16 Lessons For Relationships In Business

This month, I celebrated 16 years of marriage to Carrie Kerpen, the love of my life, my best friend, and my business partner. We were married on July 8, 2006, at a minor?league baseball game in front of 5,000 fans in a sponsored promotion we called "Our Field of Dreams," and while etiquette?expert Peggy Post?criticized us in the NY Times, our wedding's enormous success also served as the inspiration for our first business, a social?marketing firm we sold last year.?

While every relationship has its share of ups and downs,?this?week, I've been reflecting on what has been unmistakably the best 16 years of my life, a pretty awesome marriage and business and some lessons learned along the way. While I initially thought about them in the context of marriage, I believe they're?valuable in all sorts of business relationships as well, and ultimately in both my personal life and my career. I know I apply a lot of them in my day to day experiences as an employer, mentor, business partner, coach and colleague. I hope you find them helpful!?

1) Listen first and never stop listening.?The most important skill I've developed?over our marriage is listening, sincerely, with the intent to understand, NOT with the intent to reply, or to persuade. It's helped me tremendously, not just in my marriage but in every single personal and professional relationship I've had.?

2) Walk in her shoes.?I think of validation and empathy as?Listening 501.?It's one thing to listen well- it's another to really walk in the other person's shoes, and totally take on her or his perspective. In an argument, when I'm able to successfully?do this, I nearly always soften up and it helps get to resolution quickly.?

3) Learn their love languages. Early on in the marriage, I would get my wife extravagant gifts, then get disappointed when she wasn't appreciative enough and angry when she would nag me to take out the garbage moments later. Then, when we studied Gary Chapman's?love languages,?everything changed. I realized I was getting her gifts because that was?my?love language, but it wasn't hers. Hers was acts of service. When I focused less on diamonds and more on taking out the garbage and straightening the kitchen everyday - she was a lot happier. (and I saved a lot of money!)?

4) There's no such thing as over-communication. Seriously, we tend to say something once and expect everyone to be paying so much attention to us that they'll listen and forever change based on that one utterance. But really, that's pretty silly, isn't it? I've learned that if something is important, it can be said a lot, and in many different ways - and if it takes a while to sink in, that's ok. We're in it for the long haul!?

5) Check in every day, especially when traveling. It takes only 20 seconds to text, "How's your day going?," and yet it's made a world of impact in strengthening our relationship - because this simple and quick act shows her I care and I'm thinking about her.?

6) Don't sweat the small stuff. I know, super cliche and you've heard it before, but sometimes things are cliche because they're true! And the reality is, life's too short to waste time arguing over stupid stuff. So the older I get, the more I practice letting go of that which isn't really that important to me in the long run.

7) Don't sweat the big stuff, either. This one's less cliche, but just as true. Dan Zadra said, "Worry is a misuse of the imagination." Even the big stuff - illness, "big" arguments, deaths, aren't worth fighting about or feeling anxiety over. Sure, I can be sad, or angry, or frustrated, but eventually, it's ideal to be able to let go of my negative feelings and enjoy life with a loving partner by my side.

8) Therapy isn't for the weak, it's for the strong.?Speaking of feelings (literally,) I have?seen four different therapists on and off over the course of the last 16 years - during various challenging times. And each time, it's helped me better understand and articulate my feelings and needs so that I can become a better husband, father, partner or friend. I?know there's still a stigma here for some (especially?men), but for me it's been powerful and super valuable.?

9) Take care of myself, first.?In order to be a good husband and father, I've got to love myself first - which means eating well, exercising, sleeping well, and "sinning" in moderation (we'll call this drinking and gambling for me, but this might be different for everyone). Each time I've had a challenge in my marriage or life, when I look deep enough, it's been a time when I wasn't taking care of myself as well as I could have been.?

10) Use "I statements," especially when arguing.?This was a game changer for me. "You" statements put the other person on the defensive and leave them angry and resentful, whereas "I" statements can't be argued with, as they're simply an expression of experience. For example, take:?"You don't respond to my emails anymore" vs "I feel sad when I don't get a response to an email I send" (Cue you all replying to this email if you're still reading....)?

11)?Say yes to adventures and experiences. I can't believe I didn't have sushi until I was 30 - now it's my favorite food. My wife and I have had some amazing experiences and adventures together! But going back, I wish I had said 'YES' to try more new things, to travel more, and to more crazy adventures, even when (and especially?when) they scared me. Going through unique adventures has bonded us even closer together with each passing year.?

12) Assume positive intent.?Sure, there's a "chance" she could be trying to hurt me. But if I really think about it, it's far more likely that she meant well and something went astray along the way. When I assume positive intent, I feel better anyway! This lesson has been particularly valuable in business too.?

13) Leave handwritten notes.?In our 16 years of marriage, communication channels?have changed a lot - we don't even have a home phone anymore, and we DM each other on Instagram more than anywhere else. But one thing that hasn't changed in 16 years is the power of a simple hand-written note to say "Thanks" or "I love you" or "I appreciate you."?

14) Give her time with friends, and take time with friends. As much as I love spending time with my wife, it's been important and valuable for us to each have our own hobbies and friends that we spend time with apart. When I come back from my annual 4 day entrepreneurial?retreat, I always come back missing her, and re-energized and recommitted!

15) Put the phone away.?16 years ago we didn't have smartphones, and now it seems we're all addicted to ours. But every time our phone is out, we're subtly telling the person or people we're with that they're less of a priority than the phone. I recently (finally) started putting my phone out of sight, and I'm delighted to remind my wife and children and colleagues that they're the priority.?

16) Live a life filled with gratitude?and wonder.?G.K. Chesterton said,?“I would maintain that thanks are the highest form of thought, and that gratitude is happiness doubled by wonder." Every single day, I can find things that annoy me, or ten times as many things that leave me feeling filled with gratitude and wonder. I choose the latter.?

To that end, Carrie Kerpen, THANK YOU for an amazing 16 years of marriage, and here's to the next 16. ILYSMAAF