The NSA’s Santa Surveillance Program

I was able to obtain the latest National Security Agency (NSA) memo leaked by Edward Snowden. I reprint it in full below.

TOP SECRET AND CLASSIFIED

THE NATIONAL SECURITY AGENCY
SANTA SURVEILLANCE PROGRAM (SSP)

Intelligence reports have indicated an alarming amount of chatter between citizens of the United States and a foreign organization with unknown whereabouts somewhere near the North Pole. The organization is led by an elderly bearded cleric with the alias, “Santa.”

We have probable cause to believe that this “Santa” organization is providing material support to terrorist cells in the United States. On numerous occasions, “Santa” has reportedly entered the country illegally by flying across the border in a stealth aircraft. He delivers contraband to various enemy combatants who request weapons and other military vehicles and aircraft.

For example, the intercepted letter below is from an enemy combatant by the name of “Johnny Smith”:

Another letter, written by enemy combatant “Mikey Brown” – an alias for Michael Brown – indicates a desire for a weapon of mass destruction called “the Death Star.” Mikey is now being questioned at an unidentified secure location.

Santa has an army of followers who call themselves “elves” and who train in Santa’s camp. We fear that these elves are highly radicalized.

Based upon a recent dramatic increase in chatter between the Santa organization and enemy combatants in the U.S., we will initiate a new surveillance program caked the “Santa Surveillance Program” (SSP).

We will monitor all communications by all people everywhere. For minimization standards, we will limit our surveillance to human beings only and not include other life forms.

The SSP will be ongoing until “Santa” is terminated by a drone attack.

Daniel J. Solove is the John Marshall Harlan Research Professor of Law at George Washington University Law School, the founder of TeachPrivacy, a privacy/data security training company, and a Senior Policy Advisor at Hogan Lovells. Photo: Digital Vision via Getty Images.