12 months since the biggest promotion of my life

Exactly 12 months ago, at 7.56am on 23rd July 2019 I was blessed with the healthy arrival of my first child, a little boy we named Coby. The past year has been a wonderful experience that I will never forget. It has challenged me in more ways I could have ever imagined, yet also brought me immense joy and pride. Along the way, there has been a lot of different feelings and emotions, but the biggest one that has stuck with me is my experience of shared full-time parenting and how it turned out to be the best thing to happen to my family.

Promotion day

This time last year didn’t come as a huge surprise or urgent dash to the hospital, as during pregnancy my wife, Becky, was diagnosed with a pregnancy hernia. As a result, we were aware quite early on, that an elected cesarean would be the recommended and safest delivery option. 

This brought up my first consideration about paternity leave. Many dads had advised me not to use my 2 weeks leave when the baby was newborn, as there is not much you can do that early on and you will find you’re more useful down the track. While I appreciated this advice and it made sense on the surface, it was not something I was ever comfortable with. Having a child was something Becky and I wanted for a long time and we viewed it as one of the most significant life events you could experience. To immediately head back to work and not experience all those firsts, was something I was not prepared to give up on. The decision was also solidified by the cesarean procedure. Becky had just had significant abdominal surgery, where she would be in recovery for a minimum of 6 weeks, not able to freely move, let alone look after a newborn on her own all day. This would probably be the worst time I could not be around, especially as both being ex pats, neither of us had any immediate family around for support.

So, decision quickly made, the 2 weeks paternity leave would be taken at birth. I also added a week’s annual leave to extend it to 3 weeks, as it did not feel long enough, I wanted to be confident Becky was fully on the mend after everything she had been through. As we expected, those 3 weeks flew by, but I was fortunate that Becky recovered quickly from surgery and was happy for me to return to work.

Returning to work as a dad

I found the return to work quite an adjustment to begin with. It required an entirely new discipline of trying to juggle the balance of workload with being a new dad, interrupted sleep, and this significant life change. I had historically always put work first and as a result, many evenings would disappear, and I would walk in the front door at 10pm. This was no longer possible; I had to get home as soon as the working day was over to support Becky, who had spent all day alone with a newborn. Nevertheless, we found our rhythm, and it seemed to be working well. There was the odd night I had to work late, but the guilt of not seeing my little boy awake over the course of the day was enough to make me realise that these late nights would need to be few and far between.

The one unknown was that Becky did not have a set maternity leave period. Back in 2013 she had launched her own business that had steadily grown, so the ‘traditional’ maternity leave you would get from an employer was not possible. She thought that she would be able to balance having a newborn and still successfully run her business by giving more responsibility to her employees. However, this was not working out as she had hoped. As she spent more time with Coby, she loved this new role and as she put more time and energy into being a new mum, her feelings and engagement towards her business began to quickly deteriorate.

This was when the first thought of the traditional parental leave imbalance really started to play on my mind. I had quickly slipped back into my normal routine of working life, but Becky had to put her entire life on hold, the business that she had dedicated her life to, 7 years of blood, sweat and tears had quickly become the thing that had to be sacrificed, if parenting was to work for us.

This set off alarm bells. Becky had always been so passionate and dedicated to her business. It felt unfair that I could continue with my career but hers had become a risk of being compromised. We discussed it and what became apparent is that she felt she could not do both jobs well. Her natural instinct and priority was to focus on Coby, which she absolutely loved doing, but had accepted this would have to come at the expense of her business, as she couldn’t do both jobs at the level she felt she needed to.  

This was the real wake up moment for me. We had always assumed that Becky having her own business would be convenient for when we had a baby and provide her with more flexibly. It never dawned on us that it would quickly turn into one or the other.

We decided to look more closely at how her business was performing and understand if there was any genuine risk of slowing it down and taking a sustained break. We quickly discovered things were a lot messier than we had first thought. The staff member Becky had trusted to look after the business day-to-day had been stealing from her for a number of months, revenue was down and the overall high-quality products that the business had been renowned for, had taken a significant hit.

It was at this point we both realised the current set up was not working for us. I was increasingly feeling guilty that my time with Coby during the week was limited to a bottle feed at night, while Becky had become aware that she didn’t have the option to take too much time away from the business without there being a serious impact on its future existence. There had to be a better way for us.

The idea of shared parenting

I was fortunate that a few years previous, my boss and CEO of OMD Australia, Aimee Buchanan had become pregnant early on into her new role. She quickly realised that our primary carers leave was not up to scratch and overhauled the entire policy. 

One of the fundamental changes was the length of leave provided based on your tenure and the change of wording from maternity leave to ‘primary carers leave’, meaning that either parent was eligible. As I looked further into this and read through the policy, I realised that as Becky had not taken any maternity leave, I was eligible to become the primary carer within the first 12 months of Coby being born and receive up to 16 weeks paid leave.

This suddenly changed everything. We had never considered this as an option because we knew I would not be able to take a significant amount of time off work unpaid. We discussed it and quickly agreed this solution could work well for us. Becky could be at home for the first 6 months and then I take over, allowing her to focus back on the business and return to work full-time.

It was at this point where I also got a realistic idea of what it must feel like for the millions of women that take significant breaks from their careers to become mums. Whilst I knew I was eligible under the new primary carers policy, I wasn’t sure how my employer would respond to the request, how it would be perceived by my colleagues and immediate team, and what a hiatus in my role could mean for my career progression. All things that played on my mind and made me question whether it was the right thing to do.

Thankfully, the request was received extremely positively, and it was a big relief when I got a call from Aimee saying how she thought it was a brilliant idea and was fully in support of it.

Becoming the primary carer

I officially started my primary carers leave at the beginning of January, with Becky returning to work a few weeks earlier over the busy Christmas holiday period.

I will be honest, it started with a lot of apprehension. Becky had so effortlessly become a mum and done such an incredible job for the first 6 months, that I was worried I would not be able to care for Coby in the same way. Thankfully, things quickly clicked into place and I found a routine that seemed to work for us. There were some hairy moments, like when I took my eye off him for 5 seconds and he rolled off the bed and landed on the floor to a very loud thud (he was fine, I wasn’t for a few hours), or when I left the house, drove 30 minutes and realised I had left the pram and baby bag at home!

However, overall, I would say it has gone far better than I ever imagined. I have grown personally from it a great deal. Becoming a full-time parent requires a level of patience that was very new to me, so I quickly had to learn to adapt to it and the many different situations I would find myself in. I would also say it has had a significant impact on our relationship and the closeness I now have with Coby. There is such a tight bond between us, and I am unsure if that would have existed in the same way, if I had not experienced this constant one-on-one time with him.

Unexpectedly, it also turned out to be a much longer period with him than I had ever planned. My 16 weeks leave finished in April, but with it being in the middle of Covid-19 and the entire country working from home, I returned to work as planned, but from home, and Coby stayed in my care for a further 10 weeks before starting child care at the beginning of this month. I am fortunate that many of my colleagues are parents, so kids in the background and interrupting video calls became a regular occurrence and quickly seen as very normal! In the end, it turned out to be 26 weeks of me being the primary carer, and the first 12 months of his life equally shared between Becky and me.

The biggest success from this is what it has meant for Becky. Since returning in December she has completely turned the business around. It has been a mammoth job the past 6 months, but it has re-invigorated the passion she has always had and provided a new-found purpose. It has also been great for us as a couple, parenting is bloody tough and we both have the mutual respect for getting through 6 months of full-time parenting with very different challenges. Becky a newborn needing 24/7 attention and me a 6-month-old that is intent on throwing food in every direction possible, yet none in the mouth!

I’m also very proud to share that Becky has just recorded her most successful quarter since launching the business 7 years ago, a period which happened to coincide with a global pandemic that has caused so much despair and devastation to so many small businesses. A remarkable feat and testament to her dedication and determination.

Looking forward

Today marks Coby’s 1st birthday and the end of a roller coaster first year of parenting. Looking back, I now know that our shared full-time parenting experience was without doubt the best possible thing to happen to me, Becky, and us as a family. It has also made me realise that while my specific situation was quite unique, I am fortunate to work for a progressive company that has allowed me to have this experience. I also believe it will have a positive impact on my employer. After 9 years of continuous service, I saw it as a message that my commitment and loyalty has been appreciated. As a result, I am now feeling revitalised from the time away from work and I’m looking forward to being back in the office again.

That said, I can whole heartedly appreciate that for many dad’s all over the world, shared parenting remains impossible due to the outdated parental policies that are still in place, many that do not provide dads with any leave whatsoever.

While we still have a long way to go, I’m hopeful things will improve and am encouraged by some of the more progressive countries (mainly Scandinavian) that have introduced ‘daddy quotas’ to incentivise dads to stay at home and mums to return to their jobs. In Iceland, parents are entitled to 39 weeks of paid parental leave and of that time, 13 weeks are reserved separately for both mums and dads. The remaining 13 weeks can be split as parents see fit. As a result, fathers account for 45% of the total benefit usage. Sweden offers parents 480 days paid leave, of that, 90 days are reserved for each parent and for every day that parents use the remaining 300 shareable days equally, they receive a bonus. They also have over 45% of fathers using the available parental leave benefits.

I am also aware that many of the big global tech firms, such as Facebook, Google, Netflix and Pinterest are also leading the way here, offering significant parental leave for both men and women, and ensuring that shared parenting is encouraged throughout the organisation. Thankfully, they are setting this example, considering that the US is one of only 15 countries in the world that does not offer any paid parental leave whatsoever.

Whilst fortunately in Australia there is a base level of parental leave provided by the government, this is still minimal, and many employers are still very much behind in providing adequate parenting support. It quickly became apparent early on in my leave that I was an exception, whether it was our weekly rhyme time classes or the regular parent and baby catch ups, I was the only father that ever attended. The reaction from mums was always of surprise and intrigue, to find out more about my arrangement and how it was possible.

Over the past few months, we have seen a monumental shift in the status quo of how we go about work with the Covid-19 situation forcing the world to work from home. One of the best things I have seen from this is dads openly talking and sharing about how much they have enjoyed spending this unexpected time at home with their young families. Out of all the disruption and sadness that this period has caused, I’m hoping it results in one of many changes to how organisations operate and I’d personally love to see progression here in Australia, so that policies are more in tune with 21st century parenting that don’t force traditional gender roles. 

My advice to anyone in a similar situation and worried about reaching out to their employer, is to start an initial conversation. We can only make this progress if it is driven by employees and we encourage businesses to review and update these old age policies to make parenting more of an equal opportunity. I am fortunate that my experience with OMD was entirely positive and their reaction was of complete encouragement, which is something I am eternally grateful for. I hope it has provided a lens to other new parents to consider what works for their families and help develop a healthy conversation with employers on providing more adequate, and fairer support, at such a significant event in their employees lives.

Finally, and most importantly…happy 1st birthday son. You have given daddy a lot of happy memories these past 12 months.

If you're still with me by now, then thank you for reading! I appreciate your time and would love to hear any feedback you have.

Tom

P.S. I should also note it would be remiss of me not to mention Becky’s business, given the role it played in this experience and the fact I am so very proud of her and what she has achieved. It is a brilliant wood wick candle, fragrance and bath & body brand called HUTWOODS. You can find more at www.hutwoods.com and is currently available both in Australia and the UK. ??