13 Networking Tips To Avoid Being The Awkward PhD In The Room

Networking is not easy. 

I used to think that networking meant showing up to seminars and telling the speaker, Good job! 

Or going to a conference, shaking hands, and collecting business cards. 

Without realizing it at the time, I had some ridiculous subconscious beliefs about networking.

I basically thought that someone I met would discover me – that they would just hand me the job that I deserved for being so impressive and smart...

I thought that if I took the time to email someone I met at a networking event, they would be wildly impressed. 

I’d click “send” and think: The ball’s in their court now – I did everything I could. 

I was perpetually ready to take.

I had no clue how to give – how to add value.

Networking is a skill. Like all skills, it will become dull if you stop honing it. 

All PhDs need to practice connecting with other people – particularly with non-PhDs and non-scientists. 

This is especially true in light of how academia is shrinking. Meanwhile, the rest of the economy is being deindustrialized. 

As a result, interpersonal skills are extremely valuable. 

Numerous surveys and studies indicate that interpersonal skills matter more than technical skills – no matter the profession.

If you are a PhD or a scientist, the best way to advance your career is to grow your network. 

And the best way to grow your network is by learning how to build strong relationships quickly. This means understanding the psychology behind creating an instant, lasting connection. 

Here are 13 psychological tips that PhDs and scientists should keep in mind when networking...

1. Nothing is free – give value to get value in return.

Connecting with other people is not altruistic – nor is it automatic. 

No one will go out of their way to advance your career out of the goodness of their heart. 

Never. 

They need a reason. 

Of course, this doesn’t mean that people won’t be nice to you or do small things for you. 

It just means that they are too busy trying to advance their own careers and interests to be overly concerned with yours.

The only way to get major value from others is to offer major value back. 

The good news is that this value comes in many forms

2. Give this kind of praise (not the weird kind).

One of the strongest desires that every human being has is this: 

They want to be appreciated. 

Pretty simple, right? If you want to create a connection with someone but you don’t have anything to offer, what can you give them?

You can give them kindness. Not sappy or insincere kindness – professional kindness.

Tell people what you like about their work, their company, or their industry. 

Don’t “kiss up.” Give respect. The best way to do this is by stating things with a matter-of-fact tone.

For example, don’t say:

I’m so impressed with you. You’re amazing. 

Instead, say: 

I like your work because it’s clear and creative.

Be real and be nice, but not cheesy.

3. Use the word “because” if you make a request.

Everyone needs a reason to act.

Everyone needs a motive. 

If you ask someone for a favor without giving them a reason why, don’t expect them to do it.

Studies show that just adding the word “because” after a request increases the chance that the other person will comply – by a huge margin of 33%.

Always give a “because” – especially when asking for something by email. 

The impersonal nature of an email is already creating distance between you and the other person.

Reign it in a little by adding a “because.”

4. Ignore authority or you will be seen as inferior.

To build a strong relationship, you will need to show respect without showing reverence. 

Your aim is to make other people see you as a colleague – not a fan. Colleagues are interesting, but fans are annoying.

The only way to pull this off—especially with people who are currently at a higher professional level than you—is to ignore their authority.

(Again, while still giving them the respect they deserve) 

This is harder than it sounds.

First, you need to acknowledge the power that perceived authority has over you.

For example, studies show that people are 3 times more likely to jaywalk when someone in a freshly pressed suit does it first. 

Second, authority makes you feel inferior. You need to resist this.

Realize that they are only human too and, no matter how smart or talented they are now, they were once in a position similar to you.

You’ll never make a strong connection with someone who sees you as significantly inferior. 

The key is to get them to see you as an equal. You need to do this without coming off as disrespectful or threatening.

In practice, this can be respectfully disagreeing with something they say or making sure to express your own opinions with confidence.

Stand up straight, make eye contact, and be friendly – pretend they are just a coworker with your same job title.

5. Focus on other people instead of yourself (you will struggle with this).

You’re not the only ego in the world.

Most people assume that the world revolves around them. 

We naturally think that our problems are bigger and more visible than everyone else’s problems.

In reality, other people hardly even think about you and your problems.

They’re not thinking about you because they are too busy thinking about themselves. Remember this when you talk to them. 

Talk to them about them. 

Discuss their problems, passions, and general interests – not your own.

Ironically, the more you encourage others to keep their focus on themselves, the more they will remember you and consider you in the future.

6. Never leave your manners at home.

Always be overly polite. 

Say please and thank you. Stop and ask, How are you? and stick around to hear the answer. These little things matter – especially in email correspondence.

Emailing requests with no polite content included? You will lose that contact and your rapport with them.

Don’t do this. Instead, start every new email thread with a thank-you—even if you are just thanking them for some previous emails—and a well-wish of some kind.

For example:

Hi [Person],

Thanks for your correspondence over topic XYZ a few weeks ago! I hope you’re doing well. I have another question for you...

Then follow the lead of the other person. If they respond bluntly, you should respond bluntly as well. If they are extremely civil, then you should be extremely civil.

7. Mimic people (it makes them like you better).

The fastest way to build rapport with someone is to subtly copy their body language, mannerisms, and speech patterns. 

Do not do this in a manipulative or creepy way.

Instead, do it in a way that helps you and the other person understand each other better.

Studies show that, by default, people like people who are similar to them. 

People also understand people who are similar to them – more than they understand people who are different from them. 

This trend is superficial—and sometimes dangerous—but it’s true in any case.

Instead of fighting this reality, use it to your advantage. 

Check your ego at the door and be willing to communicate how other people want to communicate, not how you want to communicate.

8. Stay top-of-mind with your professional contacts (but only in small doses).

One of the biggest networking mistakes that PhDs make?

They assume that a good idea will speak for itself.

Ideas don’t speak. And unless you keep them alive, they die. 

This includes ideas like collaborations, promotions, or funding opportunities. If you want a new job, for instance, don’t just send a single email to a prospective reference.

This is not going to maintain the idea of hiring you. 

You need to follow up over and over and over again. 

You can also give in all kinds of small ways like consistently commenting on professional articles and social media pages. 

Networking is all about following up, but in small doses. 

This means sending small give emails every week or so – not huge take emails once or daily.

These little efforts add up and are always noticed – even if no one openly thanks you for them.

The best networking connections grow out of small seeds planted over the course of several months. 

9. Tap into identity bias (don't forget to be honest though).

As you network, an older professional may tell you something like, You remind me of a younger version of myself.

This is an extremely good sign.

Identity is a powerful networking tool – studies show that your brain works extremely hard to maintain a positive, unified view of your personal identity. 

For example: If you identify yourself as a vegetarian or smoker, your brain will process information with a bias toward that view of self – it will reorganize memories and thoughts as needed just to maintain that view of self.

If someone identifies with you, even in a small way, their brain will fight to keep a positive view of you. 

To go against you would be to go against themselves. So if they feel you are similar to them, it doesn’t hurt to emphasize those similarities when you talk with them.

You should never be dishonest with your professional contacts.

But if a particular fact is advantageous to bring up in conversation, then feel free to talk about it in a natural way.

Quick ways to get others to identify with you include mimicking their behavior and drawing attention to shared interests, experiences, and locations.

10. If nothing else, add value by showing enthusiasm.

A lot of scientists don’t feel like they have anything to “give.”

This is untrue.

If you’re looking for a new job, you can give to your contacts by making their lives easier or more enjoyable.

For example, you can act like you’re working for them already by sending them leads, contacts, ideas, or articles that might interest them.

At the very least, you can pay them attention by showing enthusiasm for their personal work by engaging with them on social media.

Everyone has ideas they are passionate about. And ultimately, there is no replacement for the simple human connection of being enthusiastic about someone else's ideas.

They will remember the attention you gave them, and they will feel good when they remember you...

... Making it more likely they'll help you in the future.

Supporting other people’s passions with enthusiasm – authentic enthusiasm – is a fast way to build rapport.

11. Don't be fake - use research to enhance your relationships.

Never reach out to a new connection without researching their interests and accomplishments first.

Are you sending out generic emails to potential contacts?

Stop.

A generic email will be discarded and quickly forgotten about.

People have sharp intuition for things like this, and they will notice your insincerity right away.

Do you want to be remembered and get the attention of a potential connection?

Studies show that praising someone’s work or effort is more emotionally powerful than praising someone’s personality or intelligence. So before you reach out, dig into the work of the person you’re reaching out to.

Make a positive reference to an effort-based accomplishment they made, and do this as specifically as possible.

The specificity of your observation will make it clear you have a genuine interest in their accomplishments, and they will be pleased by this.

12. The "curse of knowledge" will turn you into an elitist - guard yourself against this.

Knowledge has a funny way of making people feel important...

Of course, no one is so important that they don’t have to try.

A large part of networking is trying not to come off as an elitist, selfish jerk.

Some scientists struggle with this because they’ve dedicated their lives to working extremely hard for very lofty ideals (and usually for very low pay). As a result, it becomes easy to feel like you’ve paid your dues - that you are owed something in return.

Never feel entitled to an email response or returned call.

Your sense of entitlement does not matter to strangers who have never shared your personal struggles.

Resentment is a good networker's worst enemy. If you don’t get what you want the first time, don’t get bitter. Simply change your approach and try again.

13. Project confidence, not need.

Sometimes life works in a weird way. To get a loan from the bank, the first thing you have to do is prove that you don’t need it.

The same is true when it comes to networking and convincing others to help you...

The first thing you have to do is prove that you don’t need their help.

Wanting and needing help are two very different things.

People who are needy and desperate will be avoided. But people who believe in themselves and their abilities are magnetic.

Don't be needy - be magnetic and attractive.

The starting point of a strong network connection is confidence in who you are and what you have to offer. You have to be comfortable with yourself before you can build an authentic relationship with someone else.

Are you a PhD?

If so, what are some of your own psychological tips and tricks for getting the most out of your networking experience?

Tell me in a comment below.

To learn more about transitioning into industry, including how to gain instant access to industry career training videos, case studies, industry insider documents, a complete industry transition plan, and a private online job referral network for PhDs only, get on the waitlist for the Cheeky Scientist Association.