100 Days Curiouser

It has been 14 weeks and 2 days since I posted my last article just before Easter. But who’s counting? No one has asked me where I went or why I stopped writing new content.

My approach had been adding to the noise, shouting advice that no one was asking for. I could only see this when I stepped back and spent more time listening to understand rather than listening to respond. To be curious about the values driving the emotions, and calmly respond with curiosity and interest rather than heated passion.

A lot has happened in the world in the last 100 days, not to mention my personal journey with my family that led to marriage counseling and uncovering some blind spots we are still digging into and exploring further. I could easily diagnose all the problems and prescribe solutions in a vacuum without ever understanding others’ different perspectives. But I have learned that approach isn’t really helpful for anyone.

I won’t bore you with all the details of my personal journey, but I do want to share enough to draw some parallels to the bigger challenges our country and the world are grappling with now. There are no easy answers to social injustice, the global health crisis, or the looming economic crisis, but what I have learned in my personal journey gives me some tools that help me engage toward contributing to solutions, not just adding noise to the public debate.

The lockdown exposed some things in me that I am not proud of. My teachers used to say that I didn’t work well in groups, because I would be right but fail to cooperate with the group when I was sure they were wrong. Many of my challenges in business and relationships still come from that same place: For me to have worth I must be right, and if you think I am wrong I must defend that like I am fighting for the very value of my existence.

In “Know What You’re For” Jeff Henderson talks about clearly knowing what you want to be known for, but also honestly evaluating what you are known for, and working to close that gap. In “Speed of Trust” Stephen M. R. Covey talk about how a credibility gap between what you say and do erodes trust and puts a tax on everything you produce.

It was Regi Campbell that I first heard say “You can’t talk your way out of what you behaved your way into.” This is actually a Stephen R. Covey quote, but it’s a timeless principle. Regi applied it in his marriage, one that he almost lost and learned to fight for by behaving a way he didn’t feel like acting to avoid ending up with a bad result he didn’t want. 

Andy Stanley describes this tension of reacting naturally to how we feel keeping us from the outcome we really want ultimately. “Our focus is usually on what’s right in front of us. We want what we want. And we want it now.” His admonition is to not just react but to “Prioritize what you ultimately want over what you want now.” 

In “Relationomics” Randy Ross calls asking what it’s like to be on the other side of me the poor man’s 360. I first heard this idea from Jeff Henderson in 2012, but Randy Ross took it a step further to describe how our reaction to how others answer that question starts a pattern that either spirals up or down. 

That is a whole string of principles that have been at play in my own life, beginning with not wanting to own the gap between what I want to be known for and what I am known for by those closest to me. Defending that gap does not help close the gap, it only alienates those who see and experience it the most.

So I have spent 100 days listening to understand. As luck (or more accurately divine providence) would have it, this was also the prescription to white guys like me everywhere, to listen and be curious about how others experience the world differently rather than defending our point of view. We are also seeing this play out in a battle over schools, churches, and businesses opening during a pandemic. Not to mention candidates and policies as we approach an election in November.

It is hard for me to listen without immediately judging and responding. But after a lifetime of having a quick response to everything, it is almost harder to begin communicating again from a place of humility. Admitting that I don’t have all the answers, but recognizing that a leader can’t just sit quietly until they feel confident they are right. 

I have more content that I journaled during my season of listening and reflecting that I hoped would be irrelevant by now, but sadly we remain so polarized on so many fronts that I will be sharing the applications I discovered for humble leadership in the pandemic, systematic racism, economic inequality, and engaging with people who are confident I am wrong seeking to understand rather than defend in the coming weeks.

The one thing I am confident of is that the world would be in big trouble if everyone agreed with me all of the time. There is tremendous value in diversity of perspective and thinking, and we need to fight FOR that rather than against it. Taking that one step further, I want and need people around me who think I am wrong, and need to elevate those voices rather than silence them.

Many leaders are having to make unpopular decisions right now that vocal critics are loudly condemning, sometimes making valid points. The challenge is to understand when your critics are pointing out a credibility gap that you can’t see, but have an opportunity to learn about if you choose to respond with curiosity rather than defensiveness.

We all have a gap between what we want to be known for and what we are known for. I know from personal experience it’s unpleasant and uncomfortable to face what’s in that gap, but everyone else probably already knows it’s there. The challenge is to sift the criticism to find the nuggets of truth without letting the noise overwhelm us. 

Who do you need to listen to and be curious about their criticism in this season?