Why You Need to Go Home Early Today

We talked for almost an hour the night before he died.

Earlier that day federal investigators had raided his business. He didn't really explain why, and I didn't ask. He just said it was an unfortunate misunderstanding.

But he did talk for a long time about how desperately worried he was about what might happen to him and his company. I was encouraging and supportive but mostly just listened. By the time we got off the phone I thought he sounded much more positive and almost hopeful.

The next morning, sitting alone on his patio, he shot himself.

***

A couple years later I happened to pass by his old offices. Without thinking I pulled over.

He had spent tens of thousands of dollars turning an old building into a showcase for his engineering and construction management firm. Now it was a day spa. I sat and stared, without really seeing, as the memories flooded back.

He was a client but we had also grown to be like friends. I say "like" because I liked him, but our friendship was definitely one-sided. I knew way more about him than he knew about me. It seemed he had an emotional hole he could never fill and he clung to anyone who might help him fill it.

As a result he could often be almost uncomfortably candid. He would talk about wanting a family and children he could cherish and spoil. He would talk about wanting friends who liked him for who he was and not for his connections or influence or money. He would talk about how years ago his wife had committed suicide and whether he, without knowing, had in any way been to blame.

***

I drove away wondering what was on his mind in his last moments. I imagined he felt hopeless and alone, playing and replaying choices he wished he had made differently.

I think he lost hope at least in part because his business and personal lives were totally intertwined. He used his business as an extension of his personal life -- in fact, as the basis of his personal life -- to a greater degree than anyone I've known.

He often overpaid vendors, partly to feel larger than life but mostly because he could then ask them to spend time with him outside of work knowing they wouldn't refuse. Few people are willing to upset a goose that lays golden eggs. He put people who didn't actually perform work on his company's payroll so they would be more closely tied to him. He created partnerships not because the underlying business made sense but because partners inevitably talk, and interact, and spend time together.

He used his business to create a kind of a personal life, one he often said was unsatisfying and unfulfilling... but was also the only one he had.

The night he called his hopelessness and despair seemed to stem from the fact his business was in jeopardy and so were all of his relationships. Losing his business didn't just mean he would lose things; losing his business meant he would lose all the people in his life, too. Without his business he had no one: no one to turn to, no one to lean on, no one who cared unconditionally.

He had no one to say, "It's going to be okay. I love you. We'll get through it."

***

If you knew you only had minutes left to live, which choices would you regret? Would you wish you had spent more time at work? Would you think about money you never earned, jobs you never landed, or companies you never started?

Would those be the kinds of decisions you would want back?

Of course not. You would think about the people you love, and how you wish you had chosen to spend more time with them. You would wish you had chosen to tell them how much they meant to you, over and over and over again.

Fortunately for us it's not too late.

Today -- not tomorrow or next week, but today -- go home early. Sit somewhere quiet with your significant other. Put aside any baggage or resentment. Strip off any emotional armor you strapped on over the years. Tell the person you love exactly how much he or she means to you. Say the things now that you would otherwise someday wish you had said.

You may cry. He or she may cry. Both are really good things.

Or spend time with your kids. Don't worry about organizing an activity. Just hang out. All your kids really want from you is attention and praise.

Or call a friend with whom you've lost touch. Swallow your pride and be the one who reaches out first.

No business relationship ever measures up to our real relationships. Go home early and strengthen yours.

Work will still be there tomorrow.

I also write for Inc.com:

• 20 Things Remarkable People Think Every Day
• The Power of Being Thoughtful and Kind
• 7 Things Remarkably Happy People Do Often
• Be Happier: 10 Things to Stop Doing
  

Follow me on Twitter: @jeff_haden

(photo courtesy flickr user dougmino)