#12 - How to Stay In Alignment

In my junior year of college, a friend told me I was the most popular kid on campus. I thought that was a compliment then, but in hindsight, I was so lost...

There were twelve fraternities and four sororities, and I knew people at every one. I was the nerd, the jock, the partier, and everybody's best friend all wrapped into one. I played video games, lifted weights, played sports, studied, partied, and everything in between. I had a ton of different friend groups, including dozens of friends from home, which I often brought to campus.

It felt like I was at every party, every barbeque, every study group, every video game tournament, every holiday event, and every other social gathering you could think of. I would also visit friends' homes and other colleges on weekends and breaks. I would meet their parents, families, and friend groups, too. I was the ultimate social butterfly.

Don't get me wrong. In some ways, it was terrific. I was incredibly well-rounded, and I was learning so much about all different cultures and backgrounds. I was constantly exposed to new people with new philosophies and skill sets, and my social skills developed rapidly.

I was a chameleon who could blend in nearly anywhere. So, what was the problem? After all, wouldn't it be great to have tons of friends and a vast network of amazing people? Yes and no. The truth is I got lost. As my social circle grew larger, I increasingly lost myself. I was increasingly becoming everything to everybody and nothing to myself. Long-term, that's a dangerous game.

In hindsight, I was falling increasingly out of alignment over time. Unfortunately, I didn't even know what alignment was back then. Thanks to my amazing girlfriend, Emilia, I understand it deeply now, and it's broken into three main parts (see Figure 1).

1. Core Aspirations

At the top of the pyramid, it all starts with core aspirations. Core aspirations are what you aspire to achieve and who you aspire to become. These are your goals and dreams. These represent your hopes and the bright future you want to build toward. Maybe it's a college you've always wanted to attend or a place you've always wanted to visit. Maybe it's that destination wedding of your dreams, a multi-million dollar horse ranch, or your dream car.

More important, however, is the second aspect of core aspirations. What you want to achieve is great, but who you want to become is even more important. Unfortunately, this more important part is usually the part we have less clarity on. Put another way, core aspirations are not just what you want to achieve but also who you must become to achieve it.

This is where we need to think about our careers and our character. For example, I have one client who wants to be a famous singer and another who wants to be a professional speaker. I have one client who wants to own her own chain of pet food stores and another who wants to build a billion-dollar company that helps people improve their mental health. That's all awesome, but what's most important is who they must become to achieve those things.

Perhaps the client who wants to be a famous singer must aspire to become a great vocalist, songwriter, and dancer. Maybe the client who wants to be a professional speaker must aspire to become a great communicator, writer, and coach, and the client who wants to build a billion-dollar mental health company must aspire to become a strong leader, licensed clinician, and podcaster.

Reflecting on my college days from this lens, I realize now how little clarity I had on the second half of that equation. I aspired to graduate with a B.S. in Computer Engineering and get my MBA, but I didn't have clarity on the person I had to become to achieve those things. Instead, I struggled daily to figure out who I was and where I fit in. After all, how can someone know whether they're in alignment if they don't really know where they're headed? Rather than allowing my inner core values to guide me, I drifted about like a ship at sea without a compass, which brings us to the second part of alignment.

2. Core Values

The next aspect of alignment is core values. Core values represent your top priorities. I think of core aspirations as building toward the future and core values as how you show up in the present. For example, if you aspire to get an A in Calculus class but have a core value of integrity, you're unlikely to cheat off your neighbor's test. Core values guide your moment-to-moment decisions.

Another way to think of core values is to take them literally. In other words, what do you value most? This can be about yourself, others, or the world. Do you value honesty the most, or perhaps it's work ethic? Do you value kindness the most, or perhaps it's inclusivity? Do you value intelligence the most, or perhaps it's self-discipline? All are great examples of core values, but the important part is that you narrow yours down to only the most meaningful.

For me, I narrowed my core values down to three. This is my opinion, but I've found that five is too broad and one is too narrow. Three is my sweet spot. I recommend just three, but you can decide for yourself.

For example, my top three core values are legacy, mastery, and potential. To me, legacy is a deep belief in creating a long-term positive impact far beyond one's own life; mastery is a deep belief in becoming as effective as humanly possible at what you do, and potential is a deep belief in what human beings are truly capable of. When combined, those three pack a powerful punch.

Remember, the key is not to find the "right" or "proper" definitions but rather for you to define what each specifically means to you. These are your core values, and you don't have to have the "perfect" dictionary definitions if you don't want to. Also, you'll notice that each of my definitions begins with the phrase "A deep belief..." That's on purpose. Why? Because under all of the work we've done thus far (core values and aspirations) are the persons, places, things, and ideas we believe in most, which brings us nicely into the next section.

3. Core Beliefs

The next aspect of alignment is core beliefs. Core beliefs represent your strongest beliefs about yourself, others, and the world. Put another way, it's the lens through which you perceive everything and filter information. Do you see yourself as intelligent or dumb? Do you see others as inherently good or bad? Do you see the world as a scary place or a safe one? These are just simple examples of core beliefs, but these are the mental constructs on which your entire life, identity, and self-concept are built.

Have you ever been wearing sunglasses as it started to get darker? Eventually, it got so dark it started to feel like nighttime. Maybe you thought to yourself, "How did it get dark so quickly?" Then you looked at the time and realized there was still a solid amount of time before sunset. Then you took your sunglasses off and realized it wasn't that dark, and there was still quite a bit of day left. In hindsight, it was cloudy, and you accidentally left your sunglasses on.

That's a great analogy to help you understand how core beliefs work. The sunglasses made everything you perceived slightly darker. This made it feel like nighttime when it really wasn't, and if you hadn't realized that wasn't true, then you might have made different choices. Perhaps you would have put your headlights on before dusk or grabbed a flashlight earlier than necessary. Maybe you would've headed home sooner or had dinner too early.

Like wearing sunglasses before dusk, core beliefs change everything about how we perceive the world around us. We take in information through our five senses. Everything we see, taste, touch, hear, and smell, our brains filter that information through our core beliefs without thinking about it. This process happens in microseconds, and it's completely unconscious. Some core beliefs are more rational than others, but we all have them regardless, and they don't necessarily have to be accurate.

For example, I once had a friend considered drop-dead gorgeous by everyone she knew. Back in my fitness modeling days, she and I did a photoshoot together, and no matter how beautiful she looked, she didn't believe it.

I'll never forget asking her two simple questions. The first was, "Can you please list three things you love about your physical appearance?" She took a long pause and couldn't answer. At the time, she couldn't even name one... Then I asked the second question, "Can you please list three things you hate about your physical appearance?" She gave me ten answers without any hesitation whatsoever.

Unfortunately, regardless of how many people thought she was gorgeous, she didn't believe that to be true. Therefore, whenever someone complimented her, her brain filtered that information out unconsciously. When I asked her about that, she told me she always figured people were trying to be nice and make her feel better. That's how powerful core beliefs are.

What if she had spent her entire life thinking she was ugly? What if she spent her entire life not knowing her true value? Fortunately, that person and I have worked together for years, and we've got her to see herself, others, and the world far more accurately now, and that's what we all should do. Like your iPhone or Android updating regularly, we should do the same with our core beliefs, values, and aspirations.

All Together Now

So, there you have it. Core aspirations are what you aspire to achieve and who you aspire to become; core values represent your top priorities and what you value most, and core beliefs represent your strongest beliefs about yourself, others, and the world.

Personally, I like to think of core beliefs as an accumulation of deeper understanding from your past, core values as how you want to show up in the present, and core aspirations as what you're building toward for your future.

Fortunately, I've gotten much more clarity on this than I used to have back in college. In hindsight, it makes perfect sense why I felt so lost and directionless. I didn't understand my past or my beliefs. I didn't understand my priorities or what I value most, and although I knew where I was headed to some degree, I didn't know exactly who I wanted to become to get there.

Remember, you can only stay aligned with who you are to the extent that you actually study and understand who you are. So, maybe how I felt in college is how you feel right now, and that's okay. I hope this blog helps you find alignment and more direction, and I created some prompts below to help you get started.

Core Aspiration Questions:

1. What is your number one most important goal this year?
2. What type of person must you aspire to be to achieve that goal?
3. What's one way you can measure your progress toward that goal?

Your answers to the questions above will likely illuminate the direction you most want to head in.

Core Values Questions:

1. What about the world breaks your heart most?
2. What about the world pisses you off most?
3. What is the deepest emotional pain you've ever experienced?

Your answers to the questions above will likely illuminate situations where core values were in conflict or being violated.

Core Beliefs Questions:

1. If you could wave a magic wand and change anything about yourself, what would it be?
2. If you could wave a magic wand and change anything about other people, what would it be?
3. If you could wave a magic wand and change anything about the world, what would it be?

Your answers to the questions above will likely illuminate your core beliefs about how you, others, and the world "should be".

Remember, core aspirations, core values, and core beliefs are heavy. Living in alignment is far more difficult than drifting around aimlessly, and the unfortunate truth is that other people won't like it when you get crystal clear on who you really are and who you aspire to be.

Why? Because that will make them feel even more lost, and more importantly, it'll trigger their fears that you'll outgrow them. Unfortunately, in many ways, you will. The person who knows exactly where they've been (core beliefs), exactly where they're headed (core aspirations), and exactly how they intend to get their (core values) is always going to travel faster toward their destination than others. Due to this, outgrowing people is inevitable.

And here's the catch. This is an infinite game. In other words, you never arrive. In mathematics, an asymptote is a graph that approaches 100% but never actually gets there. That's how alignment works, too. We aren't in alignment or out of it; but rather, we're all oscillating on a spectrum.

In other words, I'm not "in alignment" or "out of alignment" right now. More specifically, I'm in alignment more than I used to be, but not as much as I will be if I continue to learn myself and update my software (core aspirations, core values, and core beliefs). I'm way more aligned than I was back in college, but not as in alignment as I'll be in ten years. Why? Because I'll be wiser in ten years than I am now. I'll have a higher awareness and a deeper understanding of myself, others, and how the world works.

So, every now and then, I recommend you check back in with this framework. Come back to these principles and questions again and again. Check back in annually or quarterly, and you'll likely find more and more clarity each time. I believe life is a constant pursuit of doing all we can with all we have. I believe life is about aiming at the highest possible good we can conceive of and believe in. Ironically, the more we grow, the larger that vision gets. The larger that vision gets, the more we grow.

At the end of the day, that's what alignment is. It's the soul's recognition of alignment with its greatest potential and greatest level of contribution, and more and more fulfillment awaits each of us willing to do this work. Good luck, and if you ever need help getting back into alignment, please reach out!

Dear Reader,

I want to thank you for taking the time to read this. If you've gotten value or have any questions, please email me at [email protected] or visit our website,?nextleveluniverse.com. If you enjoyed this, I also recommend you check out our podcast, Next Level University, for a daily dose of holistic self-improvement. You can find it on any podcast platform, including YouTube, Apple Podcasts, and Spotify.

Thanks again, and I hope to hear from you soon!