14 Restaurants in 12 Hours. How We Ate Through San Francisco

We have all heard the expression, “Breakfast of Champions”. Well, three soldiers of stamina and I braved the San Franciscan heat and embarked on a gargantuan restaurant and bar crawl across the sprawling streets of Frisco. Armed with 3 iPhone’s and 2 Jumpers we left our brains at home to make room for as much food and drink as possible. Why? Because we were on a mission to hit 14 Food & Beverage establishments in 12 hours. We intended to crush the breakfast of champions!

What the flippin flipper? You must be saying to yourself. That’s right, you weren’t hallucinating, you read right, 14 spots in 12 hours. Animals must be one thought that also crossed your mind.

It was a pure coincidence that our epicurean journey started in San Francisco’s Dog Patch district on 3rd Street. The area has steadily grown into an up and coming neighborhood, previously adorned by projects, which are still not that far away. The sun was bright, and my friend and I (will call him the Confused Egyptian) were stoked. Our Uber dropped us off not far from the entrance of our first lieu of order, the unforgettable SmokeStack at the Magnolia Brewing Company. What a start it was. Greeted by a cubanesque looking bartender we promptly ordered two of its signature cocktails, Dutchman’s Flat and the Islais Lady. Albeit both memorable (so much so that I took my daughter and wife back a few days later), the Dutchman with its toasted nori transported our palates to another stratosphere. Our bartender was quick to suggest we try the smoked pastrami with the homemade mustard sauce. Devine doesn’t begin to describe the dish. It was blissful. The Confused Egyptian and I didn’t have to wait for drunken stupor to begin engaging in conversation with our fellow patrons. We met two lovely ladies who had just come from the SOMA Street Food Park (highly recommended by the way) and began discussing the meaning of life through food, as one does of course.

My culinary companion was quick to point out that our time at Smokehouse had come to an end, and thus, Uber once again came to the rescue and whisked us off to 974 Valencia Street for our next port of call, Lolo’s. What a dreamy place, filled and adorned with the coolest insignia and nick nacks, place was just magical. My comrade at arms found us two seats at the bar that were significantly lower than standard, giving us a great view into the bar that has been rated as one of the best in the city. Without haste we signaled our craftsmen who delivered us two exquisite signature cocktails, the Lorenita and the Heat Wave, both flavor filled beverages infused with mescal and cana brava rum. BAM! We were on a role, 4 amazing drinks in less than an hour! Sat next to us, were two fellow foodies, a wonderful couple from down south whom were kind enough to share the best finger food dish we have both had in a long time. Panko and spice-dusted shrimps, topped with a tropical relish and spicy aioli on a jicama tortilla. It was freakin awesome, as the confused Egyptian would say. After exchanging contact details with our new friends, we paid our bill and hurried off to stop number 3. This time we walked. We needed to start burning as we started buzzing.

As we arrived into iChino on 16th Street, another Mission marvel, couldn’t help to fall in love with china town meets Andy Warhol design. We were quickly greeted by a loud band of brothers visiting from San Jose who had clearly had a full meal, with a few beverages to go with it. Our bartender Dany, the only one I will mention because he topped the list in terms of preparing the very best drink, it wasn’t on the menu peeps. All I can say is, ask for the carrot. What a wonderful composition of texture. We later learnt that Dany is considered one of the bright young stars of the city. An absolute must try.

We thought we would continue our balancing act between gluttony and health by walking to our next stop, a whole 10 meters away. The entrance of ABV is inconspicuous in comparison to its reputation among food and beverage professionals who haunt it after work due to its late opening hours. But late hours isn’t the backbone of this little jewel, it’s the bartenders. The first female ones on our journey and oh boy are they good. They float behind the bar as if on an air current and skillfully compose drinks as if it were second nature. What was the result? A celery gin and a quick sand. Both spectacular drinks setting our taste buds on fire. I believe the euphoria of what we were doing really kicked off at ABV, probably because The Destroyer (Real name protected) finally joined the party. Our delightful bartender obliged rather promptly in preparing us 3 Mumbai mules.

Ok, we got caught up in the moment of hugs and kisses as well as a deep discussion with a man who wished to give us the keys to success in return for a buck fifty. Upwards and onwards, we had work to do.

We once again had to use a mechanical vehicle to get us to Kin Khao, a small restaurant located at the Hilton. Voted one of the 50 best restaurants in America, we were ready to eat. What a feast it was. Deliciously prepared food, probably some of the best I ever had. I won’t get into the specifics, but go there, go there now!

Our next stop took us up to the Presidio, formerly an important navy base and home to the Walt Disney Museum to introduce our mouths, stomachs and hearts to Arguello. A beautiful restaurant over looking the bay, with Alcatraz in the background, perhaps a reminder of where the three of us could end up if we didn’t behave. As our journey dictated so far, the drinks were again exquisite. We also had the rolled chicken taquitos, tomatillo-avocado salsa which complimented our beverages perfectly. Arguello also set the stage for new recruits. Through banter and laughter we got acquainted with the table next to us of which Chanel (Real name protected) was a part of. A delightful lady from Russian Hill with an obsession for bags and a wit for real estate investments but more so bourbon. Her friends mentioned on several occasions that no one knew bourbon better than her. That was good enough for us, so she joined our brand of food crazy and off we were to the Interval.

The interval is relatively new on the bar scene but that doesn’t take away from its beautiful design that enhances its cultural message being part of a larger foundation. The bar is a stones throw from Arguello in the marina and a neighbor to the famous Greens restaurant. After some sophistimication in admiring the beautifully exposed ornaments and books we proceeded to order their signature cocktails. Again, we were not disappointed. The drinks were fabulously prepared and delicious. It is a must.

Time is ticking and by that point we were close to 9.45pm, we had to get moving as we had one more joint to hit before dinner. Whizzing through the city, we made it just in time to the Devil’s Acre, where we were carded for the first time. I guess our faces had started to ripen. Enter we did, to a bustling bar designed for a bygone era. The Destroyer pushed through the crowd to get us 4 signature cocktails. I must say, they were probably my personal least favorite, but the atmosphere made up for the drinks. Luckily we didn’t have to be there too long. Another marathon of a walk took us to Tosca Café 5 meters away.

What a spectacular place. A dive bar founded in 1919 has become one of the United States best restaurants. The murals and booths are beautiful. The atmosphere is elegant yet bohemian. The food, as my brother would say, is grand. Actually, it is more than grand, it is legendary. The four of us sat at the back of the restaurant with full view of all patrons, but more importantly all the activity of the open kitchen that was to our left. The service was exquisite. We allowed our waitress to order on our behalf, what came out, was a symphony of dishes that ranged in intensity and style but all of which excelled in taste. Our sense of awe had us ordering more drinks then the game plan permitted and as thus reality began to fade into obscurity.

We barely managed to obtain our bill, the confused Egyptian at that point realized he had left his Amex at Kin Khao, to resounding laughter of the group. Yes, we broke his balls all the way to our next two locations, Trou Normand and Dirty Habit. Alas, both were closed by the time we made it. We had lost track of time eating through Tosca.

At that point, mutiny struck. Lead by the Destroyer, the group vetoed going to Cockscomb and Hardwater the last two venues on our list and head straight to Mighty, the appropriately named nightclub to end our culinary escapade through San Francisco. Mighty we were! We were generously hosted by a legendary DJ and Producer who led us back stage for a round of tequila shots. Rather then fueling our desire to party into the wee hours of the morning, the 12 cocktails caught up with most of us leaving the Destroyer to carry the flag into oblivion. Mighty we were no longer.

With a slight detour through Russian Hill and Berkeley Hills, and a few stops along grizzly peak to take pictures of the city we had just conquered, my Uber finally made it to my final resting place. I opened the garage, bumped into my mother in law to which I murmured a badly pronounced, “I’m alright”. Proceeded to my bed on to which I collapsed with one word in mind, Shots! Our 12 hour journey had come to an end and with it one of the most memorable days of my culinary life.