About 2 years ago, I was born again...

Like a phoenix, I rose from the ashes. Ok, it was nothing as dramatic as that. But rebirth is a real struggle. You have to see your darkest hours before you can witness the break of dawn.

It’s the worst of times before it’s the best of times.

At least, that’s how motherhood went down for me. I gave birth to not one but two new humans (No, I didn’t have twins). And despite the 36 hours of painful labor that the tinier human entailed, birthing the new me was far more gut-wrenching and long-drawn than giving birth to my son. Although, it was equally rewarding.

Through the last 2 years of motherhood, I’ve experienced a rebirth in myriad ways. But it has especially manifested itself through my…

?1. Mental health

Motherhood can be a horror story.?Especially in the early days. You’re a sleep-deprived, hormonal mess that’s suddenly responsible for someone you love more than life itself. Pressure, much? It certainly got to me. We’re talking multiple meltdowns and existential crises.

I’d always struggled with some of my inner demons. Mistakes too far back in the past. Failures and setbacks that anyone else would find inconsequential. But that I being a sensitive soul, took too personally.

But suddenly it hurt all too much (uncontrollably) that I couldn’t make it to the grad school of my choice. That the first job I ever scored turned out to be a complete disaster. That I let the high school mean girl pick on me that hot, summer July of 2006...

After all, if I couldn’t protect myself, how could I protect this gorgeous, divine creature I held in my arms? I didn’t deserve to be his mother… my thoughts spiraled out of control until I reached a point where I knew I needed intervention. So…

?I started to meditate regularly.

Initially, it felt like a farce. But I was desperate for things to change. Ready to try anything. So I stuck at it. Something I hadn’t done before. Consistency was never my strongest suit. And certainly not when it came to sitting alone with my thoughts. Or becoming one with my breath. It felt silly. Like a waste of time. Until a month into it, I noticed a palpable difference. I was sleeping better. I was living more in the moment. Worrying less about the little guy’s future and all the things that could go horribly wrong. In that moment as we snuggled together, everything was right. So the future, menacing as it still feels at times because of all its uncertainty, could wait.

?I started therapy.

Not sure if that’s still a societal /social stigma but here goes: I go to therapy and I’m proud! Because it has shaped me more than the majority of my life experiences combined. Through my sessions, I’ve learned to understand and appreciate myself and those around me in a way that was hitherto unimaginable.

?Now I wish I’d started seeing a good therapist even before things felt “wrong” or out of my control. Truth is, we could all use some inner work. And the right therapist could help us get down and dirty with our true selves.

?While I would love to say that my inner peace is now equivalent to that of the Dalai Lama himself, the truth is I’m still a work in progress. However, my transformation from my previous version feels beyond incredible to me. There’s only one word that does justice to it: Rebirth.

?2. Relationships with loved ones:

?I’d always considered my relationship with my innermost circle: husband, parents, and in-laws as perfect. Sure, we had our differences. But we loved each other dearly and that could see us through anything.

?Through motherhood, it dawned on me just how much the “near-perfection” in my relationships with these folks was because of their largesse. Not mine. They were the givers, the nurturers in the relationship. And while I’d been grateful, I’d also been a bit oblivious to their needs, always being in my own little bubble.

?While I still feel my relationships with these people are skewed towards them being more giving, I now try to be more receptive to their needs- emotional and otherwise.

?I have a newfound appreciation for these folks who’ve stood by me through my worst. Just when I thought I couldn’t be more grateful for having them in my life, my gratitude post-motherhood grew multifold.

?3. ?Lifestyle:

Footloose and fancy-free would be an understatement if I were to describe my lifestyle before the baby. My sleeping hours were erratic; depending on how hooked I was to the latest Netflix hit. I would eat whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. Cancel my workouts on a whim…

However, countless hours of breastfeeding, especially through the night, gave me a newfound appreciation for routine. For structure and discipline.

?As I started to wean my son off, I found myself craving to go to bed at the same time (9.30 pm) every night. I would rise with the sun and the son (he’s an early riser) and start my day with some meditation before spending some euphoric moments with my baby. He’s at his happiest and most active self when he’s just woken up after a long night of sleep.

Having a baby is the biggest incentive you could have to take care of yourself, so you can bring your best self to the motherhood gig. Working out, eating cleaner, and sleeping better aren’t just gifts for me. They benefit my son. So there’s no way I’m letting go of my new lifestyle.

?4. New Friendships and Perspectives:

I don’t mean to sound elitist. But there is no friendship in the world like that of two moms who’ve been vulnerable with each other about their motherhood journey. Warts and all. That bond is almost as sacrosanct as the one I share with my mom.

After I became a mom, the relationship I shared with my friends who were already part of the motherhood club grew so much stronger. Not just because of all the new activities we could do together. But because of the stories we told. The personal experiences we shared with each other. The secrets we revealed about our fears, our mistakes, and our lessons along this journey.

These made me realize that I’m not a misfit for not having experienced picture-perfect, storybook motherhood. While my motherhood experience may be unique to my life, the truth is, no mom escapes unscathed.

Most folks only talk about the joys of motherhood. But if the walls could talk when two moms bond in a room together, it would speak of the perils of having your heart beat right outside of you, defenseless against any harm that could be caused by the big, bad world. Or worse, yourself.?

Moreover, being a mom, led to a new circle of friendships with other moms who were dipping their toes into motherhood, at the same time as myself. New friendships, new perspectives, new lessons learned, translating into a newer, better me.

?Two years of my motherhood journey shall come to a close in about a week. And Avaan, my son, I want to thank you for creating Surabhi 2.0. The world probably thinks that you should be grateful to me for giving you the gift of life. But I feel infinite gratitude towards you for renewing the gift of life for me. You’ve taught me how to live and continue to do so every single day.

Happy two years, son! Wishing you a lifetime of joy!

Have you had any life experiences that transformed you forever?