Why Being Too Eager Might Work Against You (and How to Fix the Problem)

When the time came for questions, a young woman stood up to say that every time she seeks an opportunity she is told at work that she’s “too eager.” What can she do to fix the problem?

This happened last weekend at SHE Summit, where PopTech director of strategic partnerships Jennifer Lopez and I gave a talk about inspiring the next generation of girls to adopt curiosity as a way of connecting to each other. We were there to represent the Tomorrow Lab project, created by the American Committee for the Weizmann Institute of Science. Our job that day was to encourage women in the room to become scientists no matter what they do for a living by adopting the scientific method of knowledge acquisition through curiosity, experimentation and imagination.

The young woman asked her question of a very experienced group of women including Anita Sands, Chief Operating Officer, UBS Wealth Management Americas; Charlotte Relyea, Partner, McKinsey & Company; Gloria Feldt, women’s leadership speaker and advocate and Joi Gordon, the CEO of Dress for Success (who started off by calling to donate a suit and ended up becoming the CEO). The advice the young woman got may not have been what she was hoping for, but it was the best advice she could have possibly received.

The panel advised her to watch her attitude and to offer ways to help someone else instead of asking for opportunities. At first glance, this might seem like the worst possible advice for a young woman who wants a chance to show what she can do. Part of the problem is that women often feel they are held back for “acting like men,” in other words, for aggressively pursuing opportunity. But it’s important to focus on how opportunity is pursued, which is the most important aspect of the chase. The woman’s question implies that someone else has to give you permission to pursue an opportunity.

This is why I cringe at the use of the word “empowerment,” as much as I support the spirit behind it. Empowerment implies a transfer of power or energy. Yes, society absolutely needs to change if we are to solve some of the massive challenges facing us. Organizations need to transform. A huge part of this change includes the evolution of our collective agreement that men and male characteristics should lead the organizations that set the tone for how the world operates. As we work toward the ideal egalitarian meritocracy, however, we have to contend with current reality. There’s something to be said for trusting yourself and moving forward without the explicit permission of others. In fact, change would never happen if people waited for power to be transferred to them instead of taking it and letting the chips fall.

Of course all professionals need employers and clients for whom to perform. But once you have a job or project, it’s less necessary to get someone else’s permission to excel as long as you’re delivering on your core responsibilities at the same time.

The idea that a woman should offer to help someone else instead of asking for opportunity can also be misinterpreted. Women taking a supporting role in exchange for opportunity? Isn’t that what we’re trying to escape? I think the advice is brilliant for everyone, male and female. The difference is that previously, women were conditioned to believe that we were only supposed to play a supporting role in exchange for some degree of security and stability, under the best circumstances. Of course this didn’t always pan out as imagined and sometimes ended up being a totally raw deal (or much worse, to the detriment not only of individual women but the world as a whole). But that’s what society shaped us to expect for most women: a life behind closed doors hidden from public view with limited impact in the public sphere. People have a tendency to follow along the well-worn groove of path dependencies. So we need to develop new habits to get hooked on.

There’s a big shift underway between the balance of the individual and the group. A person of either gender who thinks first of themselves isn’t well equipped to be a leader. A true leader is capable of inspiring the people who follow her with the belief that they are just as important when it comes to achieving a shared mission, be it on behalf of a business, an organization, a school, a community or the world. Shared goals require a constant give and take, and the improvisational ability to read the energy of the people around you and respond flexibly.

During our talk at SHE Summit, Jennifer and I asked for volunteers to join us to record videos to inspire girls around the world to adopt the scientific method of curiosity, experimentation and imagination. We expected one or two, but hands shot up all over the room. We met with the women who volunteered while they waited for a turn in front of the camera. Girls will see their messages. Maybe not all of them will become scientists, dedicated to the benefit of humanity so the rest of us can receive medical care, technological advances, a cleaner environment and more meaningful education and systems.

But you know what? Some of the girls who see these messages just might be inspired to realize they are capable of transforming the world and that they don’t need anyone’s permission to start trying. This is true whether a girl decides to become a scientist or wants to apply the scientific method to whatever path she chooses to pursue. In some places, girls have no access to education at all. In other places, education is limited by the current thinking of society. The key is for us to be there to help girls along the path as global culture shifts, so that instead of asking for opportunity, girls can just keep training to meet the challenges of an increasingly complex world and do their part, with everyone else who chooses to join in, to build the future they can imagine.

Image: Rita J. King and Jennifer Lopez at SHE Summit

@RitaJKing, Science House