The 11th Commandment

Disclaimer: The content of this article may be considered irreverent in some circles. As a Presbyterian, I am confident that this was preordained and that the Good Lord has a sense of humor and is forgiveness and grace personified.

As I grow older, I find myself striving to find truth and wisdom from history. When I came across a VHS tape recently of the movie "History of the World, Part 1," I was intrigued at learning more about the origins of Mosaic Law from the 1980s Sage and post-modern Prophet, Melvin Kaminsky. The fact that he was able to uncover video evidence of Moses' descent from Mount Sinai is truly remarkable. The purported existence of a third tablet of commandments as provided to Moses on Mount Sinai is astonishing.

Using a tool of the 20th Century (a VCR), long abandoned by modern-day content streamers, I was able to play, rewind, and pause the heavily pixelated video in an attempt to decipher the true essence of the 5 lost commandments. In a series of weekly articles over the next 5 weeks, I will share my findings in hopes of enlightening mankind forevermore, starting today with the 11th Commandment...... "Thou Shalt Not Take Ownership of Property without a Phase I ESA!!!"

Though not as profound as "Thou Shalt Not Kill" or "Thou Shalt Not Steal," the 11th Commandment is violated daily in all walks of life by all sorts of entities, whether they be corporations, trusts, churches, cities, counties, LLCs, or (yes, most unfortunately) individuals. Like coveting thy neighbor's wife, the 11th Commandment is easily dismissed as "no harm, no foul," or "nobody will know," or even worse, "there are no big consequences." Unfortunately, there are consequences, huge consequences!!!

First, there's liability. I've bought plenty of used cars in my lifetime, and I have never bought one without, at least, a CARFAX. Similar to a CARFAX (but written into the federal Superfund law as a step towards liability protection as a "bona fide prospective purchaser"), a Phase I ESA gives you some context as to whether you are buying a lemon, a money pit, or not.

Secondly, "donated" land, whether it be to your church, your city, or your organization should not always considered an asset. I find it strangely peculiar that when cities "accept" donated land or, particularly, buildings, the roof starts to leak before the ink dries on the county land rolls. Is that building, full of mold, water, and soggy sheetrock now considered an asset?

Finally, (and maybe this will hit home to the cities, counties, and non-profits that plan to hang their hat on just "getting an EPA Brownfield Cleanup Grant" to take care of any environmental problems that may arise), the EPA will NOT give the city/county/parish/non-profit a Brownfield Cleanup Grant if you did not conduct a Phase I ESA before taking ownership!! (see footnote below).

So, you now have the 11th Commandment, fully documented on VHS and Youtube; and you now have my full interpretation of the ancient, pixelated text. It's tragic that this revelation has taken so long to emerge and that the sequence of events that led to this moment could have been avoided. If only, Moses had not dropped the third tablet....; if only, Super Glue was available "in the beginning...;" if only, History of the World Part 1 had been a mega-hit, full of superheroes and easter eggs...; if only....

I hope that over the course of the next 5 weeks, I can help you understand the true meaningfulness of the remaining re-discovered third tablet commandments. Until then, be vigilant.... and remind your city attorney that the due diligence period should include more than just a title search.... Ahem.

Footnote: Yes (fellow BrownSfield experts), there are a couple of exceptions to the EPA Cleanup Grant requirement for conducting a Phase I ESA before taking ownership, but I'm trying to make a point here, so just roll with me here, please.