10 Ways To Unshackle Your Courage

These words stopped me in my (scrolling) tracks yesterday…

‘Every time you avoid discomfort, you’re reinforcing the belief that you can’t handle it… The more we avoid discomfort, the less capable we feel.’ – Charlotte Grimmel, The Mind Friend

These words hit hard because two coaching calls I had with clients over the past week touched on exactly this point — the more familiar we become with navigating discomfort by challenging our automatic responses, the greater our capacity to be brave with our lives.

Like any habit, its consequences accumulate over time. By trying to protect ourselves through avoidance, we can increase and extend our suffering.

Our only way through this is to expand our capacity to handle discomfort. The good news is that it’s a learnable skill.

Ten Tiny Experiments

“The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.” - Joseph Campbell

1. Who do I want to be??When you’re avoiding something that needs to be faced, think about how facing it will help you to be the person you aspire to be. As James Clear, best-selling author of Atomic Habits?writes :

“Every action you take is a vote for the type of person you wish to become. No single instance will transform your beliefs, but as the votes build up, so does the evidence of your new identity. This is one reason why meaningful change does not require radical change. Small habits can make a meaningful difference by providing evidence of a new identity. And if a change is meaningful, it is actually big. That’s the paradox of making small improvements.”

This might sound like:

• ‘I’m a person with self-respect, and this is a moment to demonstrate that by setting this boundary.’
• ‘I’m a person who shows up to work on my relationships, even when it’s hard.’
• ‘I’m a person who follows through on my commitments, so I will get this done now.’?(Adapted from?NewHappyCo. )

2. Permission:?Give yourself permission to run small experiments on trying new ways, new words and new beliefs.?‘I give myself permission to?try /ask for help/feel awkward/not know/seek clarity/get unstuck/be vulnerable/practice courage.’

3. Start small:?Stay with discomfort for one more breath, ten more seconds, and one more question. Don’t open social media, don’t switch tabs, don’t shut down, don’t tap out. Give yourself space to choose a response rather than react. Discomfort isn’t the enemy. It’s the pathway to growing courage muscles.

4. Flip ‘What if?‘: Our brain can reel off a laundry list of negative answers to ‘What if?‘. Consciously flip it and look for the positives – ‘What if it goes better than expected?’ ‘What if I get greater clarity?’ ‘What if I feel lighter?’ ‘What if I learn something new?’ ‘What if it opens new possibilities?’

5. Prune early. Prune often:?I picked this up from a participant in the?Dare to Lead? program? who learned it from her garden-loving CEO. Prune early to avoid spreading what you don’t want. Don’t want to sit in rumination? Don’t want to increase anxiety? Don’t want the issue to blow up? Act early. (Also, it’s never too late to act.)

6. Lead with curiosity:?In the words of TV’s favourite soccer coach, Ted Lasso:?‘Be curious, not judgemental’ . ?Use language that opens a conversation of discovery (even for conversations with yourself!).?Examples here .

7. What Would xxx Do?:?Who is your courage role model? Maybe it’s Oprah? Your favourite teacher, mentor, fictional character or historical figure? Maybe it’s an older, wiser, more compassionate version of you? What would they do in this uncomfortable situation?

8. Practice:?Saying brave things for the first time can feel awkward and ‘unnatural’ – just like learning a new language. The more we practice speaking courageously aloud – even to ourselves – the more tolerance we have for the discomfort of new approaches. And the more calmly we can say them.?‘I have a different point of view’. ‘I would like more background on how we got to this decision’. ‘I made a mistake.’ ‘I don’t know.’ ‘I am deeply concerned about what I witnessed.’ ‘I’m upset and need to let you know how I feel.’ ‘I want to apologise for what I did yesterday.’

9. Lean into values:?Our values guide us in the dark. Use your values as a filter to make hard decisions and remind yourself of who you are when you’re at your best. For my values of courage and grace I often ask myself ‘What does courage look like in this situation?‘ and ‘What would a conversation with grace sound like?‘ (Need help defining your values??Click here. )

10. What’s more important than being liked?:?I get it. We all want to be liked. But don’t prioritise likeability over integrity, authenticity, self-respect or boundaries. Don’t betray yourself.?Our biggest form of regret, is regret of inaction ?– of not being bolder and?living a life true to ourselves . If you unhooked from the need to be liked, what discomfort would you address?

Essayist Ana?s Nin wrote: ‘Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage.’?Run one of these tiny experiments in the next seven days to expand your capacity for courage.