The 12 Worst Possible Mistakes With A Gifted Child

While the situation is now better compared to where it was twenty years ago, the issue of child giftedness is very overlooked and misunderstood by most people, including those directly involved with gifted children. It seems that we are failing, as a society, to offer protection to an ignored minority, essentially because it is still not talked about. Gifted kids are either considered as not being in need of special consideration, because "they are smart enough to figure it out, and will be fine", or simply because people don't take the time to stop and think. In the end, we miss the opportunity of making those kids our next generation of thinkers, by helping them grow into healthy and happy adults.

However, there is actually very little that would need to be achieved to make the situation less problematic, and most of the steps can actually be presented as a list of "not-to's":

1. Not listening

Every child needs a role model, and gifted children are no exception. In fact, more than any other child, they need someone to listen to the questions they have not only about the world or something they are trying to learn, but also about themselves. As they grow, they will notice their difference and will start feeling that "something's off". In order to be able to accept themselves and grow into confident members of society, they have to hear frequently that they are not weird, but different and accepted as such.

2. Not allowing them to be themselves

Many parents and teachers feel the urge of making all children fit into a specific model, for two main reasons. The first one is that the one-size-fits-all model is easier to manage. The second one is the urge of fitting in, and parents often feel that their children will be happier if they behave like society is expecting them to behave. Therefore, there is usually a lot of pressure on gifted kids to make them feel like they have to change their behavior to fit the crowd. This causes an ineluctable internal conflict that prohibits these kids to grow into happy adults.

3. Failing to let them be proud of their intellect

Because they are different and will be identified by their peers as such, gifted children generally use their IQs to rationalize the misunderstanding they go through. It is utterly wrong to feed their pride by repeating constantly how exceptional they are. Just as pageant moms can start defining themselves by the performance of their child, it happens that parents use their child's exceptional abilities as a way to value themselves, growing both their own ego and their child's. However, the opposite behavior is just as dangerous, and scolding a child because they feel pride about their intellect is denying them their coping system.

4. Not providing the right environment (as much as possible)

Whenever feasible, parents should try to provide the means (books, access to activities, musical instruments, etc.) for a gifted child to fulfill their need for intellectual nourishment. However, some families don't have the financial means to do that, and in this case it can cause the child to get bored and feel very depressed. Not being challenged is a real source of suffering for all gifted people. When financial means are not available, a kind open-mindedness from those close is crucial.

5. Assuming that they know everything

According to Immanuel Kant, the term 'genius' defines a person who recreates knowledge from logic, not textbooks or teachers. It might actually be challenging for a gifted child to apply textbook knowledge, and because they re-generate their own knowledge, they might have a very clear mental picture about a specific concept, but not know the word which is used to refer to that concept. This is typically problematic in cultures where the school system values the form more than the substance.

Perfect logic is not perfect knowledge. Gifted children are not necessarily bookworms or know-it-alls, and vise-versa. They might actually get very confused when told that "they know that already" - that makes them feel like, if they don't, they are not good enough, and that creates a feeling of self-depreciation. Another key point is that when someone assumes that they 'already' know, that person might miss the opportunity to trigger valuable brainstorming.

5. Comparing them to others

Putting a number (ie, IQ score) is the worse thing to do to help such children find their own voice. They start feeling like they are expected to compete with others, and that they are not defined by any other metric. Ultimately, they might fail to see their own value as human beings. In order to help them find their own spot in society, we have a duty to help them understand that they are multi-faceted individuals who should be proud of their accomplishments, not the brain they were born with.

6. Putting a limit to their interests

The best way for gifted children to accept their difference is to keep their mind busy - that is what really makes them happy and keeps them motivated. It is ok for children who have the ability to learn many things at the same time to do just that, as long as they want to and ask for it. It is also very healthy that such kids keep it broad, and just don't focus on the hard-core activities that people generally associate to giftedness, and try art, music, and sports as a complement of their purely intellectual activities. This will help them avoid defining themselves only through their brain, get more social and learn to appreciate others' abilities, as well.

7. Not making it clear that the reference is different

This is one issue that I believe is severely overlooked even by people used to interacting with gifted kids. As stated earlier, gifted children often use their intelligence as a way to rationalize their singularity, and to get to terms with the fact that their thought process is considered unorthodox. For that reason, it is primordial that they keep in mind, at all times, that they are different (notice that I didn't say "better", but "different").

For example, consider the scenario where one of two brothers is gifted while the other is not, and the parents typically fail to express the fact that the "expectations" are different. In that case, it is important for both brothers that the parents still maintain the same amount of praise for the two of them in order to make sure that none feels undervalued. To accomplish that, the adults have to make it clear that the criteria are different in order to prevent the gifted one to feel that they are "harsher" on him and to perceive a lot of injustice ("I just solved a 1,000-piece puzzle and my older brother finished a 500-piece one, and he is getting all the praise. Why?"), as well as the crude sense of being unappreciated and unloved.

8. Not valuing or dismissing their ideas, questions, and thirst for knowledge

Given the way the gifted brain functions, gifted kids will come up with loads of ideas and questions. They want to learn all the time, and they can't get enough of it. Hearing that they should focus on one thing is one of the biggest blow to their way of functioning. Thinking in a distributed way is what they are about, and this is how they deal with their difference. While no one should ever try to change the core thought process of anyone, in the case of a gifted child, it might cause irreversible damage to their personality... and to their entire life.

9. Not providing feedback

Just like other kids, gifted children learn from their environments and their mistakes. However, because really high IQs are less common than average ones, it is really hard for them to find an appropriate role model, and they usually can't find one that they can relate to. This means that such children don't have the chance to learn by mimicking their parent or another adult, and have to forge their persona by themselves. That is the reason why giving them objective and regular feedback is so decisive.

10. Confusing IQ and EQ

Having a higher IQ (Intellectual Quotient) is completely uncorrelated with EQ (Emotional Quotient), which is why I am strongly opposed to systems where it is believed that letting children skip several grades is the solution to all problems related to giftedness. Having a 7-year-old mingle with 10+-year-old kids just isn't a good idea: gifted kids might think faster, but they are still children. On top of that, it is kind of a shame not to use the lead they have as a way to develop more skills, instead of developing the same skills, but faster.

But that's not all: it is not unusual to hear an adult tell a gifted child that "they should be the smart one and ignore it", when another child is mean to him/her. It is a known problem that gifted kids are often victims of bullying in school, and by assuming that they are the wisest ones, grown-ups simply ignore a fairly easy to solve problem, often leaving such kids helpless and misunderstood.

11. Envying their capabilities

Being gifted is no picnic. Ultimately, having a high IQ makes it sometimes hard for a person to align with other people. It is a prevalent problem for a gifted person to assume people already know what they, themselves, know, or that something is obvious when it really isn't. In order to be able to overcome that challenge, gifted children need not only active feedback (see point 9), but also the knowledge that people understand their challenges. Just assuming that smart people "got it easy" is wrong - it is missing the whole point that even though they think faster and can get things achieved in record time, they go through a lot of challenges that other people don't. It is also very hurtful for gifted children to hear that other people consider that they are prideful, because the fact they come across as such is just a by-product, not an intent.

12. Not talking about it

Gifted children have the right to know that they are different, and known to be different, in order to feel that they are accepted for who they are. Giftedness is not a disease, just a different of functioning, and while it might sound obvious, it does not appear as trivial to the gifted child.

In short:

These are all fairly easy mistakes to avoid when meeting a gifted child, which everyone should be aware of. In fact, these points could often make smart kids feel much better about themselves, and feel understood.

And I should know: I am one of those for which things could have turned really, really wrong...