17 Days Sober, Introducing Luther, How to Get Fired from Your Therapist, Without Passion, We Die
"Passion. It lies in all of us. Sleeping... waiting... and though unwanted, unbidden, it will stir... open its jaws and howl. It speaks to us... guides us. Passion rules us all. And we obey. What other choice do we have? Passion is the source of our finest moments. The joy of love... the clarity of hatred... the ecstasy of grief. It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion, maybe we'd know some kind of peace. But we would be hollow. Empty rooms, shuttered and dank. Without passion, we'd be truly dead."
The sun is taking its time this morning; she must have had a long weekend; she’s slowly climbing the sky; her orange tinge is filling the sky, alerting us to the fact that the sun will soon rise, but not just yet. The time before the sun is akin to waking up and lying in bed, you just lay there, you are awake, your aura begins filling the room before you get up.
I’m sipping coffee; my ass is planted firmly in one of our four bean bag chairs at our mountain home. A fireplace is kicking out some welcome heat, and the fire is dancing like it’s a 1977 disco. This is my morning; this is my time to reflect on my life.
My Queen, my partner, my lover, my guide, and Sherpa are in bed. She’s awake, we wake up together, we usually laugh a little and then I get up to make coffee, and she snuggles in a little more, she gets 20 minutes of bonus bedtime, I think it might be her favorite time of the day.
I woke up at 3:00 a.m.; I was reminded I broke my back a couple of weeks ago. The pain was not bad, but it was there reminding me of my poor choices, my overconsumption, my dance with the demons. I’m lucky, a couple of Advil will quell the pain, I was back asleep quickly, my back said thank you, I didn’t speak to my back before the injury, now we are on a first-name basis.
My back’s name is Luther; it makes sense, that was my father's middle name, he asked me to call him Lou, he doesn’t seem to like the formality of Luther, so Lou it is. I’ll say this, Lou is a pretty tough guy, he protected me from a life in a wheelchair or worse, he’s not let me forget that fact since the accident, and I’ve bought him some backrub oils as a token of my thanks.
I forgot to take my Tylenol/Advil combination before bed. I only took one combo pack yesterday, and it held off the pain until this am. I’m down to four pills a day, two in the morning and two at night, I thank God every day for my fortune and ability to right my ship.
Speaking of righting my ship, I’m 17 days sober, I’ve signed up for online therapy, and I’m mentally on my way to a clear managed successful future. Any time I think about drinking, I remind myself I broke my fucking back, that seems to quell any want or need of the devil’s syrup.
I do have a funny story about my online therapy journey. I’ve done one on one therapy before, but for now, I thought, why not virtual. So, I signed up for better help, it’s on an online option that pairs a therapist with your specific needs.
I filled out the profile and got a young lady named Megan. Her initial request was that we work through text, typing our thoughts and ideas. I thought this was a bull shit way to do therapy and requested an online virtual session. But first I shared a recent blog, the one where I outlined my plan for sobriety and then to slowly reintroduce drinking back into my life. She said I was above her paygrade; she asked if I could find someone else.
Ha, I got fired from my therapist! I’ll see who’s next. I’m not saying I’m an easy case, far from it, I’m maybe an 8.657 on a ten scale, we will see who draws the lucky card to get into my mind and shuffle the deck of cards. I’m playing a lot of hearts lately, lots of love, joy, and happiness, but I think there might be some spades in my future. I’ve asked that the jokers be removed not to impact my game.
I often speak of making life changes, and that message might go in one ear or shall I say eye and out the other. But I am making a life change now; I was on a trajectory; I had an event and made a radical change in where I was heading. Making a major change in life is not easy; it’s hard, you have to reorder all the books on the shelf in your brain, but you know if you are living a good life and if you are not, change it.
I was living a good life, but one that was a little selfish. I think we all get a little selfish at times, putting ourselves over others is a natural thing to do, but trying at times to use a third-person perspective is very helpful. Look at yourself, look at your actions from another perspective and see how you might appear to others.
I am choosing to have a great day today; I’ll wrap up this little batch of soup and make my list for the day, the week, and start diving in getting busy on my “to do’s.” I’ll work with my Queen all day, a gift that I have been given, one that I do not take for granted.
If your life is not exactly what you want, make a change, hell make a radical change, and choose to be anyone you want to be. I woke up with clarity, a rather new state of mind for this flawed human. Clarity is good, although I miss the occasional cobweb. This is me for the foreseeable future; some will like some will tolerate, and some will show disdain, but this is my journey, and I’m high stepping until I can’t step anymore.
"Passion. It lies in all of us. Sleeping... waiting... and though unwanted, unbidden, it will stir... open its jaws and howl. It speaks to us... guides us. Passion rules us all. And we obey. What other choice do we have? Passion is the source of our finest moments. The joy of love... the clarity of hatred... the ecstasy of grief. It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion, maybe we'd know some kind of peace. But we would be hollow. Empty rooms, shuttered and dank. Without passion, we'd be truly dead."