17’ish Things I Miss the Most About the World

Sharing my latest perspective on the world as of August 2020 - subject to change by next week. In this piece, I focused on the things I miss, the things I don’t, and the things I love.  

THINGS I MISS THE MOST:

• When you could disagree with anyone about anything. Remember those days? It used to be limited to politics, COVID or race, but now I can’t even discuss my favorite ice cream flavor without a potential fight (cookie dough). There appears to be no middle ground. I’ve had seemingly safe dinner conversations with friends that ended badly (even during ice cream). Dare to disagree with someone in 2020?  Go ahead and try it.

• When lawns were for showing off your shrubbery vs. your opinions. Lawn signs have become the new social media. Why post things online when you can tell the whole neighborhood how you feel? Plus they’re a great way to distract people from noticing your neglected, dried out grass.
• When I could wear glasses without them fogging up under my mask (can’t see with them, can’t see without them). Another reason not to go to the supermarket. 
• When I wasn’t painfully aware of my bad breath. As a general rule, never eat cheese before wearing your mask.

When college kids could go to college. I’m quite certain college students love being home and doing virtual classes with their parents. After all, why pay $1 to drink Natural Light cans in your dorm room when you can have dad’s fancy IPA growlers for free? Access to your parent's liquor (+ hidden vapes) is unlimited, and of course Tuesday taco night with mom is wonderful. Extra bonus: Unlimited toilet paper. Negative: Potential of Fox news playing around the clock.

• When going to school was a thing. Enrolling young children in online classes is like buying a cheap pair of sunglasses at the beach... It works for a day or two, and then the lens pops off.
• Office chair massages. My wife never gives me one.
• Not being reprimanded for walking the "wrong way" down an empty supermarket aisle. That's where I draw the line (to the teenager who scolded me).
• Overpriced steak dinners with $250 bottles of wine on business trips. Yes those were the days :)
• When my dog wasn’t obsessed with my family. He can’t fathom us not being with him 24/7 and has lost all ability to interact with anyone outside of the house. At least, he’s equally rude to people of all colors, ethnicities, and backgrounds.
• When it was acceptable to have unruly hair and beards. This one goes way back to June of this year (and the 70’s of course). Neater appearances have become the norm again. Bummer. My mullet was just starting to come to form.

• When every marketing email I received didn’t start with “During these difficult times, we’re here to help…”. Hmmm, all of you?
• When germaphobes were only concerned with hand washing. Now I’m judged if my mask doesn’t cover my entire nose or if my estimate of 6 feet is off by a few inches (I’m only 5’7 so feel I should get a pass).
• When people didn’t use virtual Zoom backgrounds. Although already passe, some have only now discovered how to display themselves in space or on the Golden Gate Bridge. Note: if you insist on using a virtual background, remember to turn off the offensive one you used the night prior with your college buddies... your co-workers might not find it as amusing.
• When you can resign from your job with the excuse “I want to spend more time with family”. This reason is clearly no longer valid.

• August vacations. Do we still need to vacation with our family? Or do we all need some alone time? My prediction for 2021: solo trips to places with no people. Blissful.
• Sitting at the sushi bar. Mmm, my happy place.
• When the top news story was Prince Harry & Meghan quitting the royal family or that weird Peloton ad. How I yearn for trivial banter.

THINGS I DON’T MISS:

• Waking up before 8:47am.
• Kissing people hello.
• Fist bumps.
• Take your kids to work day.
• Take your kids to work day (oops, already said that).
• Being asked to take someone’s picture (sorry, you want me to touch your phone?)
• Holding the elevator door open (I’m still unclear if that’s considered rude).
• Going to the gym (that’s right, this one is on THIS list).
• Going to loud, cheesy, indoor bars (I still enjoy loud, cheesy outdoor bars).
• Anyone asking for a sip of my drink (conversely anyone insisting I try theirs).
• Sharing my calamari.
• Going to my wife’s college friends’ spouses birthday parties (also commonly known as GTMWCFSBP).
• Sitting in windowless conference rooms with names like Sedona.
• Having to small-talk with co-workers in the office bathroom. Now I pee in peace.
• Crowded anything. I really dig this permanent expansion of personal space.

FINALLY, THE THINGS I LOVE ABOUT THE WORLD:

• Outdoor seating (when it’s not 95 degrees out). I love the old, run down Irish pub in town that suddenly offers lovely exterior seating and live music. Class it up in the parking lot! Restaurant owners have used their imagination to create appealing sidewalk dining. Awkwardly colored, misshaped umbrellas, plastic or plexiglass dividers, stylish masks on wait staff who may or may not be beautiful (hard to tell). 

• Weather dependency. Related to the first item, as long as it doesn’t rain, our social options are growing. In my case, it’s a toss up between wanting my lawn to grow or sitting outside to eat. Also mosquitos are very happy this year.
• Cardboard cutout fans at MLB stadiums. Quieter and much less obnoxious.
• Cleanliness where it never existed before. i.e. NY subways, gyms, planes, rest stops (shouldn’t masks have always been required at rest stops?)

• Going to the beach with thousands of others. Because apparently nobody can get COVID at the beach (based on the images I see on the news).
• Dogs and people being equals. With all of us wearing masks, don’t think the irony is lost on our dogs... it’s the humans who are the ones needing muzzles now. 
• Housing prices. Unless you live in Portland or NY, you can sell your house for probably 25% more than what it's worth.
• What we buy. Top selling items include inflatable pools (which last a week), bikes, fences, designer masks, travel johns (gross), and of course dogs. What we don't. Dry cleaning, concert tickets, razors, and dress shoes.
• Being able to not attend a work meeting because “your wifi is down”.  Brilliant!
• The fact that the election is only 3 months away... the fun is yet to come.
• Wawa. I just love Wawa.

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Steve Strauss has been jabbing in the corporate world for 20+ years and is now a content and marketing consultant. He’s performed stand-up comedy hundreds of times at clubs and corporate functions including sales meetings and customer events. Research confirms his jokes make his fellow co-workers 47% happier.

You may or may not find his picture below if you look hard enough: