12 Wishes for 12 Days of Christmas: What This Child of Divorce Wants Every Divorced Parent to Know

Advice about how to co-parent after divorce is in no short supply, though not all of it's, let's just say, productive. But that's a subject for another article. For now, if you're looking for advice on how to parent a child during and after a divorce, there's plenty of qualified mental health professionals, divorce coaches, divorced parents, and family lawyers willing to give it, including me. 

Mind you, a lot of the information out there is valuable. I'm not knocking the research and intentions of those who remain steadfast and committed to protecting children through the divorce process the way I am. Parents must consider their children's best interests in any decision they make to give those children a chance at a happy, productive childhood and adulthood, which is what they deserve.

That said, there's another perspective often overlooked in discussions concerning divorce, which is the child's perspective. These children relive the consequences, good and bad, of their parent's choices for a lifetime. Not the choice parents made to get a divorce. No, every person, even a parent, has the right to leave their marriage if it will bring them peace, safety, and most important of all, happiness. 

What a parent who chooses to get a divorce does not have the right to do is take their children down the rabbit hole with them if they're going down it themselves. With every negative comment, inflammatory action, and judgmental passing glance, that parent takes the liberty of tarnishing that child of divorce's friendships, romantic relationships, education, and overall view of the world forever. It's a punishment for a crime that that innocent child didn't commit, and it's not fair.    

I'm here to tell you it doesn't have to be this way, and it's why, today, I sat down with a member of my staff who agreed to talk to me about her experience growing up as a child of divorce and a nasty divorce at that. As Christmas approaches, she couldn't help but think that much of what she experienced from her parents' behavior during and following their divorce was unnecessary had they merely considered what they were doing to their children by behaving the way they were.

So for Christmas, she's giving divorced co-parents and co-parents-to-be a gift, 12 actually, to commemorate the 12 days of Christmas. And that’s the 12 pieces of advice, wishes if you will, she has for divorced parents like you who may not realize how impactful their behavior during and after divorce is for children. Here's what she wants you to know.  

Treat your children from your first and second marriages equally.

Since Christmas is almost here, I'll lead our discussion with a Christmas memory. My memory was attending a Christmas gathering with my father and his second family (his wife and their children). At that gathering, I received nothing for Christmas but looked on as my new, younger siblings did. It had happened before, left me feeling sad, yet no one ever considered whether I should have to keep attending Christmas there year after year.

Why would a parent leave their child out like this? I have no explanation. In all honesty, the response doesn't matter, except to say if you're a divorced parent with a second family, don't do this. Whatever you're thinking, it's wrong. Whatever your reasons are, they're wrong. You're wrong.

Your children from your first marriage want to know you love them as much as you did before your divorce, even — especially — if you went on to have additional children, children who you may spend more time with because you live in the same house as them full time. If you can't go out of your way to highlight this to them, then go out of your way not to make your children believe they matter to you less because of your divorce. Equal treatment is all we want.  

Talk to your children.

That goes for both parents, even if you're the perceived "good" parent. You need to check in with your kids often. You might be thinking, why didn't she just complain and ask where her presents were? The answer is I was scared to say something, so I kept my mouth shut. I told my mom, but, of course, she couldn't do anything about it because their relationship was so explosive, which of course, underlaid most of the problems I describe here. It's a vicious cycle.   

Ask your children how they feel about your custody arrangement.

While you're talking to your kids, ask them what they think about your current custody agreement. Is it working for them? What about it doesn't work for them? You'd be surprised how much a kid will tell you if you just ask. And don't ask questions only once. You may not get a response the first time or even the second. Keep trying.

If your kids give you an earful, take what they're saying to heart, even if it hurts your heart. What they're telling you is the way they see the world. Even if you don't have a lot of power today to change your existing custody agreement, you may, as time goes on, be in a position to modify it. With that in mind, keep a record of what your children tell you. That record could become evidence one day.

In the meantime, if you can change how your custody arrangement works without a third-party intervening, have that conversation with your ex. Or, even more importantly, take a good hard look in the mirror and examine how your behavior affects your children's custody experience. Since you can only change how you behave, the best place to begin is there.  

Ask yourself if the child support you receive is worth the hassle.

My mother received minimal child support, like a tiny amount. Although money was tight in our house, I have to think the control my father had over my mother from just the little bit of money he gave her couldn't have been worth it. If you find yourself in a similar situation, consider whether you can do without child support, especially if it comes with strings.  

Stop fighting in front of your kids.

This piece of advice has to be the most common and, I believe, the most frequently ignored. Not fighting in front of your kids should be as apparent as brushing your teeth in the morning, but, somehow, parents, including mine, did it often and with enthusiasm. Go for a run, get a punching bag, take out your frustration on a piece of chocolate cake but, please, please stop fighting in front of your kids. 

Let me guess — you're zoning out already. Well, listen up because I'm going to tell you why you should heed my advice. When you argue with your kids in earshot, it does a lot of things to them. Your arguing could make them nervous. It could make them think they're responsible. It could make them dislike one of you or both. It could make them depressed. 

But, by far, the scariest effect your arguing could have on your kids is the one you cannot imagine. And that could be real, real bad. Take it from a kid who had to listen to a lot of back and forth (euphemism), be civil when you communicate. Bite your tongue if you have to — hard. Trust me when I tell you your pain will be nothing compared to your kids' if you continue fighting with each other in front of them.   

Handle kid transitions in public places.

If you're having trouble speaking nicely to each other, try this: hand your kids off to your ex in a public place. If you have any sense of pride, self-worth, or decorum, you might be more likely to put on a show for strangers since it's obvious you're not so inclined to put one on in private for your kids.

In general, people don't like to embarrass themselves or look like a jerk in front of strangers or, worse, worry what could happen if word got back to the neighbors, their employer, the school, or whoever they'd not want to know how they’re behaving. If you can't keep a lid on it for your kids, for the love of God, do it for yourself.  

Follow through on your promises.

When you're a kid, especially a young kid, your parents are the people you're supposed to be able to depend on most in the world. Your parents are there to protect you, at least in theory. Because of this, we expect what you say to be true. If you say you're going to pick us up for the weekend on Friday at 5 p.m., Friday at 5 p.m. is when you should show up. If you say you're going to see us in the school play, then you better be in the audience when we look out from the stage. 

If we can't trust your word, we're going to have trust issues with everyone. That will cause problems in our personal and professional relationships, even with the dry cleaner when they tell us our clothes will be ready when they say they will. We won't believe them; we will question everyone and everything. Please don't do that to your kids. It's not a fun way to live.  

Don't be the fun parent.

Speaking of fun, you want to be the fun parent, don't you? After all, you're the parent who has less time with the kids. Guess what? That nonstop fun you think we're having becomes the source of a lot of stress for us when, at the end of the weekend, we haven't done our homework or studied for that bio test third period on Monday. 

Kids, believe it or not, crave structure. They want routine. That way, they know what to expect, which is what keeps them calm in the first place. Here's what you get in return when you stick to the kids' schedule: children who are much better behaved because they're not feeling unnecessary pressure, pressure you're causing them.   

Don't play an interested parent in public if you aren't an interested parent in private.

Short story: my dad once showed up at my parent-teacher conference without letting my mom or the school know he was coming first. The teacher had no idea who in the world he was because, apart from this isolated instance, he demonstrated little to no interest in my life. 

So what's the big deal, you might ask? Well, for starters, his showing up made my mom feel uncomfortable. The teacher felt awkward, too, because she sensed how she became involved in a matrimonial situation that had nothing to do with her. The result was everyone was distracted from why they were there — me. Instead, the focus became the power struggle between my mom and dad.  

If you're going to abuse drugs or alcohol in front of your kids, they're going to know. 

This piece of advice is another "it should go without saying" moment: don't abuse drugs and alcohol in front of your kids. Kids are smart. They know what you're doing, and if they don't, they'll know something isn't right, and that makes kids feel super insecure. Not to mention, what kind of example are you setting? Do as I say, not as I do is not a parenting strategy you should ever follow. 

Let your kid be a kid.

At the core of every piece of advice I give you is this: let your kid be a kid. Not to sound flip, but as children, we're little sponges. We look around, we listen. What you do and what you say shapes how your children think, feel, see, and interpret every encounter they have in the world. When you color it for them with negativity, you color their present and future.

Adulthood lasts a lot longer than childhood, so let your children grow up with the freedom to discover who they are, not who you've become, which is based on your experiences and, if you're guilty of any of the above, mistakes. We deserve a clean slate to make our own.  

You shouldn't force me to forgive someone who's wronged me, even if it's you.

Here's the good news: you can change your ways. Here's the bad news: you may have already damaged your relationship with your child, and it may take time, perhaps a lifetime, for them to de-program from what they've witnessed. It is what it is, and you are where you are. But if you want to change, it’s better late than never. 

But don't expect your kids to forgive you, now or ever. Forgiveness is a gift that may never come from your child. But as a good parent, one who finally "gets" what's best for their kids, even if they're adults now, you will understand this and respect our wishes, too — all 12 of them.

Elise Buie, Esq. is a Seattle-based family and divorce lawyer and founder of the Elise Buie Family Law Group. A champion for maintaining civility throughout the divorce process, Elise advocates for her clients and the best interests of their children, helping them move forward with dignity and from a position of strength.