15 Tips for Living and Enjoying a Happy Marriage or Relationship

The Little Things Matter.

"A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers." — Ruth Bell Graham

No one enters into marriage expecting to become another statistic. When you’re caught up in the excitement of getting married, it’s hard to imagine that you and your spouse might not live happily ever after.

But, let’s face it, sharing your life with another person is a big challenge, especially if you don’t have a lot of experience with relationships. Marriage takes a lot of work, commitment, love, respect, and honor to truly be happy and successful.

A marriage based on love and respect doesn't just happen, but the good news is that there are many things we can do to enhance our success in marriage. Happiness in marriage is about learning to value and respect each other daily. It's about loving and respecting each other for free, with no expectation of anything in return.

Maybe you're thinking loving someone for free isn't possible. I understand why you would think that. Let me ask you a question. What does a newborn baby have to do to be loved?

The answer: Nothing at All!

My beautiful wife and I will have been married 47 years later this year. Trust me when I tell you that the little things matter. When the little things are done well and done regularly, they lead to success in marriage. Here are a few of those little things.

Keep your commitments.

It doesn't matter whether you promised to take out the trash, pick up the dry cleaning, or be home by 7:00 p.m., Do it! Keeping your word and following through on your promises and commitments is vital. Keeping your commitments reinforces the TRUST that your spouse has in you.

Not keeping your word tells your spouse what's important to them is not essential to you, whether true or not. It causes your spouse to feel unloved, disrespected, and like they're not worth the effort.

This is definitely not the statement you want to make.

Leave the past alone.

Bringing up and discussing mistakes from the past only serves to reopen old wounds. Leave the past in the past. Leaving the past behind and dropping who or what hurt you isn't easy; I get that.

Moving forward and leaving the past behind takes a lot of effort, time, patience, and self-respect. It's a twisted concept to think that sometimes, the people we love and respect the most are also the ones who are capable of hurting us.

Closure is necessary but not always something we're willing to hand out. Some of us can push past who or what hurt us, while others let it slowly eat at them until it becomes a raging fire.

Accept what happened for what it was and force your mind and heart to focus on moving foward, and yes, I realize that's a lot easier said than done.

However, leaving the past in the past is undeniably one of the most significant choices you'll ever make for yourself, your spouse, and, more importantly, your marriage.

Stop interrupting your spouse.

When you disagree with something your spouse says, you don't have to share your input immediately. This makes your partner feel unheard, misunderstood, and disrespected.

This behavior elevates a minor argument between you into a full-blown, difficult-to-overcome rift. This behavior becomes how you block your partner from sharing their feelings; take a deep breath, listen to understand, and hear until your partner is finished.

Let me repeat this: rather than listening to respond, truly listen to understand what they're saying, where they're coming from, and how they feel. Listen for the emotion attached to the feeling.

Be Grateful for your spouse.

Keep a diary and list the things about your spouse that make you feel grateful to have them in your life. (I strongly encourage you to complete this little exercise.) Maybe it's their smile, how they make you laugh, or how strong they are in life's difficult moments

The act of looking for and finding positive traits in your spouse will change your attitude and theirs.

Be outspoken in front of your children regarding your gratitude toward them. Take the time to deliberately tell your kids about ALL the great things your spouse does for the family.

Cultivating gratitude in your children for their parents resonates throughout the entire family and has lasting effects even into adulthood.

Do fun stuff together.

As often as possible, spend time together doing things you both enjoy. Sharing enjoyable times is a great way to become closer.

Sit down and make a list of all the activities you both love to do. Get excited about creating opportunities for some new adventures together.

A rewarding relationship is filled with experiences that create beautiful memories, bring you closer together, and make you laugh. Intentionally include opportunities to verbally and nonverbally say, "I love you."

Stop keeping score.

Everyone has their ups and downs. Things are never exactly 50–50, but things have a way of evening out over time. Keeping score turns everything into a competition with rules and boundaries, winners and losers.

It's not about winning and losing. It's about learning to work together. Rather than a home filled with prideful scorekeeping, you want one filled with grace and love.

That kind of home begins with putting down the scoreboard and giving each other your all. From what I've seen in marriages that practice this, some of them much older than mine, it will be worth it.

Forgive the small stuff?

Petty disagreements often cause divorce. If you agree on the big stuff, the little stuff is merely a distraction. Life is too short to walk around angry or frustrated, especially when they don't even know what they did.

Holding a grudge is detrimental to your personal and relational well-being, so the faster you learn to forgive the small stuff, the better off you'll be. It won't be easy at first, but as you work at it, you'll be surprised at how much calmer and stress-free life can be.

Forgive the big stuff, too.

Forgiveness is a strength; it shows you're capable of grace toward your spouse. Studies indicate that forgiving someone is how you let go of things so that YOU can heal personally and move on with your life.

It's important to understand that forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself. Forgiving yourself and others is about acknowledging that you can be wounded. It also means you're willing to step away from the role of the victim and take charge of your life.

Couples who practice forgiveness rid themselves of their past's toxic hurt and shame, keeping them from feeling connected.

This is a big and important one because Forgiveness will change your life, not to mention your marriage!

Give your partner some privacy.

Stop snooping unnecessarily. Stay out of your partner's phone and social media accounts and give them the space they require to be individuals.

When your partner says they need some space, don't panic and think you've done something wrong — the truth is, a little bit of space is very healthy in a relationship.

Sometimes, you can spend too much time together, or maybe you miss your friends or do not feel like yourself — a tiny space and some YOU time can help reset that balance.

So when your spouse says they need some time or breathing room, stay calm, trust their instincts, and do your best to make it happen. Because when you get this right, giving them some space can make your relationship more vital than ever.

Have a planned date night.

At least twice a month, leave the house and go on a REAL date. Take turns making plans and surprising each other.

Having a regular date night is one of the simplest and best ways to keep your relationship strong. Committing to a weekly date night with your spouse helps you become closer and more connected.

I'm sure you know at least one couple who swears by their weekly date nights to keep their relationship strong. Once you have the right tools, you and your spouse can use them to keep the fire burning brightly in your relationship.

Be respectful in public.

Ridiculing or insulting your spouse is never acceptable, but it's far more damaging when done in front of others. If you feel you must be negative, wait until you get home.

There will always be things your spouse does that you don't like that frustrate you or even hurt you. Never air that dirty laundry in front of your friends, family, or social media.

Speak positively of your spouse in public. Even better is when your spouse hears you doing this; it validates how much you respect them and makes your positive words authentic, purposeful, and meaningful.

Ask yourself often, how can I strengthen our relationship?

Yes, it's challenging to change someone else. No, it's actually impossible to change someone else. However, the good news is that you can change yourself.

"What can I do to strengthen our relationship?" It's seemingly a straightforward and deceptively simple question, but it's a complex one that can lead to significant and fascinating discussions and discoveries.

Not only does it wind up being a gigantic vote of confidence and positivity for your relationship, but it's also a great conversation starter and a fabulous way to understand how your partner wants and needs to be loved.

Be more concerned about what YOU can do to strengthen your relationship and less about what they can do.

Focus on the positive.

More and more relationship experts say that divorce results from a decrease in positive events than an increase in adverse circumstances. In other words, you stop focusing on what's positive about your spouse and become overly focused on the negative.

Humans are an intrinsically social species. Your happiness and success largely depend on the relationships you build. When building relationships, you only have two distinct choices to make:

• Build positive, meaningful, healthy, and productive relationships.
• Or create negative, empty, toxic, and destructive ones.

Knowing how to maximize the positives and minimize the negatives is vital to living a happy and satisfying life and marriage.

CELEBRATE the positives. Celebrate the big stuff and the little stuff. Look for opportunities to celebrate your spouse as often as possible.

Five compliments for every criticism you give?

Social scientists believe you must provide five compliments to undo the damage done by just one complaint.

In John Gottman's analysis of married couples, the likelihood of getting divorced versus staying married was affected the most by the ratio of favorable to negative comments the partners made to each other.

The optimal ratio was five positive comments for every negative one. For the divorced couples, their ratio was a sad 0.77 to 1. In other words, more negativity than positivity.

Not a formula for success in marriage or relationships.

Your spouse isn't responsible for your happiness.

Happy relationships start with two happy individuals. And even though happiness increases when you share it, your partner is NOT responsible for YOUR satisfaction.

Linda and Charlie Bloom, Marriage Therapists, say, "When you take personal responsibility for healing the unloved places within yourself, true healing and happiness begin." Your spouse's love ignites the spark of self-love you buried deep in your heart.

It allows you to recognize, feed, and nurture that self-love until it becomes a roaring flame that ultimately burns away the shame, insecurity, anger, and pain that has been the source of your unhappiness.

You are the only person who can please you in the long run. At first, that sounds a little scary, but it's very liberating. No one but you can make you happy.

Start investing in yourself instead of trying to fix your partner or your relationship. Do things that make you feel alive and work hard on your self-confidence, self-talk, and self-esteem.

In Conclusion

Happiness in marriage is a result of valuing and respecting yourself as well as each other every day. It's about loving each other for free, with no expectation of anything in return.

Making your marriage a priority is how you make it work. Give your marriage, your spouse, and yourself the attention they deserve.

Doing the "little things" keeps your marriage healthy and happy. Your relationship should prove to the people around you that strong, comfortable, and stable relationships that last a lifetime DO exist.