TEDLeads #3. Ask An Expert. Phone A Friend.

Ted Lasso's Leadership Trait #3 – Ask The ‘Experts’ (or Phone A Friend!)

?Much wisdom here. And not a lot of ego.

Ted treats everyone as if they're experts. And we all are - at something. He invites anyone to share what they know, their experience, advice, thoughts, and contribute. Without judgment. It's the ultimate guide to freedom and straight-talking.

Ted knows there’s no hierarchy when it comes to ‘knowing’ and ‘not knowing’. And he's loved for it. This is how to gain real followers. And that's what it takes to be a real leader. This isn't something you have on paper, because of your title, credentials, get via promotion, or because you have 'the power'. You get followers because you know how to influence people by offering vs manipulating, by inviting vs trying to control.

Note. This means you and anyone can lead from anywhere, no matter your title or role.

Ted knows it's impossible to have all the answers all the time. And he has the humility to admit it. Anyone who pretends they have all the answers (or experience) is lying to you (and to themselves).

It isn't a weakness to say 'I don't know (but I will find out)'. Healthy people accept this.

It IS a weakness to pretend you know and try to backfill. Everyone can tell. It's stressful

Crucial Note. Ted easily asks the experts professionally but he’s consummately rubbish at doing it in his personal life. Sound familiar? He's going through hell emotionally and tries to hide it. Relocating US -> UK, divorce, leaving his son, starting a new job in a sport he knows nothing about. Tough. Suppressing it all and distracting himself with work is not a winning strategy.

He tries to hide his messy emotions – pain, loss, confusion, upset, grief. And, rather than get support, he keeps going like a wind-up toy. He falls prey to a huge blind spot born out of fear and past experience. He's human...

"Blind spots are the mind-blanks we create to protect ourselves from getting hurt. Again.”

Why not get expert help? Because of past experience. Ted doesn't 'do' counseling because it didn’t work in his marriage. For once, he doesn't trust the experts or even his friends. Instead, he tries to hide what he sees as a weakness (and quite possibly feels ashamed about) to avoid feeling ‘out of emotional control’ and pretends everything is OK using jarring humour. It's hard not to feel huge compassion as you watch this play out. We're all rooting for Ted to fess up and allow other people to help him...where he needs it most...in his heart.

When I was a newly minted consultant in 1980s London we were told to leave our personal lives at home and ‘be professional’. This is nonsense. It asks us to pretend that everything is 'fine' when it's not. This causes excess stress. It turns human experiences - death, drepression, post-natal depression, divorce, loss, sadness, grief - into shame.

Excess stress compromises our performance (and happiness). Sanity 101. And it's still common in my generation to 'pretend' and withhold. I believe this is responsible for the burnout-stress and mental health struggles many senior professionals face today. It's inhuman and irresponsible. We'd all do well to remember that these experiences will visit us all. When they do, how would you like to feel and be treated?

The more Ted tries to hide his emotions from others (and from himself), the stronger they get. Ultimately they fester into panic. And the one thing he wanted to avoid – loss of control.

"It’s common that what we try hardest to avoid ends up happening anyway and hitting us harder."

When his first panic attack hits - during a critical match - Ted tries to cover it up. He lies. This leaves him open to discovery and throws his ‘fitness’ to lead and trustworthiness into question. Now he has to 'fess up' or tell a lie bigger lie and risk even more loss of face.

Note the impact of not asking for help.

Admitting our fears publicly - with wisdom (notice your surroundings) - invites respect. No one can sensibly argue with someone who chooses to be vulnerable, honest, and human. What can you say in the face of honest vulnerability that makes you look like a dick? Pull yourself together. You'll be OK. It's nothing to worry about. This too shall pass. I've been there. I know how you're feeling. Be more professional...

Stop talking. Just listen. Honor the person for having the chutzpah to be honest because they're probably terrified on top of struggling. Thank them. Hold space so they can figure it out. They don't need you to step in, 'fix' them, 'try to make it OK'. Only they can do that.

Only Ted can.

When he admits he lied and shares his panic, the immediate response from his team is “We’ve got your back.” That's the opposite to what he feared most - perhaps that they'd turn on him or think less of him. Instead, he gains their power, more respect and creates a bond.

Again - that's a common pattern...

Our fears are almost always much worse than reality - which is a relief.

When Ted finally asks the expert - Dr. Sharon - for help he affects her too. By observing his struggle to open up she realizes that she, too, struggles to be vulnerable. Again, notice that straight-talking and honest emotion is infections, shifting the world around Ted for the better.

Being brave, vulnerable, and honest is extremely contagious. As a leader, it gives everyone else permission to do and be the same. I believe that humans working together can handle pretty much anything. And this starts and ends with honesty. It's not rocket science. It seems to be somewhat rare...

Never underestimate your power as a role model when you admit your fears, lose control, and take time to learn how to bounce back. You don't need a title to do this. Just courage.

This is personal growth. This is leadership.

And tomorrow on TEDLeads... Trait #4 – Listen Then Let It Go.