- Please prepare ahead of time:?Preparation is essential for any negotiation. According to Jeanne Brett, professor emerita of dispute resolution and organizations at Northwestern’s Kellogg School of Management and a member of the NegotiAge team, “You want to think through answers to several fundamental questions: What issues need to be addressed? Who are the parties invested in these issues? What are the parties’ positions on each of these issues? Why do you believe they’re taking those positions? And what will happen if we can’t reach an agreement?” Writing down answers to these questions in a planning document is helpful. Include yourself among the parties and spell out your goals for future conversations.
- Look for common interests:?“Don’t adopt an adversarial approach. Rather, emphasize that you’re on the same team. The goal isn’t for one side to win; it’s for people to work together to find a solution to the issue at hand.”
- Ask questions:?Don’t assume you know why your parent is taking a particular position (“I don’t want to go to the doctor”). Instead, ask follow-up questions like “Why?” or “Why not?” If an older person snaps, “I don’t want to talk about it,” don’t back away. Acknowledge their discomfort by saying, “I understand this is difficult,” while adding, “I care about you, and I want to know more.”
- Think about solutions:?Focus on addressing your parents’ concerns rather than telling them what to do. Commit to doing your research; if you don’t have an answer, don’t make one up. The goal is to cultivate trust and foster a spirit of mutual support and cooperation.
- Focus on the benefits of your proposed solutions:?Always focus on the benefits of your proposed solution. For instance, if you see assisted living as the answer, emphasize the variety of social and recreational activities these communities offer.
- Stay calm:?On some level, your parents may be aware that they face new challenges, so avoiding discussions about their future might seem safer than acknowledging their evolving reality. Stating your concerns calmly and speaking with love and tenderness can help reassure them that change will be okay.
- Ensure your loved one feels understood:?Start difficult discussions with open-ended questions: “What are some things you’re having issues with? What are you doing that you wish you could be doing differently? What would make your life easier?” Listen carefully and make sure the person feels heard and respected.
- Brainstorm strategies?that can help solve the problem at hand. Get creative and put lots of options on the table. Invite your parent to respond and ask “Why?” or “Why not?” again as needed. Don’t expect to agree on a strategy right away. “You can say, ‘Let’s bring in Mom and talk about this later,’ or, ‘Let’s think about this and check in with each other next week,’” Lindquist noted that many negotiations take time.
- Be sensitive:?Criticism and judgment can put your parents on the defensive. Avoid bluntly telling your parents that they don’t know how to manage their own lives, as that will not win them over. Instead, stick to “I” statements, such as, “I’m feeling concerned because you look like you’re losing weight, and I’m worried that you’re not eating enough.”
- Bring In someone else:?If you have siblings, schedule a family meeting to discuss your concerns or ask them to talk to Mom and dad. Ensure you and your siblings are on the same page about the critical issues. If all else fails, bring in a third party or a trained mediator to help!?
- Seek outside help — for yourself:?Dealing gently with stubborn aging parents may not come quickly if you feel anxious and frustrated. If this is the case, try to divert some of your caregiving energy to yourself and get outside support, be it a meditation group, a counselor, or a support group.
- Patience and persistence go a long way?toward making conversations productive when dealing with aging parents. Don’t go in with the expectation that everything should be resolved in one sitting. You will probably have to mention your concerns to your parents numerous times — so be patient.?
- Have multiple conversations:?Bombarding the senior you love with too much information in a single conversation can needlessly trigger their fear of losing control. Suppose your loved one has dementia or cognitive impairment. In that case, they may not take in too much information at once. Consider splitting the conversation into multiple conversations.?
- Avoid power struggles:?Don’t push, nag, or harangue your parents. Giving ultimatums will only get their backs up, and yelling, arguing, slamming doors, and so on could seriously damage the relationship. Instead, empower your loved one by making them a part of every decision-making process. Validate their emotions and show them that you value their opinions.
- ?Know that timing is everything:?Productive conversations never happen when everyone feels stressed or exhausted. Make sure you choose to have challenging discussions when your parents feel relaxed rather than depressed or anxious. Be sure you aren’t overly stressed, either.
- Spend more quality time with your parents:?Your interactions become more harmonious if they know you prioritize the relationship instead of squeezing it into a hectic schedule.
- ?Talk to their doctor:?If all else fails, you might want to contact your parents’ doctor(s) and let them know about your concern for your parent’s well-being. The doctors may be unable to talk to you because of privacy rules. Ultimately, a medical professional may be the one whose advice your parents will heed.
- Try and understand the motivation behind the behavior:?When approaching your loved one, listen to what they are saying and what they may not be saying. For example, they may be afraid to move to assisted living because they are worried about making friends. They may resist visiting the physician because they fear what their doctor may say about their condition. Many times, fear or anxiety is the underlying culprit of their behavior.
- Don’t beat yourself up:?It is difficult to watch loved ones face challenges caused by aging, especially if they are not receptive to help. However, you can only do so much convincing and pleading to change their minds or get them to explore new options. Do your best to accept the situation for what it is and know what you cannot change (and what you can).
- Treat your aging parents as competent adults:?Remember that your parents are adults. They deserve to be treated as such. Even if a parent has dementia, they are still legally deemed competent unless and until a Court finds them incompetent to make decisions. People in early and even moderate stages of dementia are still capable of making decisions for themselves, even though they may exercise poor judgment. During your conversations, focus on empowering them and giving them plenty of choices and input into every decision.
