Understanding Conflict
Jim Sniechowski, PhD
Removing Personal Holdbacks - Releasing Powerful Leadership
All conflicts have the same underlying structure. The content will vary from one to another, but underneath the details they are all the same. Understanding this will help unpack a conflict and take it toward resolution.
Caveat: For this post “conflict” will mean that both sides are entrenched, listening has ceased, and the exchange has degraded into a win-lose struggle for both sides. Not all difficult exchanges are conflicts. I am focusing on those that are.
Exclusivity
A conflict begins when two sides approach an issue with the intent to bring resolution. The seed of the conflict is not just that each side is coming to the issue from a different point of view. It’s that each side believes they are bringing “the truth.” Not as they see it from their own point of view---but THE truth. However at the outset neither side is aware of their entrenchment, their unconscious commitment to their point of view, so each side proceeds believing they are acting in open and good faith.
If one side believes they have THE truth and the other side believes they have THE truth there is no motive to listen to one another. Both sides believe they have the exclusive and correct point of view and so the other, regardless of what they say, cannot be right.
Inflation
The next step is that both sides inflate their own virtues and inflate the other side’s flaws. At this point the original issue becomes muted and the conflict is entirely emotional and personal. This is when name calling and overtly discounting the other side enters the clash. And of course both sides feel utterly righteous in the position they’ve staked out and how they see the other side as blatantly wrong. At this point the conflict is more and more based in self-protective illusion rather anything reality-based.
Self-Justification
Now each side is compelled to justify its position. So they look for reasons---rationalizations at this point---to even more inflate the value of their own arguments. This has the effect of each side aggrandizing their own stance and if necessary enlisting the force of supernatural authorities to shield their presuppositions from any penetration by the other side.
The conflict intensifies because, although on the surface the other’s arguments may seem reasonable, they are, in fact, filled with puffed-up defensiveness and lead the two sides further and further away from anything even remotely associated with the originating issue. Both sides can feel the illegitimacy of what the other side is doing even if they can’t spot their own illusions and so frustration and anger escalate. No one is listening. That’s gone by the boards because no other information is permitted except that which will maintain one’s position.
Reality Is Defeated
In their defensive stance neither their thoughts nor their feelings reflect reality so confusion deepens. Why? Because, unless it’s become a blatant brawl, both sides try to tie their arguments to the original issue but they have so twisted who they are and what is happening and have taken such impenetrable positions they are both is a win-lose struggle. One side must prevail and it is not the other.
War is the most obvious example of a conflict. But conflicts of a smaller scale but the same in kind occur every day. Divorce courts are filled with these battles as are many corporate meetings in businesses around the world.
When have you been entangled in a conflict and how did it resolve?
In my next post I will outline a very effective conflict resolution process.
(Poto Credit Davor Pavelic, Flickr)
Jim Sniechowski, PhD and his wife Judith Sherven, PhD https://JudithandJim.com have developed a penetrating perspective on people’s resistance to success, which they call The Fear of Being Fabulous. Recognizing the power of unconscious programming to always outweigh conscious desires, they assert that no one is ever failing—they are always succeeding. The question is, at what? To learn about how this played out in the life of Whitney Houston, check out their 6 book: https://WhatReally KilledWhitneyHouston.com
Contributors to the Huffington Post and currently working as consultants on retainer to LinkedIn providing executive coaching, leadership training and consulting as well as working with private clients around the world, they continually prove that when unconscious beliefs are brought to the surface, the barriers to greater success and leadership presence begin to fade away. They call it Overcoming the Fear of Being Fabulous.https://OvercomingtheFearofBeingFabulous.com
HR/IR & Compliances Professional with 30+ years of varied experience
11 年It is more to do with PERCEPTION of the issue, by two different individual or groups or parties
Awesome insight. Gonna pass this on!
I appreciate the perspective that this article brings to consciousness. The idea that there is one "Truth" is reinforced by the way we ordinarily use language. We try to objective things, like opinions and needs, which are entirely subjective. And then, as the Jim said, we end up justifying ourselves. An alternative is learn ReSpeak, which is a language that teaches us how to make it clear that most of what we are saying is highly subjective. When we do this, we dramatically minimize conflict and tension in our lives. If you want to know more, visit reology.org.