Common Challenges for Expats in India: Making Indian Friends
When I first started coaching, mostly European and American, expats, my biggest surprise was the common challenge that they had in making friends with Indians. This was a surprise to me as I had never met this particular challenge. After thinking about it, I realized why so many of them were facing what I never had to.
What I had forgotten is that, most expats come at a stage in their life where they are already settled. They have a family, a set of friends, a settled job…and that makes it harder for them to meet new people. I was lucky enough to land in Bangalore when I was a 23 year old student. In order to make friends I went to what seemed, and proved to be, the best bar in town, sat at the counter and started chatting with the guys next to me. Easy to do when you are a 23 year old student but much more difficult when you are a 45 year old senior executive that works late hours and has a family to go back to at the end of the day.
I realized is that most interactions that expats have with Indians are work related. They work with Indian colleagues and employ Indian domestic help like maids and drivers. Because of the inherent hierarchical aspect of these relationships, it makes it difficult for them to enter a more informal, genuine relationship. However, this is not a fatality. Here’s a few things that I suggest for those who would like to make Indian friends,
1. Avoid the ‘expat enclaves’. Major Indian cities all have very high-end gated communities where most expats live. Most people say that these enclaves are “not really India”. I disagree with that statement. They are very much an integral part of the country’s landscape as more and more Indians aspire to living in them, but there are just not representative of what Indian city life looks like. These enclaves are copied on American gated suburban communities and have all the amenities for their tenants not to have to go outside at all. There are clear advantages to living in these communities as their are often free from a lot of the hassles from living in the city: permanent power supply, a fully equipped clubhouse, relative silence, danger free roads, proximity to the international schools…and other expats. I understand, and appreciate, why most expats feel more comfortable living in these communities, but the reverse side of the coin is that this gives them very little opportunity to take part in every day Indian social life. Living in town usually doesn’t have all these advantages but it allows a family to experiment every day life in an India city: making friends at the local park with your children’s friends parents, be invited for Biryiani on Eid by your Muslim neighbors, attend sports/dance/yoga classes with people from your neighborhood, etc.
2. Join a local association. Whatever your hobbies are, you can find local groups in major Indian cities. These are a great way to meet people that you know will share some common interest with you. Whether the Hash House Harrier, the local toastmaster’s club, the biking club, the golf club, the poker club, the rock climbing club, even your local resident welfare association. Joining these local clubs allow expats to meet Indians that they do not work with and does away with the hierarchical aspect of the relationship. Moreover, these local clubs are usually extremely happy to accept foreign members.
3. If possible, put your children in a local school. I know this is very difficult when children are already a certain age and that they need consistency in curriculum if they want to be able to join their home schooling system when they get back to their home country. However, it should be a lot easier for younger children. there are a lot of very good kindergarten and primary schools in India. Putting younger children in local schools allows them to experience a social environment that they might not find in international schools, probably learn some elements of the local language (even in English medium schools) and give expat parents an opportunity to meet the children’s friends parents too.
Living in an ‘expat bubble’ in India does not have to be a fatality, if you don’t want to. I realize that the suggestions I make above might not be easy to implement for everyone. These are just things that I can think about, I am sure there are plenty more. Feel free to add any of your suggestions in the comments below.
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10 年Nice article, but definitely depends on each cases. Hard for me to find a local job (something must be wrong, but what?!). Make friends is a long way, it's not only a word. By the end of the day, our driver in Jaipur called me his friend was a bit tricky to me :). Jasmeet is also right when he says Indians have difficulties to stand back. I was surprised to see an (Indian) English trainer, who's traveled in Africa and Japan, not able to deeply analyze its own country, culture nor media manipulation (it was during the last Indian election). Finally, I'm sorry Guillaume... but "Park Place" in Gurgaon doesn't look like real India to me :). Hope to see you on the 3rd of Sept.
Startup Founder at Sushrut Designs Pvt. Ltd., COEP's BHAU Institute, NSRCEL (Healthcare pre-incubation)
10 年A bit candidly: Somehow, this language of "Putting in something to make friends" and "extracting ROI" on that effort just doesn't gel with me..! I am a mentor and a coach myself - and I feel that 'friendships' just happen when two minds have similar pathways. On FB too - birds of a feather flock together types - people with similar ideas and opinions coagulate in groups though they might argue heavily. "Friendship" cannot be 'made to happen' - they just happen! And yes, ONLY when we are genuinely ourselves. The real mess is that people act up to befriend others, and while that fake persona gets accepted, they get sick of the faking and show their real colors. This leaves the other confused.
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10 年I have been interacting with expats from my very first job and have lived as an expat myself, i agree age is a factor and we notice that there are a lot of youngsters, singles who are coming for the India experience. Companies like Coke, Google, Facebook, Expedia, booking.com etc have a younger lot who are keener to know the locals and making friends, and in a few cases have Indian spouses as well. We end up seeing them in parties, marriages, festivals etc. in-fact the in last 10 marriages that i have attended over the last two years, every function had expats in them. I do agree that at an older age or as a senior executive its a little more difficult to make friends and i would attribute that more to language barriers, being set in ones own ways, what expectation they have of life and also how they are trying to settle in a new country. The Indian executive has also risen and they are now staying in places that were deemed expat exclusive before, in-fact there are lot of highly paid Indian executives living in such places and very few of the expat only accommodations left and are declining. It may be easy to put children in kindergarten, and the reasons that my expat friends have told me they avoid this is not due to the intermingling but due to cleanness, sanitary and the general understanding of the teachers towards as an expat child. . Most expat are well traveled and have seen the world, they are ready to mingle and explore cultures, there are some who are resistant and will not change in any situations (majority of whom are in the diplomatic communities...) India is a cultual cocktail.....mixing well thou you do get a bitter drink once a while...
Back to school - Pursuing MA in Psychology
10 年I have had a brief experience of being an expat in Shanghai. Apart from language - which is the biggest barrier - I found that differences in your social / cultural interests demand that you put in effort to form friendship. It takes time too. In that sense, it's no different than what happens in your own country! You would interact with many; meet few guys more often at common places of interest, get talking and at some point and that develops into a friendship! If you are a person who normally makes friends quickly, you are just as likely to succeed or fail in an expat setting !!
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10 年Good idea Aman! But that's different for expats from respective countries. We do a lot of work with expats from Japan and do realize that they are most comfortable with other expats from same country or community. This has its both pros and cons. Also its different from economic strata point of view. While these expats would be highly interested in knowing our culture and traditions but rarely would like to befriend every indian they come across. The problem is not with them but with us. Most of us are incapable of extending a communication on our culture and traditions outside our communitiies what may interest these expats. Our limitations hence become hindrance in winning their friendships. How many Indians would you know who are interested in discussing travel, cross-cultural foods and dances, literature enthusiasts, dramatics, etc in forums of international stature. Since these topics do get discussed in certain forums or community meetings (whether in 'expat enclave' or otherwise) an expat (senior executive though) feels comfortable being friendly in such enclaves. A book though may provide a guide based on experiences but every expat's expectation/ interest is different, hence encapculating every experience would surely be difficult.