13 Lessons I learnt from a Year of Searching Inside Myself: I hate you and I am still a good person

"I am angry with you and I am still a good person." 

"I hate you and I am still a good person."

"I want to sleep with you and I am married and I still am a good person."

These are just feelings... nothing more than feelings.

The moment I realized I was not my thoughts and my emotions, was probably the most freeing moment of my life.

Having been trained in Education, Counseling and Psychology, I realized it became too clear that the mindset was the most crucial aspect of change and transformation in my students and clients. However what really confounded me was how I or anyone could change their mindsets when still stuck believing and feeling the opposite of who I wanted to be. For example, as I grew in ability to create more good work and the profits which came with it, I would still hear "I don't deserve this". When I worked at liking or forgiving an arch enemy from the office, I would smile on the outside and hear the voice in my head go "You are so fake. You hate her." And to me, all my efforts and achievements went down as useless.

The major shift occurred as I deepened my self-awareness and watched peak performers and heard the best coaches coach. I heard them say -

"Marion, you are not your emotions"

"Marion, you are not your thoughts"

These thoughts and emotions exist like a computer database which merely repeats itself from memories or previous settings. The Search Inside Yourself programme reminded me powerfully that we usually think of our emotions as being us. We say “I am angry”, “I am happy”, “I am sad”, as if anger, happiness or sadness are us or become who we are. But we are not our emotions and most our thoughts are not in our control or even our creation, they merely come and go as part of our being a human animal.

I urge you today to practice enough mindfulness practice, to notice this very important shift.

Emotions are simply what you feel and not who you are. Then emotions go from being existential ("I am") to experiential ("I feel"). 

You go from "I am angry" to "I am experiencing anger in my body." Like I did.

If my emotions are who I am, then there is very little I can do about it. However, if emotions are what I experience in my body, then feeling angry becomes a lot like feeling pain in my shoulders after an extreme workout: both are physiological experiences over which I have influence. I can pay more attention or less attention to the emotion. Yet I am more than the pain or the anger. I can definitely be a good person while being angry. My focus is on the actions of doing or being the person I want to be rather than on my emotions. I started seeing my emotions from a more detached and third-person perspective and wonder what the emotion is trying to tell me. The anger I feel allows me clarity and self-awareness. Rather than make me lose hope in my behaviour change as I was still filled with feelings of self-doubt.

 When our emotions are not us, we can act on them. Rather than be them.

The moment I realized I was not my thoughts and my emotions, was probably the most freeing moment of my life. I hope it is the same for you.

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I am a certified Search Inside Yourself Leadership Institute facilitator. Find out more at www.siyli.org and do connect with me at [email protected] if you are keen to attend a course or bring one to your organization soon.