The 10 Most Common Communication Mistakes that You are Probably Making

Communication.

Surely one of the most important of human skills.

One we spend surprisingly little time deliberately cultivating.

In reflecting on the conversations and relationships I see around me -? in clients, in friends, and most definitely in myself - there are certain patterns that seem to be both extremely common and extremely unproductive.

Here are ten that take the cake:

Mistake #1: Assume the person you are having the challenge with is incapable of change.

It is rare that any of us think this thought literally to ourselves, but it shows up frequently as an underlying tone of disbelief that the other person can get to where you really want them to get.

“They’re just greedy.” Or “It is too threatening to their identity to hear what I am saying.” Are more realistic versions of how a belief like this would show up in your mind.

Do you see how an opinion like this lays an unconstructive foundation for dialogue? How it allows you to hide from sharing what is challenging or avoid the work of supporting the other person to hear you?

There have been many moments in the past where I have seen this at play within myself. All too often, i used this type of blame as an internal cop out to avoid doing the - uncomfortable - work required for productive conversation.

What if you were to suspend this assumption for a moment and instead assume the opposite? That all humans actually find it more satisfying to come to solutions where they learn, grow and make the people around them happy? Try this out and see how it shifts the tone of the conversation.

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Mistake #2: Forget that a win-win is ALWAYS possible.

The challenge here is that for the above to be possible, each party engaged in the dialogue must be connected to what ‘win’ means? for them. If one or both parties are instead fixated on protecting themselves from a negative outcome, the whole dynamic becomes flawed.

If you are stuck in a frustrating cycle of compromise or half truths, oftentimes, the most constructive use of your energy is getting yourself and those you are engaged with clear on what ‘win’ is for you/them. Only, then can you have negotiations that leave all parties feeling satisfied.

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Mistake #3: Forget that ALL dynamics are co-created / blame the entirety of the dynamic on the other person.

You are always a part of the difficulty. Shift the energy you are holding within you and the energy of the dialogue will change.

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Mistake #4: Avoid articulating difficult feelings, thoughts and opinions you hold. Play nice, avoid conflict. Shrug it off.

This is the direct route to distant, untrusting and dysfunctional relationships. I know too many unhappily married couples currently stuck here. I’m sure you do too?

Too often, out of a desire to avoid ‘hurting someone’s feelings’ we convince ourselves that sharing the ‘ugly’ or ‘difficult’ parts of our inner dialogue would be damaging.

Often, however, if we look more closely, what we are really afraid of are the unpleasant feelings that arise in us, as we cause that discomfort in another person. As tribal animals, belonging is foundational to our sense of well-being, very often fear arises when we risk upsetting other members of the tribe.?

Articulating these difficult things out loud serves a dual benefit, however.

Firstly, when we express the darker thoughts and feelings out loud we diminish their power. To smooth this process, we can preface our sharing of them with something like "I have this unhelpful thought circling in my mind that I just want to name…"

Secondly, in practicing the expression of thoughts and opinions that may be difficult for the person to hear, we allow a more complete picture of what is occurring to be shared by all parties. This is literally giving everyone involved in the conversation more - and more accurate - data points about the current situation, supporting you to move constructively, together, to the solution you are seeking.

It is often said that what separates those who are more successful from those who are less so, is the number of difficult conversations they are willing to have. This has been true in my experience as well. What about yours?

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Mistake #5: Treat your hurt feelings, frustrations or disappointments as the truth. Communicate them without awareness of your responsibility for your own heart/emotional state.

You must be the greatest champion of your own heart.

This doesn’t mean coddling hurt feelings, or acting out like a toddler when someone says something you don’t like. It does mean understanding that the tender nature of the human heart is such that it needs to feel loved to heal/transform and leverage past hurts constructively. You are completely responsible for growing that feeling of love within you because you are the only one who can actually do it.

Bring your concerns and challenges to the table completely and honestly.? However, do so simultaneously acknowledging that you are the one responsible for getting yourself to a beautiful internal feeling.

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Mistake #6: Wait to communicate. Assume that time will correct the challenge and don’t say anything in the moment you sense it.

A communication superpower is the capacity to articulate a sensed difficulty out loud, in the context in which you sense it, without negative emotional charge. To develop this skill we need to practice doing this, knowing we will get it wrong a lot along the way.

If you are continually delaying communication when something feels off, you are numbing your intuition and costing ourselves time. You also then become a part of any worsening or further unwanted outcomes that occur as a result of your not speaking up.? You are also robbing yourself of the opportunity to develop the skill of speaking up tactfully in the moment.

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Mistake #7: Assume that those you are communicating with cannot handle your full truth and more difficult sharing.?

If you bring up difficult truths, you will upset people and be the catalyst for feelings of hurt. Know that this is unavoidable. Instead of spending your energy avoiding this, study how you can support the upset person to constructively leverage their upset; this is always possible.

Mistake #8: Spend your energy looking for ways to affirm and defend the opinions you already hold.?

If something isn’t working, then the strategies you have used so far have not actually been sufficient. Notice when your mind wants to go to reinforcing or defending the strategies you have already employed rather than exploring what would work better.

For the rest of today, I invite you to notice whenever your thinking ventures into defending or affirming the opinions you already hold.

As a formidable mentor of mine, Margie Gillis, says “you know what you know, what don’t you know?” Practice shifting your attention into curiosity about whatever you are mulling over instead. It is a much better use of your energy.?

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Mistake #9: Don’t ask directly for what you want.?

Too many of us have been conditioned away from trusting that when we express our desires, they are met. Instead we feel that honestly expressing our desires is the sure path to have them rejected and our spirits dashed.

We have also not been taught how to ask for things in a way that naturally allows people to fulfill our requests (drop me a message or comment if you want to know more about this). We most certainly will not learn this if we are not practicing.

I invite you to notice the things present in your reality currently that you are not asking for. Is this out of fear of those requests being rejected?? Or because you are minimizing your own wants and needs? Take a risk. Choose a few of your current desires that you have yet to share. Say them out loud.

Mistake #10: Forget that moments of hurt, vulnerability or challenge you encounter - though unpleasant as hell sometimes - are the exact soil of your greatest learning.

Again, all too often, I find myself or the clients and teams I am working with, are wishing the challenge I/they are facing were done with already…

What if instead you remembered that challenge was actually the exact soil for learning and growth? Your exact path into a more loving and refined version of who you are? What if you welcomed and celebrated the difficulty as an opportunity to learn and grow stronger instead of squirming in the discomfort it presented?

Paradoxically, this simple remembrance, in the midst of feelings of pressure, fear or frustration accelerates the process of learning. It also makes it a lot more fun.