Out of Office: The Crazy Things We'll Do to Get on a Plane

This post is part of a series in which LinkedIn Influencers and members share their business travel advice and stories from life on the road. Read all the posts here.

By definition, the funniest travel stories almost always evolve from travel pain. Or pure travel stupidity. Since I travel about 300 days out of the year, I don't just have one funny travel story — I have two. The first happened to a friend of mine on a flight leaving from Lagos, Nigeria, to London, and the second happened to me in Beijing, China.

In the U.S., most air travelers are aware that when flights are overbooked, airlines offer passengers a reward to give up their seat for a later flight. And the dollar value of that reward increases until enough passengers voluntarily agree to get bumped.

But until recently, that was never the case in Europe (until new European Union regulations imposed during the past few years that more or less mirrored the U.S. rules for denied boarding compensation).

And that was NEVER the case in other parts of the world... like Nigeria. And there are still no rules there. Translation: it was, and it is, the wild wild west when planes are overbooked. There are no rules, and it's chaos.

My friend was booked on the 727 from Lagos to London. He arrived well ahead of his departure time and checked in for the flight. He received a hand-written boarding pass (that was the first clue there was trouble ahead).

He noticed that the gate area was getting quite full for this 727 flight. And then the flight was called. That's when the crowd bolted for the doorway to run — not walk — out onto the tarmac and board the plane from stairs.

It was a screaming, pushing crush of people, all trying to squeeze past the lone gate agent and a very timid policeman.

As everyone started rushing to the plane and up the stairs, it soon became painfully evident that there were more people — and more boarding passes — than seats. Within about two minutes, the line up the stairs to the plane was at a standstill. Arguments flared, punches thrown. And the fight for territory began.

The policeman was helpless, so he called for help. He didn't summon other helpless cops, he called for the... army. And soon, a lone colonel arrived. He quickly assessed the situation on the tarmac: an angry crowd of passengers, each claiming that individual seats were theirs. And no one wanting to surrender turf.

It wasn't long before he realized the airline had overbooked the 727 by 50 people... and there were no later flights. So he quickly initiated his own denied boarding program. He took out his weapon and fired it rapidly into the air.

It got everyone's attention. He ordered everyone off the flight. No exceptions. He told them to drop all their carry-on bags under the fuselage, and then he lined all the passengers up under the length of the left wing. "You will all stay here until you hear me fire my gun again," he told them. "At that point, you must each run around the plane once, then grab your bags, and then run back around and under this wing, and then the first 125 people to do that can run up the stairs and claim any seat."

And without hesitation, the passengers all left the plane and quietly lined up under the wing. With the pilots and flight crew looking on, and lots of confused folks watching from the terminal, the colonel walked toward the nose of the plane, then turned around and faced the passengers. He shouted "On your marks, get set..." he then fired his gun. "GO!!"

And the race started. Little old ladies discovered secret strength — and speed — while businessmen played their own version of airport roller derby. They all ran around the concrete. And then, one by one, they bolted up the stairs. After the 125th passenger —huffing and puffing — got to the stairs, the colonel was there, firearm at the ready, making sure that everyone else stayed behind. And the 50 "losers" did just that, for about two days, waiting for the next flight.

And two days later, the colonel was back, with weapon reloaded, just in case...

***

The next story happened to me back in 1999. I was scheduled to take a 10 a.m. flight from Beijing to Hong Kong on a Chinese airline. I got to the airport at 8 a.m., and got to the gate by 8:45. It was a full flight. The departure board showed it was "on time." And, in a hopeful sign, the plane was already at the gate, waiting.

By 9:20, we were getting ready to board... or so we thought. But there was no activity. And no departure announcement was made. I looked at my watch. 9:40... then 9:50... then 10 a.m. came and went. Nothing. The departure board still displayed "on time" for the flight.

Then, at 10:20 a.m., a very timid Chinese woman — the gate agent — arrived, and we all watched as she approached the counter, walked behind it, and grabbed the microphone and announced, in a quiet, trembling tone, "So sorry. This plane is very sick. So we wait for another plane at the next gate. Please walk there and we take that plane. This plane is too sick."

We dutifully got up and walked about 100 feet to the next gate. No plane was there. And we waited. And waited. Finally, around 11:30 a.m., we saw the aircraft on final approach. It landed, then taxied to the gate.

Passengers were disembarked and we prepared to board. But again, no boarding announcement was made. Noon. Then 1 p.m. Finally at 1:15, the same Chinese gate agent, wearing the same troubled facial expressions, approached the counter, walked quickly behind and grabbed the microphone. "Very very sorry again," she stuttered, "But this plane is more sick than the other plane... so we will take... the other plane."

The OTHER plane? I couldn't believe what I just heard, but in retrospect I still can't believe what all the passengers — including me — did. Again, we got up, walked 100 feet in the opposite direction, and boarded the "sick" plane.

Somehow, the engines fired up, we pushed back from the gate, got airborne and eventually landed safely in Hong Kong. To this day, I still can't believe we took that plane. I'm laughing now. But I wasn't laughing then.

To read more about Peter Greenberg's travel experiences, check out:

• Peter Greenberg's Personal Travel Advisory for Thailand
• Peter's Take: Why TSA PreCheck Isn't Working
• Why Peter Will Return to Kenya After the Westgate Mall Attacks

Photo: creative commons licensed (BY-SA) flickr photo by neajjean