20 Malicious Advice to Managers

Growing up in Russia, I have always enjoyed reading a book by Grigory Oster "Bad advice. Book for naughty children and their parents". It is a satirical take on advising kids on "the best worst behaviour" in different situations. Below is a flavour of the advice Oster gives to the kids.

If with the family swimming 
You went to the river, 
Don't interfere with parents of yours 
Sunbathing up on the shore. 
Don't scream, 
Let the adults relax. 
Without much fuss, 
Quietly drown.

Below is my attempt to give some malicious advice to managers. And while I am not as articulate and poetic as Grigory Oster, I hope you will find it a bit funny and educational, as I found the original books.

1. Direction: Micromanagement is the only guaranteed way to ensure it is done right - tell them what you want to be done step by step, and the more detailed, the better. Just imagine what could go wrong if your people start using initiative and imagination.
2. Clarity: Constantly move goal-posts, be unpredictable, change tact and your expectations every second day. Lack of transparency makes it easier to keep your team under complete control and ensures they could never exceed your high expectations. If by some fluke they manage, take all the credit.
3. Trust: Trust no one, especially your people. Trust reduces fear, and you need to keep your people on their toes, how else you are going to control them. This fear should keep them stressed but more vigilant so that they won't miss a crucial detail.
4. Give Credit: Always take credit for any successful project or initiative. Never acknowledge the contribution of your team - it is their job to make you look good.
5. Praise: If your people do something well, find something to criticise them for. They are not perfect, make sure they and everyone around them know it.
6. Presence: There is no need to dedicate time to your people, it is such a waste of your time. Your lack of presence showing your people you are busy and important. Don't share where you are, let them run around looking for you.
7. Context: One line emails is the best way to get answers for your important questions. Lack of context never stopped anyone before, after all, it is your team's job to figure things out and provide you with that all-important answer.
8. Equality: You should always have favourites. The more apparent it is, the better. Give them special privileges and the first pick of the best projects and initiatives.
9. Communication: Keep information as close to the chest as possible, only share what you absolutely must. Just because the information might be helpful, it doesn't warrant wasting your time sharing it. Change communication methods frequently, never be consistent, use convoluted language.
10. Transparency: Never share the reasons why certain decisions are made, nor information or knowledge it was based on - all your people need to know is the outcome. It will increase anxiety, making it much easier to control your people.
11. Responsiveness: Take your time responding to your team emails and requests, the longer, the better. If you find they have done something without receiving your blessing, chastise them publicly for not "following the right process".
12. Team Meetings: Regular team meetings are a curse, barely have them, regularly change times and never tell your people what to expect. If you provide an agenda, do it sporadically and just before the meeting starts - having people prepare might make team meetings more effective and more comfortable for your people to engage with, and this is not something you are after.
13. Truth: Tell people half-truth, or a bit of lie. Keep the whole story to yourself. Always change the story depending on circumstances and people you are talking to. Inconsistency is the key. It ensures your people don't have any clue what is going on so they will be running to you for answers making you indispensable.
14. Delegation: Take all authority from your team, it is after all your job to make all the decisions. Imagine what might happen if they start making day to day decisions by themselves - it could make them self-sufficient and not entirely dependent on you.
15. One-on-Ones: Treat your one-on-one meetings as an interrogation. The whole purpose of these meetings is for you to get what you need and want and for your employees to give it to you.
16. Feedback: Repeatedly remind your people of their deficiencies and shortcoming, and do it in public - this guarantees they will never forget.
17. Empathy: It shouldn't be your concern what your people are feeling, nor why they are reacting in a certain way. The problem is theirs, and they need to harden up and get on with it.
18. Conflict Management: Avoid dealing with conflict at any cost and the longer you can do so, the better - you never know if it might just explode on its own and then it is so much easier to find someone else to blame.
19. Self-Reflection: No need to dwell on what you could have done differently or learned from your previous actions as you are just perfect.
20. Balance: There is no such thing as life balance, it is about work balance: the more work - the better balance. Always remind your people that they are not doing enough. At the end of the day, if they are not overworked, you are not pushing them hard enough.

If while you were reading this article, you saw yourself, even if just a bit, it is never too late to change your ways and approach things differently, as we are all on a continuous road to self-improvement.

As I am a collector, please use LinkedIn comments to add other advice and I will either add it here or publish a part two depending on volumes. Looking forward to reading the comments and expanding my collection.