#19 The Good, Bad & Ugly of Friendships at Work

THAT MOMENT WHEN YOU

• feel instantly better knowing your work bestie is assigned to the same project
• feel upset and consider leaving a job you were OK with because your work buddies are all quitting one by one for some place else
• feel a little pissed off at why that line manager’s pals keep getting the sweetest deals and you get the less fun projects

…you’re in the Good, Bad & Ugly of Friendships at work.

THINK // 3 insights from the field

?? THE GOOD THING about having friends at work is obvious: we spend half our waking hours at work, why not spend it with people that you actually enjoy?

One of Ray Dalio’s “Principles for Life and Work” is:

“People that you want to share your life with” = friendships.

Daily grinding through work in the office can make people feel like a bunch of “human doings”. Having enjoyable friends at work reminds us we can also show up simply as “human beings” in office sharing life together - laughing, crying, joking, playing, swapping anecdotes and ongoings.

Friendships at work can look like

1. thick, primary relationships with our favourite team-mates and “work besties”: the ones we always look out to lunch with and want to hang out with - even after work or in non-work context.
2. thinner, secondary relationships with friendly colleagues, clients, suppliers and associates: the ones we can share genuine camaderie, smiles and positive engagement with during work hours in a work context.

Human beings are not just hardwired to seek purpose, impact and fulfilling of ambition through accomplishing good work. Human beings are first and foremost hardwired to seek relationship, emotional connection and social safety.

Work just feels so much more enjoyable, meaningful and humane when we are surrounded by friendly relationships there. The need to form enjoyable relationships is innate and a workplace that does not provide that is a lonely, unsafe space that does not help people do their best work.

The practical benefits of encouraging workplace friendships are clear. Having friendships and friendly people at work can:

• develop a sense of belonging and trust (Berman et al., 2002).
• lead to fewer workplace accidents as people care more for the safety of their friends.
• increase job satisfaction because of increase in positive emotions, happiness, and psychological safety (Andrew & Montague, 1998; Carmeli et al., 2009).
• encourage sharing of knowledge to improve performance (Chiaburu & Harrison, 2008).
• reduces the risk and cost of failing and helps people adopt more open, creative behaviour (Berman et al., 2002).
• create more social capital and social networks for ourselves that can be leveraged for later opportunities across our career trajectory

?? THE BAD THING is some of us may have different ideas of what being “a good friend” means - and some of our ideas are actually unhealthy.

The problem is many of us may think

a good friendship = enjoyable (enjoyment, companionship, camaderie)

But actually,

a good friendship = enjoyable x healthy (trustworthy, mutually supportive, equal in power dynamic and priority, accountable)

Just look at Tim Urban’s famous 2 × 2 chart on “Does This Friendship Make Sense?”

A good friend isn’t just somebody we find agreeable and enjoyable. It’s actually somebody we have a healthy, empowering, mutually accountable dynamic with. So a good friend can and does hold us accountable when we mess up. A good friend also does not back down when they need to challenge our misconceptions.

A good work friend in this definition is someone who would encourage a healthy work ethic - and such workplace friendships would be appreciated by any healthy organisation.

High-performing teams establish a culture of high psychological safety that they leverage on when they must take interpersonal risks with each other to share difficult feedback, ask tough questions or challenge the way you are currently working.

That’s not too different from the kind of atmosphere a really good friend holds for us.

Unfortunately, many people’s misconceptions about what it means to be a friend carries over into their workplace friendships:

Many toxic workplace friendships usually fall under the problematic Q3 quadrant of Enjoyable x Unhealthy:

• Work cliques who enjoy the best time at work but are the worst-performing teams who just don’t get anything done. can reduce organisational loyalty, commitment, and productivity (Pillemer & Rothbard, 2016).
• Work buddies who avoid constructive conflict and enable each others’ problematic behaviour in favor of “preserving the friendship”
• Work superiors who cultivate friendships with selected line reports and give their favourites unfair advantages, preferential treatment, unequal access to information etc
• Work cliques that use gossip, insider jokes and exclusionary activities to create more cohesion amongst themselves but fracture the organisation’s sense of teamship.

?? THE UGLY THING happens when power dynamics change between Enjoyable but Unhealthy workplace friendships that already have poor understanding of boundaries and are not equitable in power and priority.

Unhealthy workplace friendships can get even more unhealthy when the power balance shifts because one of the friends gets promoted vs. the other friends.

The power shift can create these 3 ugly situations:

The more powerful (and unhealthy) friend uses his/her newfound power to build a cult of personality or gang with his/her friends at work

In previous GBU editions #9 and #10, I already shared about unhealthy workplace ‘friendships’ that create cults of personality and gangs .

2.The more powerful friend uses his/her newfound power to create a cult of cronyism to please or gain more favour for his/her friends at work

Cronyism is the appointment of friends and associates to positions of authority, without proper regard to their qualifications.

You could be unaware that you are practicing cronyism when you

• share with your friends more information, knowledge, opportunities etc. vs. other people at work.
• keep recommending or appointing friends from previous workplaces or external interest groups (eg: same religious group, same sports group, same army cohort, same training programme cohort etc) into positions of power in your organisation

You may think this is “what friends do” or “but it makes sense to put more trust in people I know right?”. But this is morally grey for the workplace and can lead to breakdown in organisational trust:

• colleagues may feel unfairly treated due to unfair assignment and reward allocations that seem to favour those in the “inner circle of friendship”
• as more employees feel decisions in the organisation are based on relational closeness vs. performance, they may believe that the organisation does not reward hard work or competency.
• this leads to employees choosing to disengage, stop being productive, “quiet quit” - or leave the organisation.

3.The more powerful friend who refuses to use his/her newfound power to favour his/her friends at work may be surprised by the negative blowback.

You may be promoted at work into a position where you have to manage your friends. Perhaps you have to deliver uncomfortable but truthful feedback about their performance or deny them a position or benefit they thought they could get through you.

• this can elicit feelings of jealousy, envy or resentment: “You know I could easily do what you do. They should have promoted me.”
• this can elicit feelings of sadness: “I miss how things were. I prefer the old you.”
• this can elicit feelings of anger: “I would have done it for you if I were in your position.”

You may even hear the ugly statement “I thought we were friends!”. This is a pivotal moment where you will to clarify for yourself and with each other what you think friendship actually means to you.

A real friend - a Good friend - would be willing to work through a tough moment like this and take feedback about why you disagree with their stance.

The bad news is: you may discover that who you thought was a friend was not actually a friend. Perhaps you realise they were just a fun acquaintance, someone enjoyable but just not healthy for you. Or they are actually a frenemy, someone revealing that they are not that enjoyable and really not that healthy for you.

The good news even in this ugly circumstance is you may learn who actually are your friends or grow in your definition of what a Good, healthy, enjoyable friendship can look like - be it at work or outside of work.

FEEL // 2 links to help you feel less alone

WATCH/LISTEN Common Ground’s podcast episode Practice Well-being in Team where two team members on the CG team unpack how they support each other through healthy workplace friendships:

For a short video clip:

For the full episode on Spotify:

READ John Clifton, CEO of Gallup , reflect on 4 ways managers can create and maintain a friendship-friendly workplace that delivers measurable results

DO // 1 strategy to try this week

NOTICE the quality of your workplace friendships:

Are they Healthy:

-do you trust each other?

- are you equal in power & priority?

- are you supporting each other equally through wins & losses?

- do you both help each other grow in overall well-being?

- do you walk away from each other with a deeper sense of security and interdependency in yourself and others in the world? (vs codependency)

Are they Enjoyable:

- do you physically feel delight (lightening up) in each others’ presence?

- do you pass the traffic test: if we were stuck in gridlock traffic, it’s still gonna be fun together?

- does the joy together persist even through suffering?

APPLY these 4 “If/Then algorithms to make sense of your friendships

1.

If you enjoy X’s company,

But X is unhealthy for you,

Then plan to back away:

- They are a timebomb,

not your friend.

2.

If you don’t enjoy X’s company,

And X is unhealthy for you,

Then plan to run away:

- They are a prison,

not your friend.

3.

If you don’t enjoy X’s company (yet),

But X is healthy for you,

Then plan to discover from them:

- They are a learning curve,

and you could be friends.

4.

If you enjoy X’s company,

And X is healthy for you,

Then plan to nurture + treasure them:

- They are a friend.

Your time + energy is limited. For long term returns,

Invest more in higher value friendships that are mutually healthy x enjoyable.

If you want strategising, training, coaching, facilitation help to sort out what's working/not working in your organisational culture, you can:

• Email us at [email protected]
• Fill in this enquiry form on our website here.
• Sign up for public training at:

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