children around you. All of these circumstances in our childhood are deep wounds that cause toxic shame which we bring into our adult world on a subconscious level.

To truly understand why toxic shame is so debilitating, we must understand how the mind works both as an adult and as a child, where the initial wound took place. Here you will find an illustration called the Stick Person Concept developed by DR. Thurman Fleet in 1934.

This is perhaps the best illustration to depict how the human mind works and the powers that lie dormant within us. Dr. Fleet broke the mind into two major areas: the conscious and the subconscious mind. The subconscious mind is often referred to the “feeling mind”, whereas the conscious mind is referred to as the “thinking mind”. It is in our “thinking mind” where we as adults have the ability to accept or reject any thoughts that come our way. If someone tells us that we are stupid or lack talent, we are free to accept that thought and bring it into our mental realm or to reject it and not have another thought regarding it. If we reject the thought, the thought is insignificant and has no power over us. If we accept the thought by continuing to “think” about it, we give all our power away in that moment and invite more people, circumstances, and events to come into our experience that supports this same thought.

The mind of a child works very differently, as the child’s mind is not able to reject any thought that comes in. As a result, every thought (true or not) that comes in, stays in. This thought becomes the child’s truth. So, if you went through shameful moments of abuse, you accepted it as your “truth” and go on to view yourself and your abilities through this same limited vantage point. What happens to these children is that they grow up and cannot see things as they truly are. The Talmud teaches us that “we do not see things as they are, we see things as we are”. Children suffering from toxic shame who are now adults, bring this distorted view into their lives. Toxic shame does not give you the ability to see the good in you, no matter what is going on in your business. Despite the opportunities around you, you will continue to focus on the fact that you are not good enough, not smart enough, not talented enough and on and on. Until you heal this toxic shame bit by bit, which is a painful process, you will never be free of the shame that binds you.

Bradshaw gives great tools and great exercises on how to release this toxic shame. My favorite one is “passing the hot potato”, as it allows you to go back and give back the shame that never belonged to you to begin with. It is a liberating exercise and when completed, releases so much heavy baggage we have been carrying for far too long.

If you feel like something has been holding you back and you are ready to let it go, I encourage you to read this book. It will literally shake things up as it increases your current level of awareness. You will see things in a new way; your abilities, your talent, your beauty and your worthiness. And for the first time in your life, you will be able to see yourself as you truly are; a beautiful, magnificent, powerful being with the ability to actualize every dream that lives inside you. So get the book, read the book, heal the shame that binds you and get on with your bad self.

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Violet Rainwater is a sales strategist, keynote speaker, and elite  sales trainer who fosters business growth through personal development.  Her experience as an award winning sales professional, speaker, and trainer, led her to develop an elite sales model, Connection Based Selling, for optimal efficiency in today's sales field. When she implemented this into her sales process, her sales went from 200k to 500k in commissions, One Year Later.  By evolving mindsets and building skill sets she is on a mission to transform sales professionals into Rainmakers for life.

Violet is a mother of three, including 5-year-old twins. You’ll often find her on her yoga mat, connecting to her strength (and sanity). She’s a chocolate aficionado who loves date nights with her hubby and enjoys welcoming the beautiful sunrise, preferably with a cappuccino in hand.

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Posted by: Violet Rainwater, MBA See all Violet's posts