2 nifty steps to stop people pleasing for good

This is a big claim, I know, but:

Perfectionism and all its cousins – fear of failure, fear of what ‘they’ will think, fear of disappointing someone – almost always comes down to this one thing of

trying to please everyone and their grandmother

We want things to be ‘perfect’ because, at the heart of it, we feel that anything less than will make people (partners, colleagues, parents, distant relatives, faceless-general-public) less happy with us.

We’re scared of failing because we worry that that failure will ultimately displease someone and make them like us less.

So here are two nifty things you can do to release that burden of needing to please everyone.

1. Remember you’re not an intentionally malicious, evil monster

For real though. In most cases, the people who worry about upsetting other people - likely you, dear reader - are good people who don’t start each day intending to go out and fuck with people’s lives.

The fact that you worry about making things ‘perfect’ and making people happy is itself proof that you care; you want things to be well all round.

I’m pretty sure that just by virtue of you reading this article, you are not the kind of person who?sets out wanting to purposefully harm / upset / disappoint / piss off people.

(Conversely, the people who?are?intentionally malicious don’t sit around worrying about these things – which is exactly the problem)

So, remind yourself of your true intentions where you’re coming from why you’re doing what you’re doing.

Take everyone else out of the equation and acknowledge for yourself, first and foremost, why you’re doing what you’re doing, the way you’re doing it.

Ask yourself:

• Do you have a clear conscience?
• Are you generally being a considerate, decent human being? Don’t overthink this.
• If, upon reflection, you realise that you?are?being an arsehole, are you willing to amend that and find better ways of doing/being?
• If you do inadvertently, unknowingly end up genuinely upsetting someone, are you willing/able to apologise and make up for it where you can?

Yes?

Okay, good.

Step one, done.

2. Give the responsibility of their reactions back to them

Okay, let’s recap:

(a) you’re clear on your intentions / where you’re coming from

(b) you know you are able and willing to fix any genuine mistakes if they arise.

Given all this, let’s say someone?still?reacts in a shitty, unreasonable way towards you;

They still think you’re not good enough;

They vehemently disagree with your opinion;

They dislike or disapprove of what you’re saying / doing / wearing / eating / thinking;

They refuse to dialogue to understand each other better;

They form some ridiculous unfounded notions about you;

They start picking arguments and resorting to criticism, gaslighting, emotionally blackmail etc. etc. etc....

At this point, go back to recalling your initial intentions, draw a blindingly clear line around those boundaries

and?give the goddamn responsibility of their subsequent bullshit reactions back to them.

Most people are grown-ass adults with grown-ass thinking faculties

Listen, in most instances, these people are grown-ass adults, with the thinking faculties, capacities and discernment to make their own (informed) decisions and conclusions.

Those decisions include the responsibility to manage their own feelings and reactions to things that they dislike/don’t agree with;

to speak to others like a rational, decent adult to clear any misunderstandings or to assert their own boundaries (which you, in turn, as a grown-ass adult should also respect).

If instead, they fly off the handle; react badly; think unjust, erroneous thoughts about you and take unjust, erroneous action as a result of those thoughts – THAT’S ON THEM.

You don’t have time, love or money to babysit their feelings or to do the emotional labour to ensure that you just living your own life doesn’t ‘upset them’.

So often we get caught out because we absorb and internalise other people’s reactions as our own

and then make it our responsibility to then ‘make it right’.

But somebody ‘not liking’ or ‘not agreeing’ with something you do/say/are is not your responsibility.

It’s never your responsibility because there is literally nothing you can do to make someone like/understand/approve of something that they have already decided they don’t.

(Obviously, I’m?not saying?that you should just go out and do whatever the fuck you want without any care at all if you cause harm. That’s why Step One is getting clear about what you’re doing/saying and why, and setting those firm boundaries for yourself first.)

So, the summary:

Do your very best with whatever feels good, comfortable and most aligned with your deep-down values and beliefs.

Know where you stand and what you stand for. Establish your boundaries around that.

If people flip out and react unfavourably, don’t absorb that reaction as something that you must now be responsible for and ‘fix’. Remember that these are grown-ass, fuckin adults who should be managing their own feelings and reactions.

Give the goddamn responsibility back to them.

Know clearly for yourself the boundaries and intentions within which you are acting. And recognise that anything outside of your boundaries is just that –?outside.