Coming Soon: Crazy New Airline Fees

After ranting last week in Forbes about Delta Airline's frustrating bait-and-switch style of quoting a low fare then claiming it just sold out, I got to thinking about other ways that air carriers could nickel-and-dime business travelers. Here are even more formerly-included services for which they could charge an extra fee...

Seats: For safety reasons, airlines require you to remain seated during takeoff and landing, as well as when turbulent air is possible. But a little ingenuity could eliminate this need. My guess is that airlines are testing new paddled stalls that would enable them to stuff an extra 50 or so passengers standing at the back of the plane.

As anyone who rides the NYC subway knows, you can cram a lot more passengers in a metal tube if you make them stand up.

Heat: "Bring your winter coat and save an extra 20%," an enterprising airline may soon advertise, realizing how much money they can save by turning down the heat in their cabins. This option has the added advantage of freeing up precious space in the overhead bins, because if people are worried about freezing to death, they are more likely to travel while wearing - instead of carrying - their extra clothes.

Toilets: Why should free use of toilets be included in an airfare? What if you never use the toilet on a plane; why should you pay the same price as that woman next to you who got up three times on a four-hour flight? Watch for credit card readers on bathroom doors; these could (and should) charge you by the minute, so that if you hog the bathroom for ten minutes, you pay big for making everyone else wait.

Wings: I'm not an engineer, but it seems to me that one of the major factors that makes air travel expensive is jet fuel. Planes require jet fuel because they have wings, but wings are heavy and cumbersome. Eliminate the wings, and you basically have a Greyhound bus, which everyone knows runs on regular gasoline.

On short flights, like Boston to New York or San Francisco to Los Angeles, my suggestion is that airlines charge extra for leaving the ground. Instead of paying $415 for a short flight, you could pay $250 for a ride on a new wingless carrier.

When you think about it, this is a brilliant idea; it would even free up terminal space, because the wingless carriers could simply pull up at the front of the terminal or right into the parking garage. Plus, since the wingless carriers never take off, you wouldn't have to go through security to board one.

Guaranteed destinations: Nothing in life is certain, so why should your destination be certain? Watch for airlines to eliminate the old-fashioned idea that you are buying a ticket from New York to Paris. Too often, weather problems cause expensive delays, which lead to added costs and unhappy shareholders.

Instead, the basic fare will get you from New York to, say, Europe. "We'll get you as close as possible to your intended destination," an airline may tell you, "And on a good day, we might even get you there."

This change could also improve our economy, because it will create a new category of business travel services: getting you from where you landed to where you actually need to be.

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THE NICKEL-AND-DIME STRATEGIES OF MOST AIRLINES? HAVE THEY ALREADY GONE TOO FAR?

Bruce Kasanoff is a ghostwriter for entrepreneurs and executives. Learn more at Kasanoff.com. He is the author of How to Self-Promote without Being a Jerk.

Images: diego3336 (top) and cathro, both at Flickr.