10 Ways You Can Support An Anxious Partner

What are some effective ways to help your anxious partner??

As the partner of an anxious person, it's ultimately not your responsibility to manage their anxiety. It's their responsibility to understand themselves, and to learn what makes a difference in regulating their feelings. That said, if you come along for their anxious ride, so to speak, and you support them with love and understanding, it can make for some wonderful outcomes.?

Here are ten tips to ponder.?

1. Know that saying ‘calm down’ won’t help

If your partner is anxious, please don't say things like, ‘Calm down,’ ‘Snap out of it,’ or ‘Don’t worry.’??

It might sound counterintuitive, but if you tell your anxious partner not to be anxious, that will probably make them feel more anxious. People with anxiety want to be understood, not told that they shouldn’t worry.?

2. Learn about anxiety

Remember, all behaviour is a message.

If your partner’s feeling anxious, their behaviour will probably change. They might recoil. They might be teary. They might be irritable.?

Learn your partner’s signs. If they’re excessively exercising, is it because of anxiety? If they’re frantically cleaning, is it because of anxiety??

3. Empathise and validate when anxiety is high

Once you can recognise that it’s anxiety you’re observing in your partner, then it’s time to empathise and validate their experience.??

When you notice that your partner is anxious, consider saying something like, ‘I can see that this is hard for you. I understand that. I see that you’re struggling. How can I help?’

4. Remind your partner what helps in the moment

What does your anxious partner need to help settle their anxiety?

One powerful technique for settling anxiety in the moment is breath work.?

In a non-anxious moment, consider practicing the kind of breath work that you two can do later, when your partner’s actually feeling anxious.?

That might involve your partner sitting or lying down. It might involve them taking deep belly breaths, using their nose to inhale, using their nose to exhale, and really lengthening that exhale.?

Perhaps you could count with them, ‘In, two three four. Out, two, three, four, five.’?

If your partner dislikes breath work, how else can you bring their mind into the present? Consider saying to them something like, ‘Tell me all of the things that you see around you.’

5. Problem-solving comes later

Trying to rationalise or problem-solve with an anxious partner probably won’t help them.?

Even if you’re frustrated with their anxiety, and even if you can see a clear path forward for them out of their gloom, try not to offer suggestions right then and there. Problem-solving is crucial. Yet time for those kinds of insights will come later.?

6. Recognise when your partner is highly anxious

Anxiety doesn’t express itself in the same singular way every time. However, over time, you might be able to recognise when your partner’s anxiety is building.??

If you sense that something might be bubbling up for your partner, do a check-in. Say something kind, such as, ‘I noticed that you were maybe a bit short with the kids. I’m curious, are you ok at the moment?’

Remember, in the moment, your anxious partner might be oblivious to their own anxiety. If you can compassionately bring attention to it, you might prevent their volcano from erupting, so to speak.??

7. Identify your partner’s triggers

What amps up your partner’s anxiety? Is it when they talk with a specific member of your family? Is it when noises and activity happening around them get too overwhelming??

If from your perspective there’s a predictable set of circumstances that provoke your partner’s anxiety, what can you do in the moment to minimize them??

If your partner often gets triggered talking with Uncle Fred, after your partner puts down the phone, what can you do to help??

If your partner is cooking a meal, and gets triggered by music blaring and people asking them questions, what can you do to help??

8. Don’t let anxiety push either of you around

If your anxious partner gives in to their anxiety, then they’ll probably live what I call a small life. They’ll withdraw. They’ll avoid. They’ll make plans with friends then cancel them.?

As you learn more about your partner’s anxiety, you’ll notice times when they don’t let anxiety win. In those moments, they’ll feel anxious, but they’ll still act. It’s those moments that I refer to as ‘bringing your anxiety with you.’?

Help your partner move forward with their anxiety..?

9. Take good care of yourself

Living with someone who has anxiety can take a toll on you. To look after yourself, recognise your own needs, eat healthy, get a lot of sleep, and exercise.??

10. Seek help

Even if you don’t identify as somebody who struggles with anxiety, if you live with someone who does, it can be contagious.

So, if necessary, seek some help for yourself. That way you’ll feel more empowered, and you'll be in a better position to support the person with anxiety who you love.?

Thanks for reading?

I wrote this article based on episode 23 of my podcast, “Well, hello anxiety with Dr Jodi Richardson.”?

Have you listened to my podcast??

If you learned a technique or two about helping an anxious partner by reading this, please check out my podcast on Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts, or Spotify.?

Share?

Here’s a fun graphic about this article, and my corresponding podcast episode, for you to share.?

Free mini course?

Would you like a copy of my email course, ‘Calm Your Anxious Brain’? If so, head over to DrJodiRichardson.com.?

Books for parents and kids?

Get my second book, Anxious Mums: How mums can turn their anxiety into strength, from my website or Amazon.??

Get my first book, Anxious Kids: How children can turn their anxiety into resilience, co-authored with Michael Grose, from my website or Amazon.?

Thanks!?

— Jodi?

P.S. Let’s keep the conversation going—join me over on Instagram.

P.P.S. Photo credit for the banner photo: Leah Kelley.