[11] Perfectionism, Where to draw the line?

One Line Summary: How to find a balance between high-achieving & self-accepting, and avoid self-abusing behaviors.

One Paragraph Summary:

Perfectionism is a double-edged sword. On one side, it can motivate you to perform at a high level and deliver top-quality work. On the other, it can cause you unnecessary anxiety and sometimes annoy your environment. How to harness the positives of our perfectionism while mitigating the negatives? It’s all about finding balance and making compromises. Ask yourself is this the most productive use of my time? Will it make a material difference to my boss or client? Focus on maximizing the impact of your effort so you can concentrate on what’s important. And learn to calibrate your standards (Knight, 2019).

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“A lot of perfectionistic tendencies are rooted in FEAR and INSECURITY” -

Matt Plummer (Knight, 2019)

Matt Plummer (Knight, 2019) states, “Many perfectionists worry that if they let go of their meticulousness and conscientiousness, it will hurt their performance and standing.”

Other factors that contribute to perfectionism could include (GoodTherapy, 2019): Mental health issues like anxiety or obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD); having a parent who exhibits perfectionistic behavior or expresses disapproval; an insecure early attachment; etc.

I have suffered a lot from perfectionism and still struggle sometimes. Listening to the Tim Ferris podcast with Brené Brown (Ferriss, 2020), best known for her TED Talk The power of vulnerability (Brown, 2010), I like the question:

“How can I make room for both

striving and self-acceptance?”

– Tim Ferris

Instead of asking “How can you be self-accepting without becoming complacent?” or "How can you be high-achieving without being self-abusing?", as these two do not mesh (Ferriss, 2020).

When working as a consultant engineer every design decision was a compromise between Cost, Quality, and Time (see below Quality Triangle (Schenkelberg, 2017)). Sure, we can design things that won’t fail most of the time (e.g. 99.99%), but does it worth the effort? (Time and cost).

The following graph (Black, 2009) represents that the effort required between “good or excellent” and “Perfect” is infinity! We can end up expending endless time and resources for low-impact gains.

Next time, let’s remember this curve and ask ourselves:

“Is it worth it?” “Is this the most productive use of my time and resources?”

“And if not, What would it be?”

Other drawbacks of perfectionism can be (GoodTherapy, 2019):

• Not able to perform a task unless knowing we can do it perfectly.
• Focusing on the end product rather than the process of learning.
• Not see a task as finished until the result is perfect “according to their standards”.
• Procrastinate. People with perfectionism may not want to begin a task until they know they can do it perfectly.
• Take an excessive amount of time to complete a task that does not typically take others long to complete. (e.g. Spending 30 minutes writing and rewriting a two-sentence email.)

So what to do?

Rebecca (Knight, 2019) shares the following principles:

Do:

• Learn to recognize the point of diminishing returns when you’re aiming to complete a task perfectly. Sometimes just getting it done is a worthy goal.
• Reflect on your progress. Identify examples of when you successfully moderated your perfectionist tendencies.
• Calibrate your standards. Oftentimes what you’re writing or saying doesn’t have to be the final word, it just has to contribute something useful.

And I would add:

• Accept yourself. We have difficulty accepting ourselves (“I am not good enough”) and sometimes we feel we need to work so hard to feel self-realized.
• Be mindful of your inner talk and quality control it (Ana Lucia Kazan; Andrew Bryant, 2012). Say confident, encouraging words to yourself (“Positive self-parenting”). ?Self-parenting is that inner talk we all carry on continuously (e.g. You HAVE to work harder!), that we received from our parents.
• Celebrate more! ?? Recognize and celebrate more the great work we do. I use journaling, the RAIN method (Recognized, Acknowledge, Investigate and Nurture) and build up my “mental bank account” with “E.S.P. deposits” by celebrating Effort, Success and Progress (Zinsser, 2022).

Don’t:

• Mistake ruminating for problem-solving. When your mind is twisting and turning, seek out distractions to break the cycle.
• Toil in pursuit of an amorphous goal of perfection. Create a checklist that ensures you follow a process with measurable targets.

“What are the absolute required tasks to do a good (or great) job (not perfect)?”

• Go it alone. Instead, ask others — a trusted colleague, friend, or mentor — for perspective and support.

Final reflection question:

What else could you do to find a balance between high-achieving and self-accepting?

References and/or Recommended Resources:

• Ana Lucia Kazan; Andrew Bryant. (2012). Self-Leadership: How to Become a More Successful, Efficient, and Effective Leader from the Inside Out.
• Black, D. (2009). Partnerships and Perfectionism | The Elements Unearthed. https://elementsunearthed.com/2009/11/06/partnerships_and_perfectionism/
• Brown, B. (2010). Brené Brown: The power of vulnerability | TED Talk. https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_the_power_of_vulnerability
• Ferriss, T. (2020, March 14). Brené Brown—Striving versus Self-Acceptance, Saving Marriages, and More (#409). The Blog of Author Tim Ferriss. https://tim.blog/2020/03/13/brene-brown-transcript-409/
• GoodTherapy. (2019). Perfectionism. https://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/issues/perfectionism
• Knight, R. (2019, April 29). How to Manage Your Perfectionism. Harvard Business Review. https://hbr.org/2019/04/how-to-manage-your-perfectionism
• Schenkelberg, F. (2017, April 10). Introduction to the Quality Triangle. Accendo Reliability. https://accendoreliability.com/introduction-quality-triangle/
• Zinsser, Dr. N. (2022). The Confident Mind: A Battle-Tested Guide to Unshakable Performance. Custom House.

Credit to: Dorothée Oung for peer review.