The 1+4 Rule for Productive Discussions

You don’t need a sledgehammer to fix a leaky faucet. A tape measure won’t do the job either.

It’s the same when it comes to solving problems and making decisions with others. Being pushy or defensive like a sledgehammer never helps. And remaining quiet and passive, continuously measuring up others and the topic, just won’t do.

Do you ever find yourself powering up or shutting down in discussions? You’ve likely realized that defending your stance or letting the loudest voices prevail leads to tension and sub-optimal outcomes.

If you want to demonstrate stronger leadership…leadership that doesn’t push others away… leadership that doesn’t shrink in discussions…leadership that adds value to every discussion, remember 1 + 4.

The 1 represents the?one attitude?essential for creating engagement and commitment:

Be helpful more than heard.?

Rather than ensure their voice is heard, great leaders thoughtfully choose to help others move forward in problem-solving and decision-making. This means great leaders follow?Covey’s?Habit 5: Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood.?

It’s a mindset to serve.?

Once that mindset is in place, the 4 best strategies to employ in a discussion are:

1. Offer Insights.?This is the fuel for discussion and can come in the form of data, observations, subject-matter expertise, or references. It resists interpretation or opinion for as long as it can, leaving possibilities open and minimizing blame, defensiveness, and argument.?
2. Provide Options.?Options open more possibilities. They also keep discussion broad and inclusive. Narrowing too quickly to a proposal or opinion forces others to defend and decide. Great leaders lay options on the table and include possible benefits and trade-offs of each. This prompts others to thoughtfully consider their own perspective rather than emotionally clinging to their party platform.
3. Ask Questions.?Sounds simple but it’s an art to ask non-leading, non-opinion, non-binary questions that provoke broader thinking. “How can we make this happen?” “What ideas do you have?” “What’s most important here?” These kinds of questions open others up to discussion rather than pushing them into defending or arguing.?
4. Make Summaries.?The best discussion leaders periodically conflate all the points and perspectives into a clear, concise, crystalized statement. “So I’ve heard us say that our most important actions are…” “It sounds like we have consensus around…” “Ok, there seem to be three main lines of thought emerging from this discussion. They are…” Summaries like these show people that you’re listening, help people locate themselves in the discussion, and provide a step closer to resolution. They also avoid argument and defense because they simply mirror back what’s been said.

These four strategies can be beautifully combined. For example, you might offer an insight, provide a few options, then ask a thoughtful question to generate dialogue. That said, there’s no order to these strategies, and they can (and should) be used repeatedly when appropriate.?

Think of them as tools in your tool belt. When others are stuck or when you see the right opportunity, pull out the appropriate tool. And keep in mind that they aren’t the only tools to be used in a discussion.

Sledgehammers are useful in certain situations requiring strong force to make a point or drive change. Tape measures are needed in certain situations requiring planning, evaluation, and diagnosis.?

But to have a productive discussion, maximize the use of tools that will minimize defensiveness, argument, blame, and division.?

Remember 1 + 4.

When is your next productive discussion??

Patterns are Inevitable. Growth is Optional. Check out my award-winning book Four Patterns of Healthy People to become more aware of the healthy and unhealthy patterns in your thoughts, relationships, ego, and daily operations.

Analyze Your Opportunities for Growth.?Join other leaders and discover how well you are leveraging your strengths and opportunities. It’s a free tool for your self-awareness. Just click here.

About the Author. Matt Norman coaches and advises executives on how to build great people and culture. He is President & CEO of Norman & Associates, which offers custom coaching and consulting in the areas of talent strategy, personal effectiveness, planning, and goal alignment. Norman & Associates also provides Dale Carnegie cohort-style action learning programs to help people improve how they communicate, lead, influence, and work together.

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