Make People Happier by Acknowledging That They’re Not Feeling Happy

Sometimes, an idea sounds so simple that it takes a while to appreciate how important and helpful it is.

I found this to be true about a happiness-project resolution I made after reading the brilliant parenting book, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk. In it, the authors Faber and Mazlish suggest acknowledging the reality of other people’s feelings: instead of denying feelings like anger, irritation, fear, or reluctance. articulate the other person’s point of view. In other words, Make people happier by acknowledging that they’re not feeling happy.

Sounds easy, right? Wrong. I had no idea how often I contradicted other people’s assertions of their feelings until I tried to quit. “You always have fun when we go.” “You should be thrilled, this is great news.” “It won’t be that much work.”

An acquaintance sent me an email with the subject line, "Small favor." But he asked for a big favor. I didn't mind doing the favor, but the lack of acknowledgement of the inconvenience bugged me. I would've been happier if I'd been asked for a "Big favor."

Experts say that denying bad feelings intensifies them; acknowledging bad feelings allows good feelings to return. Also, on my side, it’s much more pleasant to feel calm, agreeable, and understanding than resentful or combative.

Plus it never hurts to give me some gold stars.

I’ve found, too, that when other people deny or ignore my feelings, I tend to keep repeating myself (i.e., whining), because I think my feelings haven’t registered. So, for example, maybe my husband doesn’t want to talk about my irksome problems with my email, and I don’t even particularly feel like talking about it, but until I get my “Wow, that must be so annoying,” I can’t let it go.

Have you found that acknowledging bad feelings allows them to dissipate better?

To read more along these lines, check out Happier at Home, chapter four.

+++

I've heard from many real-estate agents who are giving Happier at Home to their clients. If you'd like personalized, signed "Tips for Happiness in Your New Home" cards to go with the books, request the cards at [email protected]. But you don't have to be a real-estate agent to ask! Ask one for yourself or for friends. (U.S. and Canada only, sorry.)

(Photo: Chadwick Amos, Flickr)