1095 Days of Unemployment

On the 31st October 2018, I was retrenched from my position, with very little pensions, no savings and a lot of debts. I didn't have a contingency plan prior to the retrenchment, even though there had been signs. I'd been there before, yet I failed to realize that the first time it happened, I had no responsibilities, I was all by myself, with no wife and kids. This time around, I had a family, a wife and 3 kids. I couldn't just up and leave to go back and stay with my mom in Ngcobo whilst trying to figure out my next step. Couldn't just uproot the kids from school, and couldn't uproot my wife from her work.

We had downgraded prior to the retrenchment as we wanted to sort out our finances, so that we could buy our own house rather than rent. In hindsight, the downgrade was mild, if there is anything like that, it wasn't a drastic downgrade. We moved from Pretoria East to Olievenhoutbosch, from an apartment building to a complex in a better off part of the location. Our child still went to a former model C school. In essence, we just "downgraded" the area not our lifestyle. From the suburbs to the location. We didn't downgrade our car either. We cut down on a few things like movies and eating out, not out of choice but out of necessity. We wanted the relative comfort that we were used to, yet we knew we had to make changes. Finances (lack of) forced us to make other drastic changes in our lives as time went buy. We relooked the whole "going home to the EC" for the December holidays. We had a relook at family vacations especially in December. Groceries became basic, and we started checking which store had what cheaper. We suddenly knew which shop had real specials and which ones had those "specials" that aren't really.

One major mistake that I committed prior to the retrenchment was not to develop myself academically. I still possess Standard 10 as my highest qualification, more than 20 years after I started working. So, here I was, with more than 20 years work experience and no post Matric Qualification. I was unemployable, especially in our country where the focus and obsession is mostly on one having a degree or diploma more than on the job experience. That mistake cost me a lot, so much so that I made a decision to obtain the piece of paper called Degree or Diploma as soon as I got employed again, not for anything else but employability. I was tired of missing out on positions because I didn't have a degree or diploma, yet I met and exceeded all other requirements. Another mistake, I'm told, was being vocal about socio-economic and socio-political issues especially on Social Media. Also, I didn't shy away from publicly criticizing, where warranted, those in power, and I would even tag them or go as far as calling them to account. In addition to that, I didn't succumb to the silencing that others allow, where certain words in our indigenous languages are deemed inappropriate yet there are no replacements for the same words in English, they are used as they are. I challenged religion amd labeled it a tool that was used to enable the oppression of blacks by whites. I was vocal about my Black Consciousness and how I was unapologetic about supporting and trusting black people over white people. I was deemed a reputational risk by many, a loose Canon whose voice was too loud and not throttled.

So, I had to cope. In a society where being a "house husband" is labeled as being lazy and sponging off one's wife. In a society where one's manhood is measured by his possessions and what he brings home at the end of the day. Where a man's value is attached to whether he is working or not, and what sort of work he does. In a society where you are most likely to lose respect because you are unemployed and you don't have any source of income. I survived. It took a very supportive wife for me to stand on my own despite the pressure that was weighing me down. For more than 3 years, that woman was the breadwinner and our only source of income in the household. She paid for everything. From our rental to our toiletries, all came out of her pocket, every single month. We struggled to make ends meet most times, and that put more pressure on me. I couldn't take seeing her frustrated over where we would get money to pay rent that month, or how we'd make it through the month with the limited groceries we had. The pressure saw me begging friends and acquaintances for jobs, or anything that would change things at home. At some stage, I had the thoughts of just leaving, to go and stay in the streets, so that my wife would have one less mouth to worry about. There were days where I felt Suicidal, and I'd share this with her. She would selflessly be there for me. I only realized later how drained she was, and that put a lot of strain in our marriage, and on me. To this day, I don't know why or how I didn't have a relapse or how I controlled the depression I was diagnosed with, without being on treatment.

I had gigs now and then, but the money wasn't enough. It would bring temporary relief for a few days and we would be back to square one. On the other hand, my books were not selling, and I lost interest in promoting them or writing other books. I became despondent. I lost hope. I lost my sense of self-worth. I lost my confidence. I saw myself as being valueless. I gave so much of myself in order to fill the void that was internal, that of adding value to the lives of others. I did this in order for me to get fulfillment. I did all the things I hoped would be done for me. I kept on being the source of light for others, yet my own batteries had long stopped providing me with power. I realized again that I was drawing strength and light from my wife, draining her in the process, so that I could be a source of light and warmth to others. I gave peace and comfort to others, yet I lacked these in me. I took from an empty vessel, to give to others that which I didn't have. I felt validated, at least I had a sense of purpose, and that kept me going. I was floating just above that dark hole of depression. I fought negative thoughts daily. Then to top it all, there was the uncertainty and fear that Covid 19 brought with it, where there were uncertainties about one's continued survival. The death toll kept on rising, and we asked ourselves if we'd still be alive the next year, next month or even the next day. We were in a constant state of anxiety.

As I start a new chapter as an employee, l take with me all the lessons learnt in the past, but mostly, I take with me all the experiences I got during the time of my employment wilderness. Yes, I will have to start from scratch and rebuild, but I now know better. I've also learnt that I cannot give that which I don't have, and I can't pour out from an empty jar. I first have to possess all the things I want to give to others. I've learnt the power of positivity.