[No. 14] We apologize for difficulties caused by our fundamental lack of understanding of ourselves. Sincerely, The Management

95% of us say we’re self-aware. But in reality, only 15% of us are. (Tasha Eurich – link in the comments.)?

Too often we’re focusing on wholly the wrong things (hybrid vs. remote vs. onsite; leadership; toxicity; entitlement; performance management; insufficient revenue numbers; who does more household chores) and having the wrong conversations at the wrong level. We’re trying to address surface problems without addressing the cause. We rationalize, “This is work, we shouldn’t have to help people [or ourselves] with emotions.”?

We create programs and install new software solutions, fully expecting people to magically comply and to feel good while doing it. And then we’re disappointed, even stymied, when people won’t just do what they’re told. After all, you complained that you weren’t getting information, but at the same time you won’t use the shiny new thing we implemented to read the information – “That’s a You Problem, not a Me Problem.”?

Or even worse, “When I gave it to you, it was perfect. It’s not My Problem you f*cked it up or aren’t smart enough to use it properly.”?

It’s so easy to point fingers and question people’s motivations (“He doesn’t care as much as he should,” “They don’t love me,” “She’s selfish”) rather than consider what seems the scary, murky, land of humanity.?

And it’s a heck of a lot easier, in the short-term, to doggedly insist that we’re right and resist challenging ourselves to participate in the team sport of life.?

I believe that we are earnestly trying to understand the problem by labeling it so that we can take action and solve the presenting problem. We're trying to find ways that will light people up to join us, to “buy-in,” and help us solve the problem, whatever it is; to be accountable for their own reality.?We are trying to do the right thing.

Dave Cairns posited that The Problem is an anthropological one the other day (link in the comments) - and I wanted to reach up and all the way to the right across all of North America and high-five him, hug him, get up in his face and yell, "LET'S GOOOOOOO!"?

Is our problem an anthropological one? YES.?

Let's start with a simple definition:?

Anthropology is the scientific study of humanity, concerned with?human behavior, human biology, cultures, societies, and linguistics, in both the present and past, including archaic humans.?

If we viewed The Problem this way, there could be a much clearer path of action, on a large scale.?

If we were all educated on the tenets of anthropology from an early age we would better understand the mysterious sources of resistance we all feel, the defenses we throw up when our belief systems are challenged, our propensity to blame others for our realities, our dysfunctional contribution to our situations.?And how our action or in-action contributes to the health or disease of the society in which we exist.

We would choose our partners more effectively, understanding the dynamics between humans more fully and richly. Instead of taking personality tests that result in highlighting our differences (strengthening our belief that we're right and there's too much distance between us), we would generously understand that relationships are a complex fabric.

We would understand that prioritizing care for the relationship over our distorted views of individual needs is each of our imperative, our responsibility, to our families and to humanity. ??

We would finally break the generational cycles that cause so much difficulty for our children when they become adults. We would ensure (or least create the highest likelihood) that they enter the world at large confident in who they are and able to more effectively and accountably navigate their lives and relationships.?

Our lives would feel less lonely. We would be deeply connected to one another. When things were difficult, we would know that there are people walking beside us and others who have our backs.?

We would not suffer diminishment and marginalization. People would not be made to feel small.?

We would treasure, cherish, protect, and nurture humanity – everyone’s experience of humanity. Multiplying the effect and creating ripples as we go.?

It starts with one person (I’m looking at you) having the courage to let down their defenses.

?? To understand and release your need to be right. To remember that the person you’re complaining about or criticizing or arguing with is just another human doing their best with what they have – probably operating from a relentless and persistent defensive position.?

?? To shift your focus from all that’s less-good to how much more is beautiful, good, energy-giving, peace-providing, and hopeful.?

?? Start inside your own head, marveling at your surroundings. See the things, big and small, whose absence would profoundly change your existence. Electricity, water, painted walls, silverware, flowers, cars – pick anything, it doesn’t matter, just pick and notice.?

?? When someone does something nice, say thank you. Even it’s “their job” to bring you water at lunch, to fix your flat tire in exchange for money, to run your groceries over the scanner.

?? When someone is just being, make eye contact and smile. It feels vulnerable, but you’ll be okay. You'll be better than okay. Because you'll be engaging in the team sport of life.