"Motherless Daughters": From Observing Life to Living It

This post is part of a series in which Influencers describe the books that changed them. Follow the channel to see the full list.

When I was a senior in high school, my mom died of cancer. My dad was a rock throughout her six month illness and then forgivably fell to pieces after she was gone. My four brothers had long left for college, jobs, wives and kids, and so I was on my own. I signed my own report cards, made sure I went to the dentist, stocked the fridge with groceries, and paid the bills. While my dad quickly pulled himself out of his funk, I was entering into my own protracted one.

The next few years passed me by in a soft, dull focus. I went to a college far away from anyone who knew me, and preferred the solitude of my dorm room and the library over the company of friends. I was observing life - not participating in it - and that was fine with me. At one point, I wandered into a bookstore and there on display was Hope Edelman’s book “Motherless Daughters.” I read the first page, then sat on the floor in the store and read the whole thing. It immediately changed me; I distinctly remember walking out of the store with a fast-beating heart and tingling fingers. Soon after, I quit my dead-end job, moved to New York City, and started actively living again.

My first post on LinkedIn was titled “Embracing Big Change” and it was about proactively bringing life-altering events into your career. Afterwards, the most common question I received from readers was: what do you do when big change happens to you, when it isn’t welcomed, and in fact, is destructive? How do you deal with that?

Time and again, “Motherless Daughters” has answered that question for me, before I even knew what the question was. It holds an honored spot on my bookshelf at home, next to my favorite books on business history, market theory, and management techniques. It's there because of the place this self-help, female-empowerment, grief-psychology book occupies in my work life, particularly when managing through the rough spots. When the unexpected knocks me off my intended career course, there are three mantras I practice, gleaned from its pages:

1. Own my path: The central theme in “Motherless Daughters” is that women who were girls when they lost their mothers are paralyzed without a mother’s guidance. When they learn to become their “own mothers,” then they begin to move forward. How does this apply to my career? Ultimately, I am my most trusted advisor. In the moment of crisis, I hold on to my proven ability to make good decisions. I have come too far to give up on myself. When times get tough, I must mother myself.

2. Embrace my triggers: “Motherless Daughters” taught me that a woman starts healing when she stops blaming everything on her dead mother and begins accepting, even celebrating, how the event irrevocably changed her. This helped me think about how I control my response in a moment of crisis. My response is that I turn inward, I rely on no one, and I communicate little. In essence, I revert back to that girl in her senior year in high school, trying to keep in together. And that works for me, at least in the immediate moment. Embracing how I react in a times of stress lessens the negative impact of the situation. Over the years, I've also learned to offset my typical reaction with more constructive ones, without denying what has proven so useful to my survival.

3. 

   Dig into the difficult: Dealing with a crisis head-on is hard — really hard. “Motherless Daughters” says that women who were girls when they lost their mothers often take years to face their loss. Their healing is delayed and they miss out on life. I’ve applied this directly to solving the problems that are causing me pain. When faced with a really difficult situation at work, I see myself at 22 years old, sitting on a bookstore floor, devouring a book. Maybe today it is a complicated project that needs to be tackled, a team that needs to be rebuilt, or a job that I must quit. Whatever the tough situation is, I know that avoiding it will only bring more anguish. I must face it and resolve it.

   Photo: Original painting by Sara from AfterLabourDay on Etsy https://www.etsy.com/ca/shop/AfterLabourDay