14 Ways to Get a Raise, Even If You Are Lazy

After years of writing about doing well by doing good, I have received many notes from readers that describe how lazy co-workers fool management into giving them big raises. I can’t endorse any of these tactics, but if you lack a decent work ethic or any principles, you might give them a try:

14. Look really good. While your co-workers are working, take time for grooming and shopping. Superficial appearances can tip the scales in your favor.

13. Mimic your boss. If s/he want to be serious, be serious. When s/he wants to cut loose and have some fun, be the life of the party.

12. Occasionally do small favors for your superiors. This is a delicate balance; if you overdo it, you could be perceived as a suck-up. But occasional tiny favors will create an unconscious obligation among the top brass to return your favors.

11. Keep moving. Some people will talk your ears off about their needs and feelings. Just smile politely and keep moving. If necessary, point at your watch and mouth the word “late”.

9. Quote your peers. Since you’ll spend the majority of your time eating, drinking and golfing, it won’t be easy to brag about your own work results. Instead, make note of the smartest things your peers say and then quote them when other people start reporting on their own progress. You’ll appear to be a selfless team player, when in fact you are doing a brilliant job of doing almost nothing.

8. Go see clients often. “I was out with clients” is the greatest Get-Out-Of-Jail-Free pass ever invented. For every day of client meetings, you can spend another two in fine hotels, in fine restaurants, and in fine airport lounges. If you plan your schedule correctly, you can also set up unlimited numbers of weekend vacations that coincidentally happen to be near your clients in Miami, Los Angeles and Scottsdale.

7. Listen to clients. While visiting clients, make a habit to listen far more than you speak. Clients will mistake your silence for genuine interest in their needs; they will like you better and say nice things to your boss. (Of course, the real reason to be quiet is to avoid advance preparation for your meetings.)

6. Be a likable rogue. Even if you lie, cheat and steal, people will accept you if you are fun to be around. Throw a lot of parties, and make sure everyone has a great time. One good party can make up for six months of coasting, especially if you make sure your shy, conscientious and hard-working peers feel welcome. (This works because almost everyone older than college age feels they don’t get invited to enough parties.)

5. Cover your tracks. During those periods you actually work (see #10), store a few projects for later use, so that when the CEO unexpectedly asks what you are working on these days, you can say, “I was just about to update you on my latest project, which concludes successfully tomorrow.”

4. Set crazy expectations. Make sure your boss knows that you’re not just looking for a 2.5% raise. Talk up your relationships with customers (rules #8 and #7) and your great relationships across your firm (rule #6). Imply that anything less than a 25% salary increase will be disappointing. But never state specific salary numbers, so you are never forced to quit unless you already have a better option.

3. Mention your kids a lot. Kids are the path to a higher salary. Kids are expensive; everyone know that. If necessary, have more kids or borrow some for company events.

2. Get a great assistant. It is very hard to get ahead unless you have someone under you who actually does a lot of work. The more such people, the better.

1. Rotate your team often. This is where most selfish, manipulative and lazy professionals fail; they find someone to prop them up, then keep that person in servitude too long. Do this, and it will be obvious that you do nothing. Instead, you need to constantly be recruiting new team members and finding your existing staff better jobs working for others. If you do this, working for you will be seen as a path to success, instead of a way to spend a year or two covering for someone who is calling into meetings from the beach.

This piece originally appeared on Forbes.

Bruce Kasanoff ghostwrites articles and books for entrepreneurs. You can also find his articles at Forbes. Bruce's most recent book is How to Self-Promote without Being a Jerk.

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