10 Tips for a Happy Marriage (from Someone Who is Still Learning)

“Your wife or husband should be your first mastermind ally.” — Napoleon Hill

Financial issues and communication breakdown are the two biggest factors in divorce. And if you’ve been through a divorce personally, or had floor seats to the divorce of someone close to you, you’ll know that it’s one of the most soul-crushing experiences one can ever go through – with flow on effects that can last for generations.

Many of the clients I’ve worked with perform very well professionally, but that focus on business success has contributed to challenges in the home, which stem from pressure in the marriage. It’s why holistic success always needs to be a focus.

Today, I wanted to share with you some of the things I do – and what I’ve learned – about a happy and healthy relationship from a 10-year journey with my wife Jenn (with many mistakes made along the way, just to be clear!) and the insights I’ve learned from others.

I know that’s not a long time – and I’ve certainly never professed to being a marriage counselor or anything of the sort, but I have always been fascinated by relationships. That’s why, in all of the interviews I do, so many of the questions revolve around happiness in the home, happiness as a family, and relationship enhancements more broadly.

Positive relationships are also the greatest amplifier you can have. And, since marriage is the greatest external investment you’ll ever make, it’s exceptionally important to nurture that relationship as well as you possibly can.?

I also recently sat down with Dr John Gray , the world’s leading relationship expert (and author of the Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus series that have sold 50M+ copies), for the Win the Day podcast, and what he shared has led to the two final items on this list.

Enjoy…

1. Be with someone who gives you energy.

When I interviewed skateboarder turned business mogul Rob Dyrdek , he shared something fascinating about his weekly calendar. “I only schedule things that give me energy, rather than taking it away,” he mentioned.

It was a major mic drop moment.

I thought about the things I had in my calendar that week – meetings, appointments, etc. – and more than half were things that I classified as potentially taking away my energy.

So how damaging would that be for your growth if you were married to someone who took your energy away on a daily basis?

I’ve written extensively about how your energy source is the most important asset you have – and you must protect it like your life depends on it (because it does). If someone has proven through their actions that they’re more interested in bringing you down rather than boosting you up, perhaps it’s time for a deeper conversation with them.

2. Take it as information, not an attack.?

Shout out to performance psychologist Dr Michael Gervais for writing one of the best mindset books I’ve ever read, Compete to Create , co-authored with Seattle Seahawks coach Pete Carroll.

In it, Dr Gervais mentions the importance of taking what your partner is saying as information, not an attack. In times of great stress, it’s easy to feel that the other person is questioning your judgment and lashing out at your character, rather than considering how much your own stress has clouded your ability to view the situation.

Our own baggage makes a massive difference.

So next time you feel your blood start to boil from something your partner has said, pause, breathe, and take it as information (rather than a personal attack) because the person almost certainly has your best interests at heart, might be communicating more concisely because of their own baggage, and the pressures you’re feeling are likely clouding your judgment.

3. Have time for yourself.

Having kids throws a huge spanner in how efficiently your household operates. Once you get to your second child, it’s easy to feel guilty about having time for yourself because of how much you overburden your partner who will be on double duty.

However, both you and your partner need that time individually to make sure you retain that sense of identity, find joy doing things without the chaos, and to have a mental reset from what you’ve been juggling.

Importantly, you need to come back with more energy so you can brighten the household. If you encourage your partner to have a solo day or to go away with friends for a night or two, you need to give them space and make sure you encourage their decision. If you make them feel guilty, it will create a wedge between the two of you that will grow very quickly.

A great way to do that is through the Perfect Day concept. Sit down with your partner, each grab a notepad, and write down:

• What your perfect solo day looks like;
• What you perfect partner day looks like; and
• What your perfect family day looks like.

Then have a fun conversation sharing what each of you have written down. You might be surprised with what comes up, but – now that you know what your partner’s perfect day looks like – you can take care of the logistics so they can make that day a reality for them.

Hopefully then they’ll be inspired to return the favor, and perhaps after it you can have your perfect family day.

4. Do goal-setting together at least once a year.?

Earlier, I mentioned the two biggest reasons for marriage breakdown (financial and communication). There’s one activity my wife and I do every year that alleviates both of those issues for us.

It’s to complete the Success Plan Template – available as a free download (no opt-in or anything) .xls file so it’s completely malleable. There’s detailed instructions on the second tab and it will change your life.?

Just make sure you complete your Success Plan individually, and then sit together to see what overlap you have, what hidden desires have been revealed, and what modifications need to be made so you’ve got a united front.

It doesn’t matter what goal-setting resource you use, just make sure it’s:

• Individual
• Comprehensive (i.e. includes a lot of categories), and
• Incremental (i.e. you can see how your goal manifests in both the short and long term).

5. Never argue on any empty stomach.

Our marriage is always at its lowest point before food and coffee! But once we take care of that, we’re back on track.

So stop trying to resolve disputes or antagonize the situation first thing in the morning or during household chaos. Wait until you’re both in a good headspace, and then – through a foundation of calm, kindness, and love – you can address what’s on your mind.

6. Recognize marriage is a 60/40 proposition in the other person’s favor.

If you’re busy blaming other people, you’ll never get far in life. Why? Because if you make it someone else’s fault, you can’t do anything about it.

One of my favorite quotes comes from Steve Maraboli:

“The victim mindset dilutes the human potential. By not accepting personal responsibility for our circumstances, we greatly reduce our power to change them.”?

How would your attitude change if you were responsible for at least 60% of everything that needed to be done in your relationship and household? Probably a lot.

So, before you blame, make sure you’ve done more than your fair share of the heavy lifting.

7. Set a calendar note to do an act of kindness.

People often laugh when I mention this one!

Every three weeks I have a recurring calendar invite that says “Do a random act of kindness for Jenn.” Yes, of course, I do acts of kindness outside of that, but in the stress of having two working parents – as well as two young kids – it never ceases to amaze me how quickly that calendar invite appears.

If your relationship is stuck in ‘business as usual’ mode, there’s a good chance the spark you once shared is starting to reduce a little. But if you’ve got a systemized process to do something extra-ordinary on a regular basis, you’re nurturing your relationship in a really positive way.

8. Final Thought Ritual.

Being from Australia, and having a wife from the United States, has meant a lot of time apart – it was often 3-4 months at a time before we were married.

Our careers also put us both on the road constantly throughout the year, and that can put a significant strain on the relationship:

• The person traveling is trying to focus on doing a good job, being present, and making the most of their trip. They’re also staying in unfamiliar hotels and finding it hard to eat healthy and get a workout in, which can make them feel sluggish.
• The person at home is on solo parent duty and doing their best to keep the household in order, often feeling a lot more stress in the process. Throw in a sick kid and all bets are off.

Plus, timezone changes and increased pressure on each of you can make it tougher to catch up for a Facetime or a chat.

Ever since Jenn and I started dating, we’ve done what I call the Final Thought Ritual, which is a recap of your day that you email to the other person. Simple.

It’s a conscious acknowledgement that you were their final thought before you went to bed and to keep them informed of the meaningful things that happened to you that day (we usually include some photos too).

BONUS two tips from Dr John Gray...

As mentioned earlier, I had the opportunity recently to spend a few days with Dr John Gray, the world’s leading relationship expert, and what he shared blew me away. If you want to check it out – and you should – click here .

9. Listen instead of trying to solve the problem.

The biggest thing I got from time with Dr Gray was that men instinctively want to solve problems. If you had asked me whether I was a good listener to my wife, I would have confidently said, “Of course!” Then I paid attention to how I was responding when Jenn would talk and I realized Dr Gray was 100% right – I couldn’t help myself from instinctively jumping in to try to solve whatever problem she was sharing.

When that happens, you send the message that you’re not really listening because you’re too busy thinking about the solution. And Dr Gray points out that usually your wife simply wants to share it with you so it can make her feel better, and she likely does not want you to solve the problem.

When you listen to your partner, and ask more questions – rather than butting in with solutions – we solve the bigger problems in our relationship, which is far more important.

This one tip has completely changed how I communicate.

10. Accept them as they are.

When you try and change everything about who a person is, you’re fighting an impossible battle – and driving yourself crazy in the process. Instead, appreciate and respect your partner for who they are and who they’re not.

It’s much more effective to focus on improving your communication skills and demonstrating how much you value your partner.

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If there’s something missing from this list that you’d like to mention, I’d love to hear it – leave a comment below. And if you found this useful, feel free to share it with your network.

Onward and upward always,

James Whittaker

#WinTheDay

PS — In case you missed it, 10 Lessons from 100 Podcast Episodes .