[No. 13] We apologize for any inconvenience caused by brains wired to see threats first. Sincerely, The Management

Most of us long for lives that feel … sane. Where things would go the way we planned and hoped more often than things would go sideways on us.

It’s frustrating that our hard-wired human operating systems are built to “protect” us by first seeing threats – and then overriding our ability to reflect, consider, think, and question if we’re truly being threatened.?

This practically autonomous built-in mechanism is often the very thing that steals our ability to experience pure accountability. To feel in control of ourselves and the outcomes we desire. To feel confident about our place in the world. To live in a predictable world.?

It shows up everywhere.

• At work, it sounds like: “My manager makes it impossible for us to succeed.” “Why are these employees so entitled?”?
• At school, it sounds like: “That test wasn’t fair.”
• In life, it sounds like: “Why doesn’t my mom care about me?” “I deserve to be happy.” “I don’t deserve to be treated this way.”?
• At play, it sounds like: “They did that on purpose!”?

We didn’t like the way we felt in a situation (disabled, diminished, marginalized, challenged, unheard, unseen, unsafe, like a failure) – and our brains stepped in to protect us.?

It’s in that moment, that barely noticeable moment, when our sanity will take leave, we will “lose our minds.”?

Pause and read that last sentence again. Especially the, “lose our minds” part. We’ve all heard it, we’ve all used it. What are we referring to, what are we describing when we use that phrase??

When we say someone has “lost their mind” we see a person getting [irrationally] angry, sad, even joyful or ecstatic. They’ve “come off the rails.”?

We’re saying that their rationality (their mind) has been taken over by their emotions.?

In that moment we’re standing on the edge of an uncontained centrifuge beckoning us into its vortex of crazy. It would feel so good sometimes to just lose it. To rant. To blame. To release all the pent-up and unprocessed emotions.

Of course that comes with a price tag. We might get flung violently out of the centrifuge. Or we might experience the silent “icing out” of important social circles – relationships we need at work and in life. We also might end up posted on social media, labeled and laughed at.?

Through the ages of humanity, we’ve created all sorts of constructs to control this most basic of operating systems – mostly fear-based. Don’t do this, that, or the other (murder, covet thy neighbor, be “mean”) under threat of punishment, being expelled from the team, or [gasp!] spending eternity burning in H-E-double-hockey-sticks.?

These constructs have tried to teach [really tell] us to do the “right thing,” the “good thing.” Turn the other cheek. Be nice to other people. Respect your elders and superiors.?

But they’ve never taught us why those things might be difficult to do, the effects those “acceptable behaviors” would have on our insides. They’ve just demanded that we do them – ignoring what’s going on inside us.?

Et voilá! The perfect recipe for pent-up, repressed, unprocessed emotions … which results in some form of “losing our mind,” or of emotionally switching off and shutting down.?

So, in that moment, that barely noticeable moment, we need to interrupt the system. We need a mechanism or a mantra that will grab the back of our shirt and pull us back from the edge.?

Here are a few short-term suggestions:

KNOWLEDGE: Remember that by and large, humans want a life of peace. If it appears that people around you are hell-bent on creating chaos – the source of that is uncertainty and fear, not inborn evil or jackassery.

INTERRUPT: Find a phrase that you can say to yourself, a safe word, that will pull you back from the edge. One of my favorites: “not my circus, not my monkeys.” (Except that it can lack some compassion – but it makes me laugh, and my first priority is to change my emotional state.)

INTERRUPT: When you feel that first shot of adrenaline and cortisol, the physical signs that your brain has detected a threat – physical or emotional, doesn’t matter, our bodies do the same thing – start counting, or singing a soft rock song from the 70s (thanks to Modern Family for that one, link in the comments if you don’t know what I’m talking about), bring to mind the most peaceful place you’ve experienced.?

REPLACE: Start implementing gratitude. Intentionally notice every day any big or small or medium things that you are blessed with and grateful for. (Electricity and conveniences, your health, someone who did something nice for you, a happy experience, hot or cold weather…) Try expressing gratitude to others – send a quick thank you text, or a hand-written letter, or an email – or even TELLING someone thank you. We notice what we focus on. Whatever we feed grows stronger. Blah, blah, blah – all the other quotes that try to remind us of this. And, in all seriousness, we know it’s true.?

And some longer-term suggestions:

We’ve each got a mountain’s or at least a hill’s worth of patterning to re-do. Start doing the work, alone or with help, just start doing the work.?

• What beliefs are you choosing to hold on to that are preventing you from getting the results, the life you desire??
• When are you choosing to hold on to a need to be right – but it’s preventing you from getting the results, the life you desire??
• What are the things that seem to trigger you, no matter how “in your right mind you are?” Start exploring those. Find the source, the genesis when your brain learned to be on high alert to protect you from those bad feelings – and process it.?
• Forgive the people, living or dead, present or not, who you believe committed some transgression against you.?
• Find your way to the understanding, the knowledge, the wisdom that other people and circumstances cannot make you feel anything. You decide how you feel. “My mom always tries to make me feel guilty.” You wouldn’t feel guilty if you didn’t believe somewhere inside of you that you should feel guilty.?

The lives we all long for, lives of peace, achievement, reduced stress, with caring relationships and safety – those lives start with our ability to choose. To have a different framework, an informed and conscious framework.?

It’s a balancing act, of course. There are lines that can be crossed. Lines of betrayal. Lines you put in place to decide what you’ll tolerate in your life and what you won’t. We all need to know the difference between healthy and unhealthy selfishness. We’re all works in progress. We all decide and judge alone at the literal and figurative end of our days if we’ve lived the way we wanted to.

If you’re looking for help, mentorship, coaching to find, learn, and implement strategies to get results and the life you desire – I’m here to help! A few conversations and some homework on your part can move you from “why does it feel so hard?” to “I have plan and I'm making progress!”

?If your team is burning out, a few hours focusing on their shared human operating system can do wonders. It’s at the heart of becoming a high-performing team, and another place I can help.