Not Feeling the R-E-S-P-E-C-T? How to Handle It

We have all experienced moments in our work lives when we've felt disrespected. These situations often catch us completely off-guard, leaving us shocked and frozen in our tracks. Whether it is as an ill-timed interruption, an openly snide remark or simply being ignored — feeling disrespected is difficult to handle.

We may feel engulfed in a wave of emotions when this occurs, experiencing shock, humiliation, anger or sadness.

It is a confusing place to find ourselves and often we're not quite sure what to do. Should we ignore the interaction and hope things will improve or find a way to confront the individual or situation?

Ultimately, respect is an integral part of our work environment. When this component is missing, it can be difficult to move forward.

Over the years, I've found myself in these situations. One in particular stands out. I was in the midst of a routine work day, reviewing a document to make final preparations for a client. Just at that moment, a co-worker entered the area and immediately began to yell — quite loudly — letting me know that he had reserved time with this assistant to prepare his own document. This transpired in front of at least five other people. He was insolent and blatantly disrespectful.

At that moment, I chose to not engage him. I quietly let him know that he certainly could have the time he required (I was not on a tight deadline). I then walked away. After considering the situation, I felt his behavior was more of a reflection of where he found himself on that day. His outward behavior had little to do with me —and everything to do with him.

I did mention to that there certainly had been a scheduling error (he did offer somewhat of a lukewarm apology) and tried not to hold a grudge.

There are a many aspects to consider when dealing with these types of situations: the source, the context, their mental state, and your relationship with them. However, it is best not to react immediately, pausing for a moment to shift your perspective and sort through possible explanations.

Above all, the goal is to deal with the experience in a balanced manner, learn something (even if it is to avoid a specific individual or topic) and move along — hopefully with our self-image wholly intact.

Some things think on:

• Is it personal or situational? This is such a tricky question — because let's face it — being disrespected, even merely slighted, always feels personal. However, there are many facets to consider. Was the other individual pressured or stressed? Was she in an uncomfortable situation? Are they lacking in emotional intelligence? Look at the larger picture before you decide how to proceed.
• Is being challenged the problem? Often we feel disrespected when our ideas or theories are questioned — when in fact the other individual is simply exploring your vantage point. If you can keep a clear head, try to use the opportunity to clarify your meaning and message. This may help you understand their response and temper your feelings.
• Your emotional state. What is your frame of mind? Examine the days or week before the exchange. Has it been a particularly rough period of time? Could this contribute to misjudging the situation? Often we are emotionally drained and cannot handle even the slightest hint of negativity.
• De-brief. Run the situation by a trusted colleague or friend. Maybe you are jumping to a highly emotional-charged conclusion and an objective vantage point may prove helpful. If you still feel the same way after an honest discussion, think of how you might like to proceed.
• Speak up. If salvaging the situation (or the relationship) is worthy of your time and energy, talk to the individual involved. Let them know what transpired has caused you distress, and why. Hopefully with this admission, an active discussion will ensue to help alleviate your discomfort and guide more positive exchanges in the future. If you find that you are having problems recovering your relationship, you may need to revisit the conversation.

Of course, if you feel that being disrespected is chronic or openly aggressive, evaluate your situation carefully and seek relief. Ultimately, workplace respect is fundamental to all that we hope to accomplish.

Have you ever felt disrespected in the workplace? How did you move forward?

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How to Survive a Horrible Boss

Dr. Marla Gottschalk is an Industrial/Organizational Psychologist. She also writes The Office Blend.