Women Put Competence Before Confidence
After a female executive presented to the board, one of the male board members perceived that she lacked confidence. Recalling the experience later, he said, “We talked about it after she left, and we all agreed (her problem) was her lack of confidence. For example, when asked how long before she felt ready for her next role, she said ‘probably two years.’”
I heard this story from Michelle “Mitch” Shepard, founder of the Women in Real Life (WiRL) leadership summit. Here's her reaction.
To the men in the room, this was unfathomable. In my experience, it’s very common. As women, we often wait until we’re competent before we feel confident, whereas men often feel confident before they’ve achieved full competence."
According to Mitch, this story illustrates how differently men perceive women versus how women perceive themselves. "The men saw Jane’s thoughtful, careful, cautious approach as a lack of confidence," says Mitch. "I would have viewed it as a sign of humility and judged her as someone I could trust."
Mitch continued, "I would have perceived Jane’s honest reply as confidence of a different kind—the confidence to admit there are things she has yet to learn; the confidence to not think she has to be ready right now."
This story resonated with me. Without generalizing too much, I know a number of women who I perceive have less faith in themselves than I have in them. From my perspective, this holds them back. But perhaps my perception is dead wrong.
This is one reason of many why I'm excited to be speaking later this spring at the Women in Real Life leadership summit that Mitch founded; I'll be talking about bringing out talent in others. Stunningly different perceptions like this one - whether one is seeking competence or lacking confidence - represent giant roadblocks on the path to professional success.
Mitch advocates that women consider approaching new opportunities with courage, and that they consider stepping into new opportunities before feeling fully confident. She perceives that the two are connected; as she says, courage helps you earn confidence.
She offers three additional suggestions:
- Notice why you do and don't step into new opportunities. Awareness is the first step in changing your behavior, and your results.
- Think of a time that you exhibited courage and it paid off in higher confidence; use these stories as your fuel.
- Ask others whom you trust to tell you what strengths, talents and attributes they see in you. What do they think you are capable achieving?
This is a complex area and no simple solution will fully resolve it. I'd love to see your comments: do women put competence ahead of confidence? What do men do?
Bruce Kasanoff is the author of How to Self-Promote without Being a Jerk, a simple little book about doing well by doing good.
Find Bruce at Kasanoff.com or on Twitter @BruceKasanoff.
Image: Dell's Official Flickr Page/Flickr
CEO
10 年We have two ears, one mouth...
Freelance Writer
10 年Epiphany! I had fooled myself as of late to believe that personality type (introvert vs. extrovert) primarily drives this phenomena, but it seems Victorian-era values have crept into 21st century board rooms. How many times have you heard, "be a good girl," or "boys will be boys?" To be desirable, women are taught (whether directly or indirectly) to strive for modesty, while men are encouraged to exhibit strength and power. Participation in team sports, where women historically have been less active, helps develop these attributes early. Unfortunately, women likely have many more examples of exhibiting courage and receiving reprimand. In fifth grade, I asked my teacher to make copies for me. After several requests and a week's time, I had the office make them, which prompted a parent-teacher conference to discuss my disobedience. In male-dominated leadership roles, women must cultivate the confidence essential to promotion. Men have it already.
Corporate & Commercial Assistant Self Employed Impactful Coach & Mentor
10 年This very much strikes a chord. After a recent experience I would certainly say that this is true in my case. My confidence grows once I feel competent, particularly with new ventures. I have never been comfortable with being a risk taker and have always felt that in new situations it is better to listen and take stock and is sometimes misconstrued as lack of confidence. I would also venture that it is not necessarily limited to the male /female scenario as there are also women who I feel may put confidence first too.
Trend & Culture spotter, forecaster, and brand strategist for building strong brands, Canvas8 contributor & Time Out Writer.
10 年Can I take the instance here as misconception of women? It is same that women sometimes believe men are far more reckless and not cautious enough to take risks. Women take men's confidence recklessness. So please more understanding in other's shoes.
Experienced banking & insurance professional
10 年Both competence and confidence have two dimensions: internal (or self-) perception and external perception. The internal part is one of the main triggers for jumping into conclusions about others. Let's take a simple example - coffee with sugar. It is enough to pour a thread of sugar and coffee will taste like syrup for me, while a friend of mine pours three tea-spoons in it and still calls that 'coffee'. Same with competence - some just need to know that the Earth is round, others need to inquire what round means. External labels are perceptions of others, based on comparison against their own perception. Not necessarily wrong, but also not necessarily right. So, coming back to your point today: both men and women have their own way of feeling and showing competence and confidence. Sometimes boldness is just a way of masking fears, while humility is just a wise way to pick battles and smile in the end. At the end of the day, what matters is if the result is alligned with the intention and if the person is comfortably happy and sleeps well at night.