Take Criticism Seriously, Not Personally

What advice would you give to yourself back when you were first lady? That question was posed to Hillary Clinton last week on the Today show. Clinton’s reply: ”Take criticism seriously but not personally.”

The remark stopped me in my tracks. I was in my bedroom, throwing clothes into a bag for an overnight trip to Washington, DC. I took a break to tweet it – and even then I couldn’t stop mulling it over.

Why? Because, I realized, this is something that more than 25 years into my career, I really cannot do. A few months back, I did a segment in the 9 a.m. hour of Today and when it was over got a call from my producer. Her boss, the senior producer, had some comments – more specifically, some criticism: She thought I had explained the information in my written notes much better than I had done it on the air. On the air, she felt, I was too superficial. I had omitted too many details.

Ouch.

As I sit here writing this, I can’t remember what that segment was about. I can’t remember what the talking points were. But the criticism? I remember every word and how it stuck with me through the day and into the evening. I was still dwelling when my husband got home that night. Yes, I took it seriously. But I also took it personally. I couldn’t let it go.

Dr. Deborah Tannen, author of Talking from 9 to 5: Women And Men At Work says that I’m not alone. “It’s impossible for anyone not to take criticism personally – women and men.” That said, she admits it impacts women more. “Men’s socialization tends to include more agonism than women’s – teasing, play fighting and roasting are all ritualized ways of using attacking that are not meant literally,” she says. (Agonism, FYI, is defined as survivalist, animal behavior that includes aggression, defense, and avoidance; I had to look it up.) “Girls and women are less experienced with verbal attacks that are not meant literally.”

Psychologist Audrey Nelson who has worked for over 30 years in the field of gender communications agrees. Men externalize criticism, she says. In other words they find ways to blame it on outside forces – support staff that wasn’t up to par, deadlines that could have been extended, computers that went down. Women internalize it. We blame ourselves. And while historically, the criticism that has been hardest to take has been about our relationships or child rearing, for women like me (and I suspect many of you) who’s self worth and definition of success is highly tied to our work, that kind of a takedown can be equally brutal.

So the question is: What do we do about it?

First, realize that this particular piece of criticism may not be about you. It’s about the other person. “They may be envious,” says NY Psychiatrist Gail Saltz. “They may not like you.” There’s very little you can do about that. But if you understand that it’s not meant to be even the tiniest bit constructive, it’s much easier to let go.

Second, if it is about you, take it for what it’s worth. One of the reasons I was so depressed by the senior producer’s comment is that I knew – before she even said it – that the segment hadn’t been my best. But I thought about it, and processed it, and tweaked the way I’d been preparing. The segments I’ve done since have been better and crisper.

And finally, notes Tannen, watch – and learn – from the guys. “See how they can verbally spar, argue, put each other down – and then go out for a beer.”

Or, perhaps, a Chardonnay.