#17 How to Get Your Teenage Daughter to Talk?

I pick up my daughter from school and ask her how her day was. The answer is usually, “Fine.” It’s not easy to lead conversations with teenagers. But this doesn’t only apply to this age group or this situation—we’ve lost our muscle for conversation.

Not getting details and stories is “fine” when things are “fine,” but what we don’t know, we cannot address.

The Workplace Parallel

Imagine another situation: after a strategic presentation to the leadership board of the company, I ask my manager, “How was my presentation?” He answers, “Fine.” If I don’t get any more details, I will not have a clue which elements of my presentation helped achieve the desired impact, and what could be improved to make the impact even bigger and faster. Without feedback, I wouldn’t know what worked well or what the impact was.

What I’d love to hear is something like this:

Manager: “Your summaries highlighted in red really drew attention to the key message on your charts, and those fit together into a nice story that helped me understand exactly what you wanted!”

Small Talk Isn’t Always Enough

How many times do we ask each other, “How are you doing?” The answer is almost always, “Fine.” (Funny side note—I can’t stand giving such a short response. I feel compelled to comment on the weather, at a minimum!)

In these troubled times of wars, economic crises, drastic climate change, and pandemics, we should care more for each other and ask again: “How are you REALLY doing?” Then, we need to listen well to the answer.

Conversations During Major Changes

During major changes, only a few people openly share their doubts and questions. Most of us don’t want to stand out, look stupid, or risk losing face—so we just go with the flow. If the leaders of change ask if we understand the change, agree with it, or have any questions, we often just nod.

Why Are We So Reluctant to Open Up?

The reasons may vary for each person, but they likely fall into some common themes. Perhaps we’ve gotten used to the passive consumption of media in bite-sized chunks. Or we write and chat more in virtual environments than we actually talk. It takes effort to shape our words and thoughts. This means we have to face our feelings, emotions, doubts, and fears—essentially, we have to face ourselves.

What do you think? Let me know in the comments.

What Can We Do if We’re the Ones Asking?

We really want to know how our daughter is doing at school, what was good or bad in our presentation, how important people in our lives are really doing, or how the change we’re leading is impacting those around us. So, ask the right questions and listen.

Avoid Closed Questions

To clear the fog, let’s list some wrong questions:

? What did you have for lunch? – Fried chicken.

? Did you get any marks? – Yes.

? Was anyone absent? – Yes (John and Mary).

You don’t want to ask closed questions that can be answered with a simple yes, no, or one word—unless you plan to follow up and explore further.

Ask About Experiences Instead of Facts!

? What was the most exciting thing that happened to you today?

? What made you curious?

? What was the most frustrating situation you faced today?

Ask for Ratings or Assessments and Use Follow-Up Questions

? How was my presentation on a scale of 1 to 10 (10 being the best)?

? If the answer is less than 10, follow up with: “What would make it a 10?”

? If the answer is 10, ask: “What was the most important factor that made it a 10?”

Break Down the Experience Into Pieces

Instead of accepting a general response, break it down into smaller parts:

? How was your day? – Fine.

? How did the morning start? – Early.

? Why did you have to wake up early? – To pick up my friend on the way to school.

? How did that make you feel? – Useful.

? How did your friend react when you picked her up? – She was chatty, and we had a good laugh.

Share First (Show Vulnerability)

Sometimes, sharing your own experiences can open the door to deeper conversations. Share your day, your story, your experiences—whether good or bad. People tend to mirror behaviors and are more likely to trust you and open up if you’ve already shared.

Listen (I Mean Stay Silent and Wait!)

Some people need time to start speaking. Give them that time. Stay silent and let them gather their thoughts before jumping in.

Now, Go and Practice!

I’m sure there are many other ways to start conversations and get more details. If you have some tricks up your sleeve, please share them! Let’s learn from each other.