Agree? Do It For Yourself, Not For Others
Gretchen Rubin
6x NYT Bestselling Author | Host of the "Happier with Gretchen Rubin" Podcast | Order "Life in Five Senses," out now in paperback
One thing I’ve learned from my happiness project is that whenever appropriate, I should “Do it for for myself.”
I have a bad habit of self-righteously telling myself that I’ve made various efforts “for my husband,” “for the team,” or whomever.
While this sounds generous, it leads to a bad result: often I expect other people to appreciate my efforts — or at least notice my efforts — and while sometimes it makes me feel virtuous, sometimes it makes me feel resentful.
Now, when appropriate, I remind myself, “I’m doing this for myself. This is what I want.” This sounds selfish, but in fact, being honest with myself makes me less demanding and resentful.
I was joking with some people about how I always make my bed, even in a hotel room on the day I’m checking out. A woman said, “Oh, I do that, too! I do it as a gift to the person who will clean my room. I think, I'll do this for you, so you don’t have to work in a messy, unattractive hotel room.” And I thought to myself, Gosh, I do it because I like it that way.
Now, there’s a great pleasure in doing good for others — and it’s the right thing to do, of course. But, I have to confess, at least for me, that kind of thinking can lead all to easily to thoughts like, “All day long I think about other people. But no one ever thinks about me! No one gives me one word of appreciation.” (How I crave those gold stars!) But if I say, “I’m making the hotel bed because that’s the way I like it,” I don’t have the same potential for resentment.
Now, I’m not saying I shouldn’t do things for other people, but rather, that I should be honest with myself. If I’m truly doing something for someone else, that’s worth noting. And it’s important to do things for others. But if I’m really doing it to suit myself, I fare better when I admit it.
How about you? Do you ever find yourself making this justification for yourself?
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(Photo: rintakupu, Flickr)
I agree that sometimes we forget to attend to things for ourselves and not because we have to for other people. The only problem with making the hotel bed is that the maid will either strip it down the moment she enters the room or think that no-one has slept in it and not change the sheets.
Invest Director in Walden International
11 年i know someone who is like the arthur:"i am preparing the food for husband, for daughter, for everyone else",,, i rather believe it is a habit, to put own life meaning and pressure, to others.
Commercial Development Manager at Orion S.A.
11 年I completely agree with all of it!!! You couldn't have explained it better!
Director British Color Industries Pvt Ltd I Manufacturer Industrial Coatings I Packaging Solution I Recipient WIM Global Awards ?? | Her Courage Award Honoree
11 年I liked the idea.... When I think I'm doing for someone else, I feel resentful as if i'm expecting something from them.....I do it for myself..... I just do it because I like it that way.....
customer servise at Barrington
12 年I agree with you. I always felt that I had done a lot of things for my family and my husband. But my husband didn't realize that i did it for the family. He think it is my responsiblity. He doesn't appreciate it. But if I think it in your way now, I don't have to be so sad and angry with his words. I do it for myself.