Hello, LinkedIn

Greetings, fellow titans of business! Conan O’Brien here, not Cheng-Gong, the young Chinese boy normally in charge of my social media. Let me begin by saying it’s a true honor to be blogging on the internet—a privilege reserved only for Earth’s best and brightest one billion people. It’s no secret that we as a species are running dangerously low on blogs, so like any leader, I’m doing my part. Plus, it feels good to be on LinkedIn among my peers – attractive, fabulously successful plutocrats who laugh at their own jokes. Like you, I pride myself on joining only the most exclusive, cutting-edge social networks. So effective today…adios, Ashley Madison.

I’ve long dreamed of becoming a LinkedIn Influencer ever since my assistant mentioned it just now. It’s an honor to join the ranks of great leaders like Virgin CEO Sir Richard Branson, US President Barack Obama, and total failure Bill Gates. So, what is a LinkedIn Influencer? You tell me. Seriously, please tell me, I have no idea. I’m only here because of pure megalomania, plain and simple. From what I gather LinkedIn has something to do with making business connections. That’s great, but frankly, I wouldn’t care if it was a website for gym rats exchanging body oil recipes, I’m in this for the long haul.

The dozens of yes-men I’ve hired insist that millions of business and world leaders are eagerly reading this right now. (Hi, Desmond Tutu!) So I have little choice but to make this blog the greatest collection of business and personal advice ever assembled. Sorry, Malcolm Gladwell, there’s a new Malcolm Gladwell in town. That town is LinkedIn, and that Malcolm Gladwell is Conan O’Brien. What are my qualifications? For starters, I’ve interviewed two of the leads from the "Twilight" movies, one of the most PROFITABLE franchises of all time. You like profits, don’t you, fellow moguls? I have the ear of tastemakers like Kristin Stewart, and that one shirtless kid with the square jaw. Those relationships alone make me an Influencer you need in your corner. Jack Welch can only dream of access to such pop culture royalty.

Ronald Reagan once said, “Jelly beans!” While that has nothing to do with anything here, it did take up space at the top of this paragraph, making this blog post seem longer. As a newly minted LinkedIn Influencer, I’d like to ask a favor before retiring to my saltwater isolation tank: follow me. Why? Together, we can rise to the top of the LinkedIn food chain with no legitimate purpose. That is my mission here—for others to judge me not by the strength of my character, or wisdom of my blog posts, but by the number of LinkedIn followers I’ve amassed for no good reason. It’s needy. It’s shallow. It’s a waste of everyone’s time. This is going to be fun.

Sincerely,

Cheng-Gong