The 12 Steps Aren't Just for Addicts

“Why is it so hard to choose between these jobs?”, you ask yourself.

“It shouldn’t be.”, you think.

One has a field of red flags. The other seems like the perfect fit.

But the red flags come with a bigger paycheck — bigger than your last boss’s.

And it’s a global name. The kind that comes with bragging rights.

But it violates every boundary you’ve set for yourself…

…it should be an obvious and quick decision to pass on it.

So why are you still mulling it over?

The answer isn’t as obvious as people think. It’s not because you’re in it for the money or need the recognition of a big name.

Those are the facades of the reasons — that’s just what we see from the street.

That’s how they show themselves to us.

The actual reasons are hidden behind those facades, and most people never take the time to look past them.

You struggle with these decisions because haven’t reconciled your regrets and resentments.

And those invisible anchors are pulling you off course without you realizing it.

This applies to everyone

Don’t mutter “I don’t do regrets” and hit the Back button just yet.

Replaying old memories isn’t a bad thing outright. In fact, it’s one way to weaponize our past against our future.

“I’ll never do that again” is sometimes the only redeeming outcome from some of our mistakes.

But some of you look back on past events with fear and shame. If that’s you, hear me out.

Some of you have memories playing on loop:

- things you did and wish you hadn’t done

- things you wish you had done differently

- things you didn’t do that you wish you had

Or maybe you have similar memories about people:

- things you said and wish you hadn’t

- things you didn’t say and wish you had

- things you wish you had said differently

These are variations of a theme, but for this discussion:

Regrets are events you wish things had turned out better. Resentments are feelings you harbor against a person from the past (including yourself).

And in both cases, I’m sure you think you put it all behind you.

But to truly do that means you confronted those emotions. Sat with them. Acknowledged them.

Let them hang out until they were ready to leave.

If you’re like most people, though, you kept your eyes forward and stayed busy, trying to forget it.

But ignoring something is not “putting it behind you”. When something is behind you it no longer holds power over you. You’ve cut the rope that binds you.

In this case, it’s still very much attached to you, you just can’t see it or feel it in the obvious sense.

Like a sailboat dragging a couple of invisible anchors.

Sure, you’re making progress. But you keep veering off course and you can’t figure out why.

How it manifests — is this you?

This is more than holding onto painful memories. That’s not a problem in and of itself. It’s when those memories regularly influence action that you get into dangerous waters.

Now you’re trying to balance past events with future achievements.

Since career decisions have such an impact on our daily lives — and are so central to our identities — here are a few scenarios I see play out repeatedly with the transitioning service-members that I coach.

There’s some military-specific language in here, but the premise holds for any profession:

Your last supervisor screwed you with your next assignment and it will likely cost you the promotion you need to stay in the military.

But you’ll have the last laugh when your first post-military job doubles his salary, even if it means suffering a toxic culture and traveling 50% — two things you swore you would leave behind.

You told the office that you were going to separate from service after six years and they joked about how you’d be lucky to get hired at Best Buy in this economy.

But they won’t be laughing when you get that offer from one of the Big Five — even if it means breaking your promise to your family about not traveling for work anymore.

You legit screwed up and that one lapse in judgment set you about three years behind your peers — guys you can outperform with your eyes closed.

They love rubbing it in your face now, and you’re gonna love rubbing it back when you accept the Regional VP role you’ve been offered — even though the pay doesn’t nearly offset the expectations.

You see those red flags, but they don’t register.

“I’ve dealt with this stuff before; I can do it again — especially for this much money.”

“Totally worth it to see the looks on their faces.”

But no amount of money or bragging rights will nullify those things from the past.

No achievement tomorrow will balance the regret or resentment from yesterday.

They’ll continue to torment you; render you insatiable.

“I don’t get it. I should be happy, but I’m not.”, we’ll hear you say. Often.

What to do?

Take these two steps (of the famous 12 Steps)

My favorite takeaway from addiction recovery is my standing resilience framework.

The approach I took to my life in recovery continued long after I attained sobriety.

Willingness, acceptance, gratitude, service, and forgiveness*.

Alcohol isn’t the disease. It’s a symptom of the disease.

And the disease is often a lack of one — or all — of the above starred* items.

Hatred, fear, and resentment resulting from — or aimed at — the people and events of our past. Often ourselves.

That’s why the 4th and 5th Steps of the famous 12 Steps are invaluable:

Step 4: we made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves

Step 5: admitted to ourselves and another human being the exact nature of our wrongs

An interesting factoid about the 12 Steps — none of them even mention alcohol.

Believe it or not, the 12 steps don’t address addiction — they address spiritual health.

Perspective.

And as I didn’t win my battle with alcohol by focusing on the bottle and my consumption, so you won’t win your fight for fulfillment by focusing on achievement and accolades.

We begin by taking inventory

You start by looking back on your life.

Recognize the people and events that trigger you.

Hatred. Fear. Shame. Anger. Resentment. Envy. Inferiority.

Whatever and whoever elicits those emotions — write them down.

The point here — and this is important to remember — is not to judge the quality of the goods.

Be as objective as you can.

Like a surgeon operating on her husband.

Acknowledge and work with what’s there, and don’t worry about why it’s there or how it got that way.

Acknowledge every…

…mistake you made.

…time you got screwed.

…time you screwed someone else.

…opportunity you missed.

…opportunity you had ripped from your hands.

…injustice that was visited upon you.

…injustice that you visited upon others.

…time you lied to save your own skin at the expense of another.

…time you blamed the person that wasn’t there to defend themselves.

…time your good intentions caused a late night for your team.

These things trigger you because you haven’t accepted and internalized the truth that they played out the way they did.

You haven’t taken responsibility for your part in them.

And that is distorting your reality in ways you can’t imagine.

We begin to fix that by taking inventory.

We name the things on the shelf.

All of the things.

For most of us, we will not finish this list in one sitting.

That’s ok — make the list.

This next step will be one of the hardest things you ever do

This next step is hard because of how easy it is to avoid.

Too many of you will make your list, feel better, and stop there.

Don’t stop there.

Go find someone you trust.

Someone willing to maintain eye contact with you as you read your list.

Aloud.

Someone with whom you can admit to that shameful stuff and they won’t even blink.

This step hinges on the involvement of that person.

I didn’t say “write your mistakes into a journal and forgive yourself.”

Or “write it down and then burn that piece of paper with a candle.”

All better now!

If it were only that easy.

What’s required here is self-forgiveness, but the reason this step has given millions of drunks their sobriety is because of the involvement of that second person.

By that person listening to us without judgment and offering forgiveness without prejudice, they model the behavior that we’ve so far been incapable of offering ourselves.

Say the words to that person and watch them still respect you.

Still appreciate you.

Still trust you.

Still love you.

Now go home and mimic them.

Look in the mirror, say the words, and still…

…appreciate yourself.

…trust yourself.

…love yourself.

…forgive yourself.

…forgive anyone else involved.

There are no instant fixes in this business.

Some of us did this a few times before we felt any relief.

But eventually, the past lost its power over us.

We stopped hating the mirror.

We no longer felt compelled to swing for the fences.

Life stopped being an endless attempt to balance our past.

When you do this, everything becomes possible again

Regrets and resentments require payment in units of life, and neither offers refunds.

When you take your inventory and share it with another human being...

…you can orient your ship towards the future without those invisible anchors of regret and resentment pulling you off course.

You won’t trade your self-respect for the fancy title at the toxic company.

You won’t sacrifice your family life for a big name on your resume.

You won’t trade years of fulfillment for the ability to rub a higher salary in your last boss’s face.

You’ve been beating yourself up long enough. Put that stuff to bed.

Do yourself this favor and stop letting the past dictate your future.

Imagine what that might feel like…making life decisions without fear or shame…not trying to prove to the world that you’ve got what it takes…

…no longer dragging those anchors…

…you can grant yourself that reprieve right now.

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I'm a retired Green Beret and Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) that helps Microsoft turn transitioning service members and veterans into software engineers and junior tech leaders.

When I'm not busy not fitting in, I write about self-actualization and life as an existential paradox over at my blog I Walk Different.