#2: Bossy, The Boss or A Leader?

A couple of years ago, my husband picked up my then three-year-old daughter from pre-school and shared with me that her teacher had some feedback on how she was being too bossy in class...

Before I could even respond, I was flooded with a rush of feelings all at once. I was mostly relieved that my husband was there to hear the feedback instead of me, in that instant, so that I didn’t “go off” on a preschool teacher whom my daughter absolutely loved. Most of the feelings that flooded me, as with most things in parenting, came from my own experience being bossy – as a child, teenager, and now, even as an adult – and how that word has been used against me. That, actually, is what fueled my ambition and drive to be a boss.

Just last month during Girl Up’s UN General Assembly themed Girl Talk event, one of our fearless Girl Up leaders, Selin, had her own moment with “bossy.” I realized then that this term, this phrase, this question of women’s leadership and girls’ leadership and frankly toddlers’ leadership is still an issue plaguing women trying to lead in a world built by male leaders.

“I’ve been told so many times I was being too bossy. If a boy was doing the same thing, he would be the boss, but because I am an adolescent girl you’re calling me bossy,” expressed Selin, 18. “This represents the whole Girl Up Community. We are not bossy, we are the bosses, girl bosses. And we are ready to change the world. So buckle up.”

Some of you may remember the uproar of feelings from 2014 when Sheryl Sandberg wrote about “bossy” in her book “LeanIn”, even launching her banbossy.com campaign.

So many people had so many feelings about this – some dug in that bossing was not leading, and they still didn’t want bossy daughters. Others were vindicated, (I was in that group).?

I joke about it now, and as a leader and a boss today I can own it. I like to quip that I came out of the womb telling people what to do. I’ve always loved being in charge. I used to be, and still can be, a bit bossy (just ask my family). I’m also the leader of a global youth leadership movement. This does not feel coincidental.

Those early leadership skills showed up in unpolished, unempathetic delivery – as kids are often unpolished and unempathetic. In my early management years, I was forceful in my approach and just trying to get things done on my own leadership journey. Over the years, I have polished my delivery and strive every day to lead from a place of empathy – not to boss, or just be a boss, but to be a leader.

How does the world think about bossy girls and bossy women now? Has it changed since Sheryl Sandberg tried to ban it in 2014? What about since 1986? Or even 2019, when used to describe my daughter? I went to my best source to see if there was a way to reclaim bossy, if we really do need to just work through all our feelings and let it go, and what is the truth in the difference between being bossy, being the boss and being a leader.

Selin, founder of Girl Up Istanbul and my inspiration for this article, experiences it like this:?

"From a grammatic point of view, boss means the excellent quality, while bossy often tends to be used as giving order to other people, being studded and domineering over others.?Even at schools, boss is being used for boys who are leaders, who will change the world in the future while bossy is being used for girls "who try to control the situation by demanding certain things to be done." The society using the word boss for boys and bossy for girls proves how even from childhood these gender roles of how you should act or be is engraved inside our heads.?

Ambitious women are the ones who will change the world, I believe, because we are born as warriors and survivors. These gender-based stereotypes and obstacles are being thrown at us the moment we are born. Young girls and young women have to learn how to tackle the obstacles and keep pushing, keep going. Maybe these challenges are the reason why we become ambitious, because we 'have' to. But girls?are not bossy, they are simply bold and would like to be their own authority.?

What saddens me is that ambitious women who are born to lead are being called bossy, because society and the system is threatened by them, “what a fragile system it must be” just like Katniss Everdeen once said in Hunger Games.?

The negative connotation of “bossy” is rooted in our misogyny society, and it’s time to change that. Women and young girls have the worry of being called the bossy because the society teaches them how important it is to be likeable and being called the bossy does not help with that. There are two things: A) we have to reclaim the word bossy but more importantly B) you do not have to be likeable. You should not change yourself or stop pursuing your dreams because you want people to like you.?

As society and as women, especially, it is time to reclaim the word bossy and embrace our inner strength, power, ambition that will lead us into creating meaningful change.?You are not bossy, you are *the* boss."

I have to say on this one, I agree with Selin over Sheryl. I don’t think I’ve ever heard a boy called bossy, actually ever. If we see “bossy” as a compliment, as potential, as something to wear as a badge, we transform the negative power it holds. If we see bossy girls on a journey to become successful bosses who will change the world, that is something to welcome.

So, let’s celebrate it. Let’s not call it something else, smooth it over to feel more palatable, or ban it. I, for one, would rather feel the “buckle up” feelings when I hear and celebrate a girl being called bossy, than to cringe or “go off” in protest to it.

What do you think? And how do we take this innate bossy potential and groom it, craft it and polish it into real leadership while shifting the power of the term? Any other bossy girls out there feeling all their feelings about this?