The 17 Alienating Behaviors - part 1

In my previous blog post I described the 5 factor model for identifying if parental alienation may be at the root of troubling behaviors between a child/children and one parent. In today's blog I will share the 17 Alienating Behaviors of alienating parents. These are the typical behaviors of a parent (and the contributing stepparent) that should raise some BIG ALARM BELLS that something very wrong is taking place.

Here's the list:

1. Badmouthing
2. Limiting Contact
3. Interfering with Communication
4. Interfering with Symbolic Communication
5. Withdrawal of Love
6. Telling Child Targeted Parent Does Not Love Him or Her
7. Forcing Child to Choose
8. Creating the Impression that the Targeted Parent is Dangerous
9. Confiding in Child
10. Forcing Child to Reject Targeted Parent
11. Asking Child to Spy on Targeted Parent
12. Asking Child to Keep Secrets from Targeted Parent
13. Referring to Targeted Parent by First Name
14. Referring to a Stepparent as “Mom” or “Dad” and Encouraging Child to Do the Same
15. Withholding Medical, Academic, and Other Important Information from Targeted Parent/ Keeping Targeted Parent’s Name off of Medical, Academic, and Other Relevant Documents
16. Changing Child’s Name to Remove Association with Targeted Parent
17. Cultivating Dependency

Because a full paragraph on each of these would be a longer article/post than I am aiming for, I will highlight a couple and provide links to more detailed information.

Badmouthing is the first one and while not a great behavior for 1 parent toward the other parent; by itself, is not proof of alienating behavior. Let's face it: we complain about our spouses when we are married, and we're going to complain if we divorce. This behavior goes beyond simple complaining and will escalate to accusations of abuse or unsafe behavior (see below on communication).

Limiting contact is the sign I would encourage parents to watch for first. This generally begins with "the kids don't want to see you" and devolves from there. Often the alienating parent will hide behind the court orders. The court-ordered experts may be telling both parents to be encouraging of the child(ren)'s relationship with the other parent, but the alienating parent is pointing to the court order and saying "you only have a right to THIS time" or insisting that the "extra" time the rejected/targeted parent had the child(ren) for a family event now means they don't get their regularly-allotted visitation time.

• FACT: that behavior is NOT behavior that is healthy and if you see only this, you will want to get an attorney ASAP. This isn't just an argumentative ex-spouse. This is an alienator ramping up - and it gets worse from here.

In terms of the communication interference, I want to highlight our experience. The alienated child almost immediately BLOCKED the rejected/targeted parent - AND all the relatives on their side of the family on social media, cell phone/text and email. These are relatives the child had more than a decade of a close, loving family relationship with - all blocked and cut off while "new" aunts, uncles and step-grandparents have been inserted with full access.

In addition, the alienating parent - and the involved stepparents and grandparents - will pester the child incessantly when they are with the rejected/targeted parent. This makes it next to impossible for the child to ever disconnect from the psychological control that the alienators have over the child as they are "omnipresent" - even when the child(ren) is with their other parent. This sometimes also includes the offering of alternatives, such as a shopping trip or a trip to a concert, or amusement park on the day that the rejected/targeted parent had plans to take the child(ren) to a family reunion (see behavior #7 above).

If this is happening to you, document each and every instance. It may be a violation of the custody order and relevant when you return to court. Keep in mind that an extemporaneous memo, documented and dated, may be admissible as evidence.

I'll cover the withdrawal of love in a separate article dedicated to the psychological damage and control that alienators inflict on their children. Let's look next at the 2 related behaviors of telling the child that the rejected/targeted parent does not love them and that they are DANGEROUS.

This "dangerous" memo is not usually done over breakfast, or in a sit-down setting, but deployed insidiously in a manner where the child will not even realize what is happening. It often takes the form of the interrupting phone calls when the child(ren) is on visitation with the rejected/targeted parent that go something like this:

"Are you OK?" or "Do you feel safe?"

It portrays the alienating parent as the caring, concerned parent while suggesting, ever so subtly, that the other parent is DANGEROUS and uncaring. In my unprofessional (from a psychological perspective) opinion, this is one of the most damaging behaviors in this list (there are others, but this ranks at the top). It can take years of therapy to reverse that belief and restore the parent/child relationship that has been damaged - AND it's abusive to do this to a child's mind.

Confiding in the child is a complicated one, and it begins with some grooming behaviors, where the alienating parent begins to blur the line between parent and child, and "invites" or grooms the child into a more adult to adult relationship. I am not referring in this instance to sexual activity, but to behaviors such as talking with the child(ren) about adult decisions, including their input and opinion into these things, or using the child as the temporary partner and asking the child to sit in as the proxy partner in day to day life activities. Here's an example: inviting the child to watch adult (think violence and adult story lines, not sex) television shows or movies as the former partner once did. This "special" treatment is a BIG RED FLAG and a signal that things are about to go from bad to worse.

I'll complete this list of 17 alienating behaviors in part 2, but want to emphasize the importance of seeking legal counsel that is competent in parental alienation (don't take their word for it - ask for references!) and start documenting. Reminder that electronic communications are discoverable, but that doesn't mean you don't have to include examples of alienating behaviors in your notes. Take screen shots; save voice mail transcripts and emails. These will be much more important than your verbal complaint in a court setting.

Lastly - I want to point out that these behaviors are not normal reactions because of the divorce. They emerge due to an existing psychological disorder - usually a narcissistic or borderline personality disorder. Parents that alienate their children from the other parent are seriously mentally ill, and they - as well as the participating stepparents and step-extended family members - are psychologically and emotionally ABUSING their children.

It's IMPORTANT to understand that parental alienation is not some new thing, but is specific to established diagnoses of attachment pathology and personality disorder pathology. For more information on this see the work of Craig Childress, Psy.D and others.

Coming next: The 17 Alienating Behaviors - part 2