#12 When You Miss Goals, Promotions, Feel Rejected & Meh!

When life throws you challenges such as not hitting your goals, missing out on promotions, being rejected in a relationship or having financial worries then it can really affect the way we feel and behave.

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If it was something you really wanted you may experience the emotions of sadness, disappointment, anger and even shame.? You may also be comparing yourself to someone else who DID get what you wanted (the promotion, the new partner….etc)

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So your self esteem may even take a bit of a hit too.

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Then you find yourself going over and over what happened which makes you experience the feelings over and over again in your body and it may invite in some new emotions too, like anger, jealousy or fear about the future.

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You may ruminate on this so much that it starts to affect how you behave – you may try and numb out some of the feelings by drinking more or eating more, you may go out a lot and be more reckless or you may isolate, all of which can contribute to a state of stress in the mind and body.

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In the worst case scenario, you may feel helpless to change your circumstances.? Your body then moves into more lengthy periods of stress, causing heightened levels of cortisol and adrenaline which can affect sleep levels, digestive disorders, headaches, tension, and even your immune system is reduced.

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None of which is good for us in the long term.

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So how do we handle life’s ups and downs in a way that doesn’t do lasting damage?!

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Well the first thing is to understand that we are humans who have emotions and …….here’s the real eye opener……our emotions are there to be FELT.? They are the guiding compass in our life, but we’re not taught this.

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During our childhood we are conditioned to “suppress” our feelings and emotions as they may not be socially acceptable for the place or experience where you are at that moment……or the parent doesn’t want to deal with those emotions in that moment.

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- big boys/girls don’t cry

- don’t get so angry

- don’t be so noisy

- don’t be scared

- don’t be sad

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?Recognise any of those said to you?

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Now I’m not suggesting you throw a toddler style tantrum if you didn’t get the promotion you wanted.

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But what I AM suggesting is that:

• It is okay for you to feel disappointed if you missed out on a promotion.?
• It is okay to feel rejected if a partner leaves you.
• It is okay to feel disappointed about missing a goal.
• It is okay to feel scared or worried if you have lost your job or source of income.

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For a short period of time.

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But what it’s NOT okay to do is to add rocket fuel to the disappointment by making it about YOU and creating damaging beliefs such as:

• I’m not good enough
• I’m not worthy enough
• I’m useless
• I’m not loveable
• I don’t belong / I don’t fit in
• I’m helpless and weak?

THESE ARE NOT TRUE ABOUT YOU!

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Tough Love from a Therapist!

Provided you have a fully functioning brain – then we ALL have the same opportunity to create anything we want in life, no matter what your background, ethnicity, status, religion, or circumstances are.

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Because the very latest in neuroscience proves beyond doubt, that we can change anything in our mind that we believe.

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And there’s the key.

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What we believe.

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So the next time life throws you a curveball – notice, REALLY NOTICE how you react, because the clues to what you believe are there.

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• Do you start blaming something outside of you – things, people, circumstances?
• Do you start criticising yourself and making it about how bad/stupid/unworthy YOU are?
• Do you start playing helpless or acting like a victim – “It’s so unfair….”

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The inner work to do lies right there.

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Because our reactions come from our EGO mind – the part of your mind that wants to keep you safe and to stay with what’s familiar.? The part of your mind that never wants you to feel any pain or any emotion that may cause you to feel bad, rejected or unloved.?

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But the EGO part of your mind is also protecting you from the REAL pain – that what you believe about yourself deep in your subconscious mind means that it may actually be true that you don’t FEEL good enough, worthy enough, loveable enough.

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The part of your mind that was created when you were a child and for a moment (or many moments) you believed that to be true about yourself…..when you were a small child!!

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So your mind protected you from that feeling because it was too painful to deal with at the time but it created a warning deep in your subconscious that this is what you feel about yourself.

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And now any time a similar feeling is felt in the body – it triggers the mind to come in immediately with your protective reaction so that you don’t feel the same feeling that you did when you were a child.

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So any time you have a strong reaction to something, understand that this is NOT about this moment and this experience.? It is a trigger from the past.

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Hold yourself back a moment and note what you were doing, what was going on and what triggered this out of context response?

Often it is going to be rooted in fear:

• I’m not good enough
• I’m not intelligent enough
• I’m not being listened to or heard or seen
• I’m being judged and criticised
• I’m not important
• I'm not loveable

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So in order to feel much happier in your life when life throws you a curveball:

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• Allow your emotions to be felt? and let them process through your body – they only hang around when you RESIST them and push them away.? Your body knows how to do this on its own.?? What we resist….we give energy to and what we give energy to….grows and persists.? Acknowledge your emotions without judgement or meaning.
• Decide how long you want to allow yourself to feel like this when you KNOW deep down that this is NOT a reflection on how good/worthy/loveable/enough you truly are.
• Never allow your inner critic (the Ego voice) to take control.? You need to be your own inner cheerleader for as much of the day as possible.
• Talk to valued friends/family or a Therapist about your feelings to allow you to see a different perspective.
• Practice self care by doing activities that nurture your wellbeing such as exercise, healthy eating, meditation, relaxing days out
• Set some new goals so that your mind has something to focus on and work towards

But above ALL…..

CHOOSE to see this experience as a ?BIG opportunity to see any perceived failures as learning opportunities.

When you shift your thinking to "what can I learn from this and how can I do this better" - then this is empowering for your mind and is directing your mind to find the solution.

Whereas seeing it as a failure, feels painful to your mind and so it will try and prevent you doing this again (more sabotage!) and it becomes a roadblock to you moving forwards and growing.

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Sara Blakeley (CEO and Founder of Spanx) said that every day she came home from school her Dad would say "what did you fail at today?" - and then "great job - lots of learning opportunities"

?Her Dad knew.

The only way you truly fail in life.....is if you give up, or you never try.

Everything else is just learning and growth.

But if you are struggling with prolonged and stressful emotions, deep rooted and sabotaging beliefs or just annoying patterns that keep coming up in your life over and over again, then maybe it’s time for a chat.

You don’t have to do this work on your own.

?I’m here when you’re ready.

?___________________________________________________________________?????I support professionals and entrepreneurs to break through their upper limits and subconscious blocks that are holding them back

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